Confessions of a Dolphin Tale...

The Day had been rushed. Eating breakfast and packing a lunch? Check. Filling up with gas? Check. Church? Check. Volunteer work? Check. I was looking forward to a nice long drive down PCH from Dana Point when I came across a sign for Strands Beach. Strands Beach? I’d never heard of Strands Beach. What kind of name for a beach was that anyway? As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed the thousands of stairs going down the mountain that I would have to undertake to get to the beach. Still, something told me, “Go.” Okay, but not without my camera. If I was going to hike down a mile and half to come back up, I was going to get some good shots.

50 pictures of flowers later I finally made it to the beach, but even then I was busy. I instantly began looking for anything and everything I could snap. I walked about a half mile down the beach when all of a sudden I saw a group of people stopped just staring at the water. “What are they staring at?” I thought. “Surely the surfers can’t be that good looking. Solely out of curiosity I gave a quick glance. My jaw dropped. Before my eyes lay the most breathtaking and beautiful scene I had ever beheld. Sea gulls soared and sang overhead as the sun beams bursted brilliantly through the clouds. The waves and all their might crashed on the soft shore. But what caught my attention the most was what was in the waves. As if on cue, the moment I turned 2 or 3 dolphins leaped out of the waves. They were so close! They swam back and forth, jumping and twisting, and diving. I stood in awe for literally fifteen or so minutes. The only words I could stutter were “Thanks gorgeous” or “That’s so beautiful” over and over. It only occurred to me after I watched them swim away that I had a Canon Rebel with a 300 mm zoom lens around my neck. I’m still kicking myself for that one.

But then it occurred to me. God wanted to reveal Himself to me. He wanted to reveal His Glory, His beauty, His power, His Intelligence, His Creativity, and I was too busy to listen. It made me realize that I was too busy running around trying to fight my own battles, when all He really wanted was just for me to be still and let Him do his work. Let Him fight for me (Exodus 14:14) It seemed impossible, but if God could silence an entire army with 300 of Gideon’s men and pots, why couldn’t He help me? Heck, He’d already taken down one of my battles- stress- with simply a dolphin…

Confessions of a Beach Bum...

It amazes me that I have yet to really write a blog about my love of the ocean. I mean, seriously, It's at least my number two of favorite pastimes, how is it that it has not made it in? So, the other day I had some free time to spare. It happened to be on my twenty first birthday, which for some reason, birthdays always kind of seem to sadden me. It's not that I hate getting older, its just well, I don't really know what it is. Anyway I headed to the beach just to clear my head and think. Nothing does that better than the watching the waves roll in. I thought about everything that had happened in this past couple of weeks. I thought about how much I've changed since even last semester. And it was kind of exciting to see what God had been doing. And it was kind of funny to reminisce on the absolute chaos that I have called my life.

But then the time came, when I sort of wished nothing had changed. I wished I could go back to last semester. I looked at the struggles that have come about since this semester and I wished like anything they would all just disappear. But then it hit me. It's funny how when we think about our pasts we only remember the "good ol' days" It's easy to think the past was better than today. For some reason we seem to have selective memories. Because the fact is, last year I still had issues. Yes maybe the faces of some have changed, but they were still there. Last year I was sitting on the beach on my 20th birthday reminiscing about "the good ol' days."

You could make the case that its good to forget the bad. But there's also an extreme concern with this too. When we look at the past through rose-colored glasses we run the risk of being ungrateful for what we have right now. We short change the memories of how God has worked in our lives-often most obviously through our struggles.

As a seagull flew overhead I all of a sudden had the epiphany that God doesn't waste ANY of our experiences. Both the good and the bad benefit us. And it's kind of weird to think of, but this semester has honestly been the toughest semester of my life. Family stress, school stress, friend stress, future stress, finding a place to live and trying to feel settled stress, singleness stress. You name it, it's piled on. But yet at the same time, I have never more blatantly seen God work. It's odd amongst the struggles to think one day, maybe even next year, I will sitting on the beach on my birthday and think "Yeah, those were the good ol days." Not to say that life's going to get worse, but just to be able to see how it has shaped me into the person I am and how I can use those difficulties to help others. And that's what I need to start looking forward to. Enough reminiscing on a past that can't be changed. Yes, maybe those were the good times, but they aren't my life anymore. And if I spend my time in a constant state of memories and daydreams I'm going to miss the good things that are happening now. Because the fact is, I'm still living. I've not stopped. It's like on one my favorite singers Jon Foreman says, ""If we spend our time obsessing about the future or regretting the past, then we will never live. Tomorrow will always be tomorrow and yesterday cannot be changed."

