Confessions of a Gratefully Sore Body...

     I am 100% convinced I have a guardian angel and he should be paid some SERIOUS overtime. I got hit on my bike by someone texting while driving. Her car directly hit my leg, but other than a few scrapes and a little blood I'm perfectly okay. Looking at the impact of my bike on her car they said my leg should have been shattered.

     I walked away from that incident very grateful and thinking it was something I could add to the list of things I've done in my life. Got hit by a car? Check! Although I must admit it wasn't necessarily something I would have purposefully wanted. Anyway, everything checked out alright and I was going to live to ride another day. I gave no more thought to the subject.

     That was until that night. WOW was my body sore! I had a right leg that had a few good stinging scrapes and a left arm that was the victim of a TDAP (I was trying to sound cool with the medical lingo- it's a tetanus shot :/). Plus, I was still recooperating from a bad ankle injury, which had been re-injured with the impact. But it was as I was lying there, griping to myself about how I was so tired of being in pain that the thought occurred to me, my leg hurt. And the fact that it hurt meant it had feeling. And the fact that it had feeling meant I could still walk. All of a sudden I was overcome with the joy of thankfulness. I had been hit by a car and could wake up tomorrow and walk. Not everyone could say that.

     I had been praying earlier that week that God would make me feel alive again. I just felt kind of spiritually blah. And it was at that moment that I realized, I did not die young. God wanted me alive. And He wanted me alive because He has big plans for my life that are still to come. What an exciting hope! And there may be more pain in the future, but it will only serve as a reminder that I'm still alive. It seems the Maker of the Universe isn't quite done with this clumsy Ray Ray yet.

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." Psalm 48:14

Confessions of a Purposed Summer Girl...

     Have you ever had that moment when you are doing something you know 100% you are meant to be doing? How did it feel? Did you notice a sense of Joy and Peace? Did it make you excited? Did you find you smiled often for no apparent reason? Has it ever been something you never thought you'd like?

     Growing up my father often repeated the phrase, "The Lord works in mysterious ways." I've heard this so many times from him and others it almost seems cliche'. But something that I've realized lately is there is some truth to this.

     Enter my summer. Before leaving at the end of the semester a friend asked if I would be interested in joining the Navigators student ministry team. I was really hesitant. It's not that I'm opposed to serving people, I just wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. And to be honest there was a huge area of self-doubt. "Who am I to lead these people?" Moses once so elequently spoke. But it didn't stop there.

     After about a week of being at home someone in our church approached me and asked me to help her lead a Bible study for junior high and high school girls. My initial response was to say "NO!" Public speaking? No thank you! Leading a bible study? Not for me! Having to be the leader and get to know other girls? I'll pass on the judgement truck thank you. And even if they didn't judge me, can you say socially awkward? Yes, I am. I have no problem admiting it; I know its true. Talking to people freaks me out. All of this to say, it wasn't something I wanted. It wasn't even something I thought I'd be any good at. So I don't really know what prompted me to say "Okay." 

    Well, that was the best half-hearted "okay" I have ever done. I LOVE it! I get so excited for every Tuesday night I'm literally restless with anticipation. God has blessed and blessed abundantly. I have never felt more pure joy. Those girls have been such a blessing to my life! And I never ever thought I'd be there. They have also inspired a whole new era of thankfulness. I look at some of them and say, "I used to think that exact same way! And it was like 4 years ago! Wow! So much has changed! Thank you God for how much you've grown me. And thank you for the growth in them that I've already seen!" I've heard their struggles. I've shared them. And where I once thought I'd be the outcast, I now find fellowship. 

     And did I mention, I get to go to camp with them as well?! Yep! It's back to Jenness Park for Centrifuge! I haven't been there since I graduated high school three years ago! And now I get to go as a counselor? Whoa! I think I'm actually more excited than them. So many of them have never been and I'm like "You guys don't understand the awesomeness that you're headed for!" There will be tears. There will be heartbreaking stories, but there will also be lives changed. There will be healing. There will be an up-close encounter with God.

     All of this to say, I've learned I need to listen to God. His ideas seem crazy at the time. Sometimes they're terrifying. But why so much lack of trust? Did not God say that He only plans good for our lives? (Jeremiah 29:11). But ask Him what your purpose is. Because once you find it, you will find unbelievable blessings! And trust Him. OBEY Him. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if after this summer I will ever be in youth ministry again. I don't know what to do for a career. I don't know if marine biology is really my purpose. And it's terrifying. I'm scared to death I have worked so hard for nothing. I don't know what to do about anything about the future. But I realized, I really haven't been that open to listening to what He wants. I have my own plans and ideals. And they seem pretty good. But I want that joy and peace that comes in knowing, "This is what I was meant to be doing. This is my purpose." I only hope He reveals it soon. I only pray that I have listening ears. 

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:9-12

Confessions of a Charlie Brown...

      This morning I discovered one advantage to waking up with the sun. "A Boy Named Charlie Brown" was on! I've always had a soft spot for that little baldy. I tuned in, expecting to be able to veg out and maybe even nap a little bit. But what I didn't expect was a spiritual lesson in it. I started watching right about the point where Charlie Brown is just really down on life. He says he has too many problems, so maybe he should seek professional help about it. Enter Lucy. Lucy offers to help "cure" Charlie by her own special method. But her method works just the opposite. She goes slide after slide of all Charlie Brown's faults. She then preceeds to tell Charlie Brown that he just needs to kick it and move on. To give him a physical analogy, she offers to hold the football while he runs up and sends it flying. But Charlie Brown is no dummy. He knows Lucy's really going to move the football. And he tells her as such. To defend herself, Lucy says he has two choices: either he tries to kick the ball or they go back in and watch more of Charlie Brown's faults. Either way for poor Charlie it's a loose loose situation. Finally Charlie Brown makes a decision. He gets his courage up and running as fast as he can toward the football yells at the top of his lungs, "This is it! This is really it! I'm going to beat it this time!" And I think for a moment he really does believe that. But just at the last second Lucy moves the football and he falls flat on his back. As if the disapointed hopes weren't enough, Lucy offers to let him watch his failure over and over on instant replay.

     I was taken aback a moment. How many times have I danced that same dance with sin? How many times have I given in to something knowing already how badly it would end? How many times have I said, "This is it! I'm finally going to give this up! I'm finally going to kick this habit! I won't idolize boys anymore. I won't compare myself to girls anymore. I won't obsess about my looks anymore!" Only two hours later I'm back on the scale crying because I've gained a half a pound since I weighed myself on an empty stomach that morning. And Lucy is an important figure in all this too. Because much like Satan loves to do, Lucy never wavers in pointing out Charlie's faults. Over and over Satan loves to say "See. Give it up. Look at how many times you've failed. Remember all those things you did wrong? You will never be worthy of love. You will never be forgiven. You're too bad." The regrets of our past are on instant replay in our minds. And it's hard to fight against them because they just keep coming back. We seem stuck in a loose loose situation.

     Such a daily/hourly struggle can wear a person out. It can truly make them a sad sack Charlie Brown. But here's the hope that Charlie Brown never discovered: God is TRUTH. He's the only way you can combat the instant replay of bad choices and regret. And He has promised He will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5). He has promised when we call He will forgive us (Acts 2:21). He has planned good things for us not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11). He has promised that we are no longer doomed to live in constant replay of regret. God does not remember our faults so why should we? (Psalm 103:12). God will not be a Lucy. He will not remove the football right before you achieve victory. In fact, He's right there kicking it with you. As Christians God has already given us the victory! (1 Corinthians 15:57) 

     And when you realize that, it even affects how you view other people. I find myself getting really discouraged when people who know better, take the wrong path. When good guys/girls don't pursue the right things in their relationships. When people make terrible choices about friends, drugs, alcohol, their futures, ect. I ache for them. I want them to stay "the good ones." They've been fighting against this temptation for so long and it seems so hopeless when it looks as if they're finally giving in. I want to be the cheerleader again standing at the sideline yelling, "No. Keep going down the narrow path. You're doing good! Don't believe the shallowness and lies of this world! DON'T GIVE INTO CULTURE! You're so close!" But I've been left with a certain reality-I am no different. And if my ache is this great, how much more does a Perfect and Loving Father ache for them and for me?