Isaiah 43:18-19, "'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.'"

Confessions of a Sprained Ankle...

I know what most of you are already thinking by reading the title of this post. And yes, unfortunately, I have sprained my ankle yet again. My good one this time too. Which is pretty much the only thought running through my head right now. "NO NO NO, Not my good one!." In truth, over the past two weeks I have been rapidly learning what Paul meant when he said "I have learned the secret of being content" (Phil 4:12). This isn't a lesson that I'm necessariy enjoying though. I mean, I always imagined learning this lesson through some sort of joyful circumstance. Instead, it is kind of being forced upon me. I have to be content or I will not survive my day. That's all there is to it.

Why do I say this? Well, allow me to have a 5 second pity party and say life is kind of kicking my butt right now. But God is also constantly slapping me with how good He is to me. School is stressing me out big time, but I have to recognize that I'm fortunate enough to attend it. And I'm not going through it alone (Phil. 4:13). I have no working car, which has limited what I can do volunteer wise, but my car is in the shop being repaired for two weeks, not burnt down on the side of the freeway like the one I saw heading back to Long Beach. My left ankle (which is my good one) is now swelling, but at least I can walk on it. My dad's health worries me, but at least I still have him. I feel like I don't have time for friends anymore, but at least there are weekends to try to catch up. My suitemates rarely acknowledge me, but my roommate and I are closer than ever. The shower in the dorm is freezing, the doors don't work, the dining hall is failing miserably in the vegetarian department, but I have a roof. I have a bed. And I have food. Basically what I've been realizing is I'm being a whiny brat. I'm sitting here crying over not having a canon rebel of my own, and my cousins have the crappiest home life I can imagine. I'm mad because I have to take the bus everywhere with sometimes questionably people, but I've never had any of those people try to mess with me.

I guess I'm just tired of the shallowness and selfish person I've become. Sick of it actually. And the only way God is getting me out of it is by teaching me to be content. I'm rapidly realizing that this whole thing is bigger than me. Duh, I know, but honestly. My pride is definitely taking a beating But I need to be humbled out because I was getting way too haughty. It's time to take a step back and say, "Woah, wait a minute. Really Rachel? You're really going to complain to the God of the universe because you have achne? Grow up." And God still loves me anyway. That baffles me. And it gives me the strength to just not completely go too far the other way and overly beat myself up over it.

Lord, teach me contentment in all circumstances. I want to be like Paul- suffering and all if need be...

Confessions of an Unnamed Woman...

Here's something I've realized lately folks, God knows what He's doing. And yes, you may say "Well, duh!" but have you ever sat back and contemplated exactly what that entails? I was given the chance to do so recently and I have to say my mind is somewhat blown. For my quiet time this morning I was reading the story of Samson's mother. (Judges 13:1-24) Now, we all know the story of Samson- the strong guy who had really bad taste in women. We can all relate to him (I miss my long hair too- no just kidding). But what of his mother? She's not even named, yet I am absolutely in love with her story.

Here's why I love her story. Because its ends with her being left in awe of God's perfect timing. God was so good to her, she almost couldn't believe it. So to give you the just of her life, she's barren. And this really depressed her. For some reason, God had not yet entrusted her with raising a child. And it was beyond understanding. Now, I've never desperately longed to be a mother- at least right now-, but I imagine that if I really wanted one and couldn't have one I'd start to think, "What's wrong with me? Would I really be that bad of a mother?" It's this "What's wrong with me?" question that we've all asked ourselves at some point. "What's wrong with me? Am I really not beautiful enough to be pursued? Am I not smart enough to succeed? Am I not talented enough? Why did this horrible thing happen? " These questions come in many shapes and forms and sometimes leave you feeling not so good. I'm sure Samson's mom shed quite a few tears- some angry of just "God I do not understand why!" and some more woeful.

I point out here that this battle went on for years. It wasn't just a month or two, but many many years. She was weary, tired of feeling that way. I identify. There's a line in the song "Beautiful" by Bethany Dillion that says, "Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention. I thought I could be strong, but it's killing me....." Honestly, that was me. And I got so tired of it. I was convinced I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. And yes, I know what you're thinking, "Rachel, You're 20. Stop being so dramatic." And yeah, I agree. I'm saying that now too. But I've realized now, this struggle has to last for a while. It's the only way we learn perserverance and patience. If it was a quicky issue with a quicky fix, you wouldn't build any character.

Anyway, back to the story. Finally a man comes and he tells Samson's mom that she's going to have a child and it's the best news of her life. It's beyond understanding! Not only that, but that this child is going to be "set apart to God from birth, and he will be the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines" (Judges 13:5). Holy snickerdoodles! When God blesses, He delivers abundantly. And it was at this moment that all the tears and heartache turned into cries of sheer joy. It was all totally worth the wait.