     But God has not abadoned us. Even if we have turned from Him. It's not my job to save them. Especially since I'm drowning myself. But we have a lifeguard who walks on water. Only God can turn their heart's back to Him. Every time I try I'm bound to fail. All I can really do is pray for them. But they are forgiven. Those who have a past are forgiven. And every time I stand before someone who has one I have two choices: I can judge them for their time away. Or, I can accept them and thank God that they are no longer that person. I can choose to focus on the testimony those painful mistakes have given them. And I can find hope that mine add to my testimony as well. It makes it easier to love them by accepting who they are. And for those that I still ache for, it gives me hope to see how God could use this in the future for His glory. It gives me the strength to run to kick the football one last time.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:1-2

Confessions of a Former Twilight Fan...

     I've been doing a lot of "house cleaning" over the past couple of days. My closet has thoroughly been swept through and my floor now looks like a hurricane hit. I'm tempted to pile all my old, too big, clothes up and jump- much like my inner four year old still wants to do when the leaves fall. Anyway, it was on one of these "cleaning" (and I say cleaning in quotes because it's really just moving the mess around) days that I discovered something I think will continue to haunt me from my past until the day I die. You have to understand though, I was the queen of hopeless romantics. Literally, I even thought it would be romantic to die young. Yep, I was that girl. You know, the one walking around with her head in the clouds, who believes love can conquer all. The one dreaming of meeting Prince Charming around every corner, who she planned to graciously fall into after not watching where she was going because her head was stuck in the latest romance novel. The girl who's itunes was composed of 95% love songs, 2% country songs, and 3% country love songs. The one who wanted to be married at 18 more than anything. Thank God I didn't get what I wanted. That's all I have to say now.


     But it was just as I was thinking about how much things have changed that my dark part of my past came back to haunt me. Now, I'm going to share it with y'all. I believe there truly is freedom in confession. Okay, take a moment Rachel. Just get it off your chest. Here we go.... I own a t-shirt with Edward Cullen's face on it. Phew, glad thats over. It's true, I was a die hard, #1 fan Twilight junkie. I even had the "Team Edward" Burger King crown. "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." ;) You fellow fans know this quote well. 


     But now I find myself angry with Twilight. Even to the point of ranting. First of all because I grew up in the generation when vampires were scary, not sparkly, and second of all because of how shallow Edward and Bella's love really is. And you're getting these married, 40 year old women, who should know better, that are going completely gaga because they think this is what their husbands should be like. You want your husband to love you as a tick loves his next blood meal? Or as a psychotic stalker loves the person he's creeping on? Really? REALLY?! This frustration that there should be something more had been festering inside for quite some time, but I never knew how to express it. That was until Sunday.


     Here's a new definition of marriage for you. The coming together of body, soul, and spirit. And you have to have all three. But as the pastor explained, the word "love" is too general. The greeks had it right. They broke it down into further definitions. Eros love is the passionate, physical attraction, love. It's the coming together of the body. Phileo love is the love of one on the level of morals, interests, habbits, ect. It is essentially the coming together of the souls. And last, but most definitely not least is Agape love. It is the coming together of spirit. Having like faiths, ministering with each other, essentially all spiritual "stuff". 


     But here's the secret. The number one reason most relationships are doomed to fail from the beginning. They're starting with the wrong love! Most start off with Eros love. It makes no difference among christian or non-christian. I've done it. Admit it folks, it's the basis of our culture. Can you say one night stands? Diets? Hollywood? Strapless bikinis? (That's a whole other rant in and of itself. But I mean seriously, how is that practical for swimming. The minute I dive into the pool that thing is sliding right off) There's a reason Edward Cullen was made out to sound more sexy than God. There's a reason Taylor Lautner was not hired for the second movie until his 8 pack came in. And while looks aren't bad- it's not wrong to find someone attractive- they're given too much importance. Because eros is the most shallow form of love. And if you start there, that's all you'll ever get. So many people make that mistake. They want a connected, deep, meaningful relationship. They long for someone who wants them for more than the fact that they look good on their arm, but that's where they start. It's like want a taco but starting with beans, cheese, and flour tortillas. Sorry darling, but you're stuck with a burrito.


     So where should you start? Agape. Why? Because that's ultimately the most important anyway. Agape allows you to see the person for who they are, not how they ideally fit you. You're not looking at a person and saying "I like him because he's attractive, or I like him because he does this or we have this in common." That's all selfish. Agape means taking that person for how they are, not how you've fantasized them to be in your daydreams. It's unconditional. Its impossible for it to be selfish because its based solely on them. You don't even factor into the equation. And thats what makes love so beautiful. But I think it's also really cool that God has a perfect place for all three, even eros- have you read Song of Soloman?!


     Bella and Edward's love? Re-read your books folks. It's Eros. (Because it certainly wasn't her personality that attracted him) My lasting crush love? Eros with a hint of phileo. But I've realized I've already screwed it up. We can't ever be in a relationship because this stupid hopeless romantic has already gone and doomed us. Because when I think about it, he's a great guy. He really is! And that's what makes it so hard to just let it go. But I honestly don't think I could ever love him for him anymore. Because now it'd be too hard to separate him from the perfect guy in my head I've made him out to be. The guy I want him to be and the needs I want him to fix. I'm trying to force my eros to be an agape and it can't be done. Not to mention I'm looking for fulfillment in the wrong place. I mean geez, filling that lonely hole in your heart? That's a lot of pressure for a guy! He's not meant to ever fill it. He can't, even if he tried.


     I used to live by the slogan that said "I'm just a Bella looking for my Edward." I used to think it was a romantic saying. But it's nothing compared with "I'm waiting discover my body, soul, and spirit life partner. It's going to be such a beautiful thing." Now that folks, is top notch romanticism. 


"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Confessions of an Irony Lover...

"Irony is a disciplinarian feared only by those who do not know it, but cherished by those who do."- Soren Kierkegaard.

 Ain't it the truth! Who doesn't love a little irony now and then, right? There is truly sometimes you just have to laugh. Something I discovered this week is that God apparently loves irony too. He has certainly used it to teach me quite a few things.

School is winding down to a close; summer break is within tasting distance. But these last three weeks are going to be push, push, collapse, get back up, and push further. So with all the anxiety that there is to be had over tests, final projects, homework, grades, ect, it seems a fitting time for that end of the semester break down. I know I'm not alone in this. I have two other roommates and various friends that have joined me in the "fifteen minutes of tears" club. But the funny thing is, its not the immediate future I've been so stressed about. No, in fact, its the very far, distant future that I have absolutely no control over.

First comes the area of my career. Being rejected from a job at Sea World this summer did not bode so well for the hope of getting hired there in the future. Which leaves questions of "Do I even want this anymore? Can I do this? Where will I work? How will I support myself? How will I even start to look for a job once I graduate? Where will I live? Will I get married?" which can all be summed up in, WHAT AM I REALLY GOING TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?! 

Well, as it so happened, as it often does, this question had haunted me all week until finally while on the phone to my parents, my breakdown came. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. And, my parents being wonderful that they are, kept reminding me that God is in control. That He has a plan. A dear friend also reminded me earlier that Thursday that I had recounted to her about how over the summer I learned how God's timing is perfect. Oh how quickly we forget these things!

Well, God must have known how forgetful of a person I truly am because of all the weeks and all the topics of Navigators, this week we had a guest speaker. His topic? God's perfect timing. I know. Nicely played God.  So here was this adorable 90 year old man, who I literally just wanted to feed a cookie and adopt as an honorary grandpa, talking about God's timing and how His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55). I mean, the guy's old! He knows a thing or two about time! And yet, he pointed out that "The LORD is not slow in keeping His promise..." (2 Peter 3:9) But God is on a totally different time scale! What we would consider to be slow is a blink of an eye.

Some examples of God's timing? The Hebrews were slaves in Egypt for 430 years before God delivered them. They spent forty years in the wilderness before allowed to enter The Promised Land. They spent 70 years in the Babylonian captivity. In between the words of Malachi and the coming of Jesus there were 400 years of silence. You get the picture. All of a sudden being twenty one and having to wait two years to figure out what to do for a job doesn't seem like such a bad deal. 

Psalm 31:15 reminds us that our times are in the Lord's hands. The events of our everday lives are not unknown or unrelated to our Savior. Sometimes we see the big picture immediately. Sometimes, like with Joseph being sold into slavery and saving the entire land of Egypt from famine, we see the big picture a few years later. And sometimes, like with Job, we never see it. But this should not cause us to doubt. Because God sees the big picture. And He and His Word transcend all time. That's something we can stick to. 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

Confessions of a Convicted Gym Goer...