So, she runs to her husband and he can't really believe it either. I mean seriously, how would you explain that? "Well, honey, you see this random guy- I think he was from God- came up and said we're gonna have a kid. And he's pretty much going to kick butt." Thankfully the man appears again and this time her husband, Manoah, is there to talk to him. "Manoah said to the angel of the LORD, 'We would like you to stay until we prepare a young goat for you.' The angel of the LORD replied, 'Even though you detain me, I will not eat any of your food. But if you prepare a burnt offering, offer it to the LORD.' (Manoah did not realize that it was the angel of the LORD.) Then Manoah inquired of the angel of the LORD, 'What is your name, so that we may honor you when your word comes true?' He replied, 'Why do you ask my name? It is beyond understanding.'" (vs 15-18).

Yes, it was all, as it's supposed to be, beyond understanding. And this my friends, leaves me earnestly excited for the future. Because I'm finally seeing in my life where God's perfect timing is coming through and how if things had gone the way I wanted, well, they wouldn't have turned out so well. I wanted to go to college in Hawaii- university of Manoa to be exact. And I'd gotten in! Nothing was going to stand in my way. Nothing, except a little thing we like to call money. When I learned I couldn't go I was devastated. I simply did not understand. Flash forward and I'm starting my third year at CSULB. I get it now! I know why I couldn't go to Hawaii. God knew what was best. He knew I'd be so much better off in Long Beach! Joining the christian club Navigators has changed my life forever. I've made lasting friendships that have truly been a blessing. I don't know seriously were I would be without some of those people. And not just with navs, but also with my classmates and suitemates. I've been able to minister to them and have them minister to me. I'm also only a three hour drive away from home, which has been pretty handy whenever I just need to get away for the weekend.

I also wanted to get married right out of high school (I wasn't the smartest crayon in the box back then). It kind of makes me laugh now, because I was so upset that I wasn't. But you know what? I'm glad I didn't. Because I was caught up in the whole idea of romantic bliss. But lately I've been realizing that reality is a hard blow. Yeah, sure, it'd be nice to have someone to cuddle with. Someone to be there for those kisses. Someone special to care for. But that's all I really want right now, and it can be satisfied in a boyfriend. A husband comes with bills, and a house to clean, and having to figure out what to make for dinner every single night. Plus double the laundry. And yeah you get some perks too- like someone who understands you more intimately than anyone else, like living with your best friend, and to be blunt, sex- but I can't imagine trying to manage a household right now. I'm just trying to pass Physics! That's enough stress! And God knew that. So even when I laid there crying, "God, why can't I get married too?" He already knew what was best for me.

The same is true now. I don't have a boyfriend. Would I like one?, Yes. Are there still those nights that get pretty lonely? Yes. It still makes me blue that I'm almost 21 and never been kissed. But during this time of singleness, I'm learning more about myself. I'm discovering who I am- as a person, as part of God's creation, and as a purpose. And I needed to do that. I also needed to have my eyes opened past just the whole hopeless romantic view of relationships that I got trapped in. I needed to realize how much power they really give you over other people's emotions. I needed to start going deeper than just skin deep. So while I'm not always the most content with my singleness, I am the more wiser because of it. And God already knew that too. And I'm not done growing yet. I mean seriously, I finally concluded that after trying to eat beets on my salad over the past year they still taste like dirt. I'm giving up. They will never taste good. Okay, I don't like beets. Check. One more thing I've learned. So many more to go.

People always say, "You just need to trust God." And yeah, easier said than done. But I say, "You just need to understand that God knows what He's doing." It's still easier said than done, but once you get it, it makes it so much easier to trust Him. God's not dumb. He really does know whats best for me. And if he ever does decide to bless me with a husband or even a boyfriend, it will be abundantly. Just like with Samson's mom. She had no idea what was in store for her all those nights she prayed for a child. And then boom, she got one amazing kid! And what was her response once she finally realized all she was being blessed with? "As the flame blazed up from the altar toward heaven, the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame. Seeing this, Manoah and his wife fell with their faces to the ground."(vs 20) So I'm excited to see who God has planned for me to love. Because in God's perfect timing, it will be face-plant worthy. Whether it be a husband, or just my friends if I'm not meant to be married. Because if I'm single for the rest of my life, there's a purpose behind it. God does not say "Whoops! My bad!" So folks, I think I'll be okay. :D

I look forward to the day when I get to stand and see all He has done in this area and say, "Wow! It's beyond understanding..."

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:9

Confessions of a Weight Loss Goal...

The summer always brings a chance of reflection. It's my time to sit back, unwind, get what needs to be done done, and get ready for the next school year. But probably my favorite part is at the end where I take a step back and examine the goals I've set for myself and establish new ones. Goals for the summer: Weight loss? Check. Eating healthy? Check. Seeing old friends? Check. Money? Check. Relaxation? Double Check. Getting over someone? Mmm half checked. Growing in my relationship with God? Can you ever fully check that off?. All of this equates to a pretty successful summer in my book. So, as I was sitting contemplating my new goals I thought, "What's left?"

Well I have a new weight loss goal thanks to John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease." And we're not taking about body fat here people. What weight do I need to lose? My ego, my selfishness, my pride, my stubborness, my timidity, my fear of rejection, my careing too much about what others think- the list could go on for pages. Now, I don't know about you, but that sounds a whole lot harder than dropping a few pounds. But I have to do it. It doesn't say I would like to decrease, but I must. It's necessary. Why? Because I'm crippling myself.

For most people, when you loose weight it makes you a healthier, happier person. I am better able to perform the tasks I need to. The same is true spiritually. If I'm not in top physical condition spiritually, how on earth can God use me to my full purpose? Now, this doesn't mean that even now when I'm spiritually obese I don't have a purpose. He's still making good use out of me. But how much more could be done if the ratio became 10% Rachel 90% God instead of 80% Rachel 20% God?

So friends, that is my new goal. I can't sit around eating chocolate anymore. I can't go through this whole Christianity thing only picking out the sweet stuff. There is work to be done. There are lost friends that need to know. I've got to start training. And here's another thing that 75 posts worth of blogs has taught me. God is faithful. He will help me. He will do things that you can never imagine were possible. Sometimes, it takes a lot of patience, but the number on that scale of "me, myself, and I" will drop.

Confessions of a Prodigal Purity Ring...

It's almost shameful to admit this, but I just finished secretly squealing in giddy excitement over a piece of jewelry. You see, I had this purity ring. And combined with the sentimental value of how I got this ring I truly did love it. It fit me so well- style wise that is. Size wise it was a bit loose. The truth is that I should have been smart and put the thing on a chain a long time ago. I wouldn't even make if out of the dorm door and it would have already slipped off my finger. My poor resident assistant must have returned the darn thing to me at least four times. I'm amazed he didn't threaten to superglue it to my finger. It was even kind of a running joke amongst the suite. Anytime anyone said "I found this ring in the hallway" my roommates would all say "It's probably Rachel's." The sad fact: most of the time it was :/.

Well, the day finally came where this beloved ring slipped off my ring finger for the last time. I searched and searched, but to no avail. I mean, seriously, I was crawling up and down the hallway looking for this thing, leaving sticky notes on my friend's doors telling them to keep an eye out. But every time I checked the resident office's lost and found I was only greeted with cell phones, bracelets, and the occasional hair clip. After about a month I gave up hoping that it would just magically show up.

After 5 months, I was sitting at home one day and I decided I wanted another one. But I'm very stubborn. I didn't want to have to pick out a new ring, I just wanted one like I already had. I searched for hours trying to find one I liked, but nothing screamed Rachel like my old one. I tried everything I could to find the old design, but no luck. Well, after another two hours of searching I had resigned to give up and post a depressing "But I don't want a new ring. I just want my old one back," facebook status when low and behold I stumbled upon an ebay ring that looked similiar. In my last attempt I clicked on the manufacturer's link and low and behold next to the picture of the ebay ring was my ring! My ring, fit just for me. As if I had designed it myself. I was so excited that I had searched for so long and finally found it that I gave a squeal of delight.

Well, the next day my assigned quiet time reading was Luke 15: 8-10, the parable of the woman who had ten silver coins and she lost one- a far more costly loss than a $40.00 ring. I sat there thinking, "Nicely played God." I've heard this story before and always thought that it was a bit odd that after she found the coin she called her neighbors and threw a party saying "Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin!" (vs 9) This time I got it. Not that I'm throwing a party over my ring, but it may make a status update.

For the first time I understood the depth of this parable. You see friends to Christ we are the valuable coin (or ring). Something irreplaceable. Something so dear He will do everything in His power to find it. And He never stops seeking because His power is limitless.

The woman does not take a lax attitude towards her lost possession. No. First she lights a lamp, necessarily expending oil, so that she can see clearly. Next, instead of simply glancing here and there, she sweeps her house so that she can reach places that might otherwise be inaccessible to her. Above all, she searches carefully. There is no hint of indifference, only diligence. This coin was valuable; she must find it at all costs. When we are lost sinners, we are not just “out there” somewhere away from God. God longed for us so much that He took the ultimate action; He offered up His Son as a sacrificial lamb. This He did to reconcile us to Himself. He would go through any means- any expense- to save us.