I've realized something lately. And it's something that actually kind of surprises me. I am actually a pretty competitive person. I never thought I was. I never cared if someone did better than me on a test or that I was second chair in band instead of first. None of those little things ever really got my attention. But I've realized lately, when it comes to sports, it's a whole different story. Which leads me to my anecdote.

There I was at the gym, my usual Saturday afternoon ritual, pushing myself on the treadmill. I had just peaked at four miles and was pretty smiley that I hadn't even stopped for a break. I could feel my ankle starting to ache, my quads starting to burn, and my calves deciding they would join in the complainfest too, so I decided it was probably just about time to finish up. My back was soaked with sweat. It felt awesome! But, just as I was about to click the treadmill down this random girl walked up and picked the treadmill right next to mine. Normally, this wouldn't phase me, even if all the other ones were completely empty, but this girl was doggin' me I could tell. She walked up, stretched a little, glanced over at how many miles I had ran and my speed and scoffed. Yep, that's right, she scoffed. And that was it. That little disgusted noise was enough to get my blood boiling. It was going down. So I cranked the treadmill back up, going past my usual speed, and ran until she quit and got tired. Four more miles, psh. I gave a sweet smile of satisfaction as she climbed down. "That's right!" I thought. "Step off. What now? Scoff at me! I could outrun your butt any day!" My ego was astronomical at that moment. And then you know what they say, pride goes before a fall.

I made it down the stairs and out the rec center doors, but it was just about then that my muscles completely gave out. I fell. I couldn't stand anymore. Part of it was a symptom of whatever neurological condition I have, the other part was I had just flat pushed myself too far. As my legs remained numb for the next twenty minutes I sought refuge on the benches, which gave me time to think and God time to seriously convict.

I realized that I hadn't just had a moment of competitiveness because she scoffed. The truth was, I probably would have done the same thing even if she hadn't shot me that look. I had already done it to girls on the ellipticals. I had done it to girls in tennis in high school. Guys there was no worries. I knew and accepted the fact that they could outrun me, but as I flashed back to my tennis days I remembered how there was a time I was so extremely jealous of my best friend because she was better than I was. And it affected our friendship for a while. It led me down a road of constantly comparing myself to others and jealousy.

But then it hit me. I didn't know this treadmill girl. I didn't know her story, her struggles. I didn't even know what had happened to her that morning. And here I was ripping her apart in my mind. Berating her, insulting her. And even though she had no idea, she didn't need that. Each of us are hard enough on ourselves. She needed compassion, mercy, and gentleness. I was hit with Colossians 3:12, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." That jealous competitiveness I had towards her, and those self-loathing thoughts that followed via the comparison weren't good. They weren't holy. God didn't want me to think that way about her or myself. We are both His beautiful creations. It wasn't fair or right to treat her any differently (Titus 3:1-5).

And that's where the struggle comes in. Casting out those thoughts and replacing them with something holier. Because the truth is, my mind for the majority of the day is not filled with holy thoughts. It's filled with jealousy, discontentment, guys, and the shallow lies of the world. And it's time to make those thoughts go away. I've just let them sit there for so long, assuming that's just how it's going to be. It's not even a conscience act to think them anymore. They come so natural. But now it's time to get conscience. To pray for those thoughts to be removed. To clothe my mind in something holier because I've been trapped into believing that I have to live this way, but I don't. I'm called to something better. I'm called not only to have purity of heart and body, but purity of mind. God has saved and redeemed me. I have the power to be free. The power to renew my mind (Romans 12:2). I simply only have to ask.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)

Confessions of a Confessor...

Who am I? This is an interesting question. Many people try to answer it in so many ways. I've posted before on identity so for the sake of not rehashing I'm going to let you know this is not a blog of who am I, but rather Who am I hiding? What is keeping me in the darkness? Who is this person that I'm so terrified people will see? Because the truth is, I know who I am. I'm an actress, and a pretty darn good one at that. But who I am hiding entails knowing what I am enslaved by- those unconfessed sins we walk around utterly petrified someone will find out about. Those things which if we let fester rob us of our joy. They rob us of our true identity.