We are all individuals of great importance to the Father. The woman could have been content to possess the remaining nine coins, but she wasn't. Just as Christ desires for ALL to know Him. The story that follows this parable drives the point home even more. The parable of the prodigal son demonstrates the love and forgiveness of the father. Not only was the son lost, but he had royally blown it.

It fills my heart with joy to think of how special we are to Christ. According to my google search there are 2.1 billion other Christians in the world. Before me there were probably a similiar number. But still Christ was not satisfied. He wanted me. He had 2.1 other people and still He wanted me. And He wanted you. And He searched for us until we were found. And those that are lost He still pursues. And that's the most baffling concept. Not only that a Holy, Perfect, and Sanctified God loves us because we are His creation and wants a relationship with us, but that HE pursues US. I have nothing left to do but fall down in gratefulness. Mind. Blown.

"But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” (Luke 15:32)

Confessions of an Exposed Rachel...

Most of the time I like to write uplifting yet challenging posts. I attempt (whether I actually succeed is up to you) to show my funny side in my writing. But before you read much further I'd like to warn you. This as a whole, is not a happy post. In fact, I have spent many hours debating whether or not to even post it. It's not going to make you laugh. It's not going to provide spiritual insight in a humorous and entertaining way. It's not going to make you think of me as the usually upbeat, genuinely happy and bubbly self that I normally am. But this will hopefully give you encouragement if you struggle with the same things I do and insight to my other side. The other side that says, "Hey, I bleed occasionally. I'm a real girl, with real struggles." Even as I write this now my hands are shaking because I haven't eaten hardly anything today. I'm almost afraid to. So, if you want to get to know the whole Ray Ray, keep reading, because this is me- raw and exposed.

I have titled this blog "A Thought on the Lies of the World and Testimony of God's Healing," because that's exactly what this story is about. You see, I'm a bookworm. And recently I was reading a book called "Captivating" (Highly recommend). One of the chapters dealt with wounds and overcoming them. I read on about how the way this woman's father treated her had affected her relationships. I read story after story of examples from other women how the wounds they had received as little girls affected them now, not just from fathers, but from mothers, friends, classmates ect. And to be honest, at first I didn't think it related. I have great friends and family. At first I was a little annoyed with it actually. I thought, "she's opening a doorway for people to dig up or even potentially create problems were there are none." It reminded me of that whole spiel that we always hear about where someone goes to a shrink and the parents are ALWAYS to blame.

But then when I finished, I took some time to think. I never much payed any attention to my wounds. They never seemed big enough to deal with. Sure I didn't have the highest self esteem and confidence level. I still have achne. I still have a terrible fear of talking to guys my own age (something which by the grace of God I have come a long way on this past schoolyear and relates back to the confidence thing) Yeah, maybe sometimes I don't like the way I look. But these weren't big things. They were just stuff that normal twenty year olds dealt with. And I was working through them, so why was "the source" so important? And that's when it hit me. Because the source was a lie. It was a lie that Satan had used to attack my heart over and over and over again. And I didn't recognize that until I gave credit to what had initially caused all this.

What I realized is, Satan knows my weakness. He knows directly where to throw the spear. He has had an outright attack on my beauty and my self esteem since before I even realized what it was. Because here's the truth. From the time I can remember, boys my own age have been making fun of the way I look. Since fourth grade I have gotten every fat girl joke, every you're so ugly joke known to man. You name it, I've dealt with it. Anywhere from the fake valentine grahams saying "Hey baby you're so hot, will you be my girlfriend. Love your secret admirer" and being laughed at when I actualy thought they were serious, to random guys just outright messaging me on myspace or facebook and telling me that I was the ugliest person they'd ever seen. I had no idea who they were. There was no rhyme or reason behind it. And this didn't just happen once, but year after year. In fact my most recent message came just a few weeks ago. And after a while it got to me. After a while of constantly being bombarded with these lies and not finding any guy who would stand up and contradict them I began to believe they were true. And I realized that’s why I'm afraid of men. That's why the minute one walks into the room I want to run in the opposite direction. Most guys just think I'm being standoffish, but the truth is I'm terrified and want to get out before they say anything because I worry they'll repeat history. Author Stasi Eldredge puts it perfectly when she says "A woman who is living a self-protective life is a woman who is living out of a broken, wounded heart." Which is why as a side note I challenge any guy reading this. Be careful what you say to even just your gal pals. You never know how much power your words have. And if you think a girl is beautiful, tell her.

I don't say this next thing to make you feel sorry for me, but I have never once had a guy my age tell me that I'm beautiful. But my point is, is that now even if one did, I don't think I'd believe him. You see, I've let these lies rule my life so much, that now even when good things come along I almost don't trust that they're good. I blew these wounds off as nothing but stupid memories and instead have caused them to fester. My friends, please do not follow down this road. It is extremely dangerous and very hard to come back from. If you know something is hurting you, address it now. Don't let the infection spread. Because here is the hope. You can come back from it. God does heal.

I'm in recovery. And the first step as part of that recovery is recognizing that these things I once called truths are just the opposite. They are nothing but evil, an attack on the truth. I piss Satan off, and these ugly messages are nothing more than his way to try to get back at me. And he's tactful. He goes right to my wellspring of life- my heart (Prov. 4:23) Which is why that verse also warns to guard your heart. You may not struggle with beauty issues, but you struggle with something. I challenge you to be on your upmost guard, alert at all times because satan is on the move. I can't put it any better than 1 Peter 5:8 "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

Part of knowing that they're lies is recognizing the truth. And the truth is that I make Satan angry because I am God's Girl. And he hates that. God calls me His own and reconciles me to Himself. God has saved me and paid the ultimate price of His Son's life because He loves me so much. God calls me His beautiful masterpiece, the prize and crown of His creation. That's the truth of my beauty. That's what I cling to when I'm not so happy looking in the mirror. And anything said or any doubt I have against that is a bold-faced lie. The end. Period. No if and's or butts.

The last step is to forgive and let God heal you. He wants you. His truth will set you free (John 8:32). He will do everything it takes to make that happen. But you have to let go of it. Trust me, He can take it. This is were I am now. And it's a long journey, a journey I've honestly only just begun, and I journey I sometimes have to restart because I go off and try to handle things on my own. But I know I will get there because God has already proven Himself faithful to me numerous times before.

I hope you found this post hopeful. I hope it gives you strength to share your struggles with others and encourage them. I know just in the few people I have already shared these thoughts with, I have found tremendous strength and comfort. Because I'm fortunate enough that I'm not alone in this. A good majority of my girl friends struggle with the exact same thing. But even if you don't share, I hope most importantly that you learn to recognize a lie for a lie. And I hope that you learn to run to God not as a last resort as we so often do, but the minute things go bad. And trust me, we live in a fallen world. Even if you've had no struggles thus far, don't worry, you will.

I'd like to leave you with this final thought. It is Stasi Eldredge's lamen's terms paraphrase of Isaiah 61:1-3 and I absolutely love it: "God has sent me on a mission. I have some good news for you. God has sent me to restore and release something. And that something is you. I am here to give you back your heart and set you free. I am furious at the enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him. Let me comfort you. For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upn you where you have only known devestation. Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow. And I will robe your heart in thankful praise in exchange for your resignation and despair."

Confessions of a Movie Lover...

There a few things I enjoy more on those "I just want to be lazy" nights than popping in a good movie. Especially one that has been talked about so much, but I've still never seen. So, as I sat down to watch "Taken" a few weeks ago, I was expecting to thoroughly enjoy it. All my friends that had seen it loved it. Well, I'm shamed to admit that it took me almost three years to see it. Because it was amazing! There are two reasons I loved it.

First, it showed just how far father's are willing to go for their daughters. You don't mess with daddy's baby girl. They are not above taking down an entire sex trafficking organization if you piss them off. You will die. Future husband, take note of what you're up against.

Second, because of the blatant spiritual analogy that I didn't expect to receive. There's a scene towards the end of the movie where the main character (played by Liam Neeson ♥) witnesses his daughter being bid upon. She's all drugged up so she has no idea who he is. I absolutely love this scene, did I mention that? Anyway, he aims a gun at a mans skull and yells "Buy her." The man hits the button and proceeds to do this two or three times, each time increasing the bid. Eventually though, he hesitates when the price starts to get too high, and its at this point that Liam himself reaches over and hits the button, saving her. By doing that simple act, he buys her for $500,000- five times what the last girl sold for, but it'd never be too high a price. She's his, saved from being a slave.

The spiritual lesson didn't hit me until after the movie was over. And then I realized, we're the drugged up daughters. Sometimes in our lives we get so messed up we don't even recognize our heavenly father anymore. But He still loves us anyway. Because we are still His children. And Satan and sin are the other bidders, only this bid is for a lot more than our bodies- it's for our soul. And sometimes, sin drives a pretty hard bargain. The battle of our sinful nature and our saved nature continues- we struggle with temptation and righteousness. Those figures start to sound pretty good. But it's at the very last minute where Christ Himself willingly steps in, slams the buzzer down breaking it, and says, "I've already bought her. It's not too high a price for me. I love her" And he saves us from being slaves- slaves to sin. You see my friends, this bidding room is the cross. It was at the cross where Christ finally said "It is finished." (John 19:30) I've taken all her sin and shame on myself. She's bought. I have redeemed her. She's mine. Signed, sealed, delivered, stamped. Bought at the ultimate price- my life. And the auctioneer slams the gavel down, "Sold. Paid in full..."

"For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect." -1 Peter 1:18-19.

Confessions of a New Vendetta...

I've had a newly found vendetta as of late. I figured it was about time one showed up. I don't get them very often. Indeed my last one was against skinny jeans on guys, and it's lasted me about a good four years. Still hate them by the way. Anyway, my newest victim of disgust surprises me, because this past year I probably spent close to two hundred dollars indulging in it: Chick flicks.

Yes, I don't like chick flicks. Here are some reasons why:

1) They are impractical. Have you noticed how the guy always comes around? Have you noticed how hopelessly romantic he is? Have you noticed how they always seem to set each other for those perfect one-liners? Life cannot be rehearsed people. Trust me. I have rehearsed frequent conversations in my head and when they happen in real life they never go as planned. They are nothing more than daydreams of the writer. And the reason the writer has to daydream them is because they don't happen in reality.

2) They set you up for idolizing falling in love. I'm going to be honest. I think about the guy I crush on all the time. I daydream even of sitting in church with Him, WHILE I'M IN CHURCH. The guy has become my idol. I can't get him out of my head. But these things that I daydream he's doing don't really even fit his character. They fit the character of what I saw the guy in the movie do. Let me give an example which will hopefully clarify this point. I once crushed on a guy who hated the beach. And yet I would have daydreams of us sitting on the beach, watching the sunset, talking, and then falling asleep in each other's arms. This was my fantasy of what was romantic. But the truth is, he would never ever really do that with me. He HATES the beach! And then I asked myself why I thought it was romantic. The truth? Because the movies and all these teenie bopper books told me it was. If I had never read a romance novel or watched a movie would I find the beach so romantic?

Which leads me to number 3) They set you up for disappointment. Romance movies have taught me to be all heart and no head. They have told me that when guys don't talk to you it just means they're shy. That they secretly have strong feelings for you, they just don't know how to tell you. But my head knows the truth. My head says, "You dummy. If he liked you he'd talk to you." My head says, "You know he doesn't have feelings towards you. You only keep hoping he does because that guy in the movie acted the same way and he ended up secretly having feelings for her." There is a total sense of false hope.

And here's my last point. 4) Romance movies completely shallow out the definition of love. I honestly have no idea what it means to love someone for them. And its something that I'm working on and really struggling with. It's something that I am constantly praying about. Because I've realized that the guys that I have "loved" I have "loved" because of who they represented, not who they were. I realize that the guys I even crush on I don't crush on them for them. I crush on them because they once showed interest and I fantasize about what they could represent to me. And I think this honestly even corresponds to the divorce rate. Girls get this shallowed out, almost fantasy idea of love. And they dream of their wedding. And they dream of wedded bliss. And they dream of romance. And they try to be practical and say there will be struggles, but they dream of fighting through the struggles. Like it was all one big movie script. And then they get in real life where there's money, cooking, cleaning, and imperfect people (who's flaws aren't planned to appear at a specific point like in a novel) and all of a sudden they're miserable because there's no way real life can ever live up to fantasy.

Now with all of this said do I think you can be happy in marriage? 100% ABSOLUTELY. Do I think guys can be spontaneously adorable and romantic in real life? You bet! Do I think romances are bad? No, not necessarily.

But I am left with a few questions to ponder. If I had never watched a chick flick or read a romance novel, how would I define romance? What would I say it means to love someone? Because honestly folks, I've been falsely tainted. And I guess the biggest question of all is, without having been taught to romantically daydream how else would I have spent my time? What else would I think about? And I know deep down where I can find answers to all these questions. I should have been looking to Christ all along for them anyway.

"Dear Heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you? Just look at all the trouble you drag me into. I've heard it said to follow your heart, but I'm starting to wonder if it's gone too far. Oh Heart, you've let me down, chasing love where it can't be found. Heart, we've fallen out, cause all of your emotions have led me to doubt. Tell me who's gonna save us now?" -Sanctus Real

Confessions of a Ponderer...

It has come to my attention lately that people liberally throw around the word "Faith" without really considering its true significance. We say things like "Have a little faith," "My faith was the only thing that got me through it," "I am of the Catholic faith," or even "I have lost all faith in humanity." Now, I'm not saying these expressions are bad, it's just that most of time people don't get much deeper than that.

This morning for my quiet time I read Hebrews 11. And I began to realize the incredible power of faith. It's the reason Noah built the ark (Vs 7), why Moses' parents hid him (Vs 23), why Rahab hid the spies (vs 31) why Gideon conquered(vs 32), why Daniel faced the lions den, and so many more. It wasn't just their excuse they used for why they did these things, but their sole motivation.

I am left to ponder, what would have happened if these people had lost their faith? Or rather if they had placed it in something besides the One True God? What if Noah had reasoned he was going insane and committed himself to the psych ward instead of building the ark? What if Moses' parents had decided hiding their son was too risky and they weren't that fond of baby basket boats? Or if Rahab became too worried she would get caught? What if Daniel had started praying in secret so as to avoid exposure and thus the lions den? What if any one of these people had decided to "play it safe"? Would we say they still had faith?

Because here's the thing. It was because of their faith that they did these things. Through faith alone Abraham put his son Isaac on the alter (vs 17) Through faith alone Moses led the people out of Egypt. He even outright recognized that he couldn't do it on his own! "But Moses said to God, 'Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?'"(Exodus 3:11)

Matthew 17:20 gives light to the extreme power of faith. "He [Jesus] replied, 'Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'" That's a whole lot of powerful punch packed into one teeny tiny thing.

So once again I am left to ponder. What would happen if I just stepped out? Surely none of these people could foresee the drastic consequences of their actions. I'm pretty sure Daniel was not 100% positive those lions wouldn't be hungry. And surely no mother would ever consider that her baby she refused to let be killed would save the nation. How would the story of my legacy change if the beginning was "By faith, Rachel..."?

"I want to leave a legacy. How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering- a child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically. And leave that kind of legacy..."

Confessions of a "Phantom of the Opera" Lover...

After watching one of my favorite movies of all times recently I am left with a few thoughts. Permit me, if you will, to share some of them with you.

1) A kiss is very powerful. It can save your true love from being hanged by an evil, ugly, yet misunderstood being.

2) If you hate mirrors to the point that you want to cover them up or angrily smash them with a candlestick, why would you build them in your evil liar? I mean, you designed it- couldn't you have just not put them in?

3) Gerard Butler's voice when he sings "Music of the Night" is intoxicatingly sexy (sorry guys, but its true)

4) There is no reason why you can't sing at all times of the day. It seems the best way to express your feelings.

And finally last but certainly not least...

5) Everyone (including a phantom) can be redeemed.

It's this last one that I'd like to focus on. Because you see, I'm a firm believer that everyone has at least one redeemable quality if you look hard enough. But I know that a lot of people don't believe that's true. Call me ignorant, stupid, naive, whatever, but I still hold to the fact that people can change. Sometimes they just need someone to give them the chance. But I know that ANYTHING is possible with God, so why would I not believe that He could change their heart?

But all this aside, it gets me thinking. How gracious it is of God to redeem us. Because think about it, what have we got to offer?

So what is redemption you may ask? Well according to one Noah Webster it is "The action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment." I like this definition simply because it uses the words regaining possession. It relates more to the fall of man. We were in unity with God in the garden and then man fell. But Christ's blood brought us back and now we are restored if we choose to accept the gift. Think about it, that's a pretty big restoration- from complete unity to total doom back to complete unity. Romans 7:14 tells us that we were a bonded slave sold to sin. How strong is the love of Christ if He is able to break that bond? And not just break it, but defeat it!

Think about how much work it would take to redeem just one person from this kind of situation. And yet Christ redeemed the whole world. (1 John 2:2).

I think today Christians in general have lost the "awe" factor of the cross. We focus so much on the resurrection, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, that we often neglect the true meaning of the cross. It wasn't just the spot where Jesus died. It wasn't just a mandatory means of death so Christ could rise again. This was the place for all the shame. This was where He separated himself from the Father and declared, "My God My God, Why have you foresaken me?" (Matt 27:46). This was where Christ took on all the sin of man and declared, "It is finished." Paid in full. By dying on the cross He had set in motion the complete enactment of the finished work of God's intent for the restoration of mankind.

So it leads me back to that first question, why? Why us? What have we got to offer? I draw a blank. I am left without any thought, except one- love. It was all motivated by love. Humbling isn't it?

"So I'll cherish the old rugged cross till my trophies at last I lay down. I will cling to the old rugged cross..."