They are our idols, our addictions, our shame. They are lies. They are sins. They are condemnation. They are those thoughts in our heads which say, "You can't tell someone that you did that! They will judge you!" And some might. But what about grace? What about those who fall under and live by grace? There is no judgement here- only salvation. No slavery to keep yourself hidden so no one will know, but freedom. Such freedom in surrender!

I have experienced such freedom. Years and years of hiding sins under the table, months of thinking I was the only one who struggled has finally led me to confession. I am Rachel. I am not perfect. I've struggled with depression, self esteem issues, people pleasing, eating disorders, porn (yes, girls watch it too and I've found hope in discovering I was not the only girl in the room who did), idolatry, anger, jealousy, and discontentment in comparing myself to others. But I have found I have been lied to. Yes, you should always be wise in choosing who you confess to. Not everyone can be trusted. But this week I met other girls who have struggled with every single one of these same issues. And we have all come together and trusted. Friendships have been formed. We have all come together realizing we are under grace. And where I once feared being rejected and cast away, I now find unity with my fellow sisters in Christ. I find common ground. I find acceptance. I find an inexplicable joy. I find hope. I find peace. I find love. I find forgiveness. I find thoughts of "Why did I not do this sooner? I would have if I knew it'd make me feel this way!" My chains are gone. Who am I hiding? No one. All has been exposed in the light (Ephesians 5:13). Who am I? I am free!

"Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD'-- and You forgave the guilt of my sin." (Psalm 32:5)

Confessions of a Bad Patient...

Patient. That word can have numerous meanings. All of them seem to make you cringe. Whether it's knowing that you are going to have to wait fervently for something, or actually being a patient at a doctor's office, it is enough to make you shy away from ever purposefully going down that road. But it's funny how the two often coincide.

Enter my life. Over the past few weeks and continuing, I've learned quite a bit about patience. And ironically enough, it has come through being one. Being tested for multiple sclerosis and other neurological diseases tends to make you a little anxious. Not being able to feel the safety pin prick or touch my finger to the doctor's fingertip and back to my nose or walk heal to toe is frustrating. I should be able to do those things with no problem and I'm failing! And to be honest, sometimes its hard not to cry out to God and ask "Why? Why is this happening to me? Haven't I been through enough?" But its in these waiting rooms when I feel the most alone that I hear God speak, "You need me Rachel. I have not abandoned you. I am here. I am with you in this. Yes, you will have to endure some things. EMG tests are painful; brain MRI's are scary; the unknown and hospitals are terrifying. But I am God. You have nothing to fear." I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11. God does not plan harm for us. I must trust that somehow, even through all the blood tests, this will work out for my good.

And so here I stand. Going through one of the most difficult times in my life. And sometimes the fear is crippling. Sometimes I feel so alone. But God is still God. And despite all the chaos, there's perfect peace. "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day." (2 Timothy 1:12) And sometimes the hardest part is entrusting it. Because it means relinquishing the reigns- total surrender and letting go. But can I say, if I have learned anything these past couple of weeks, it's that it's worth it. I'm certainly not well enough equipped to handle it alone. Sometimes we all need to sit in a waiting room. That may be EXACTLY where God wants us."Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

Confessions of a Bad Student...

So, I'm being a bad student once again using facebook to procrastinate from studying, but I think this one will be excused. I don't really know how to start off this time, no funny little anecdotes came to mind, so I'm just going to jump right in.

I've had a big problem with surrender lately. Some things I've been surrendering too easily to, like alcohol and attention seeking. Others, I haven't surrendered enough or at all, like selflessness or God. Especially God. But I have a feeling thats very soon about to change.

I was having lunch with a good friend last week and as we often do, we were catching up on how things were going, not only personally, but spiritually. It was awesome! We were perfectly and completely honest with each other about where we stood with God. And I rememeber telling her how I was really struggling with God's will versus my will. I remember saying how I felt like there were things as a christian I should want (example: pursuing holiness, to love God more, and even a relationship with a guy who is on fire for God not just lukewarm), but things that to be honest I didn't necessarily have a desire for. I wanted to do it my way. I wanted who I wanted, whether or not I could do better. I was content being lukewarm myself. I told her that I felt like God was saying "Trust me" and I was saying "Screw you." I knew better. I knew that I should want better desires. I knew that God intends only good and He has the best plan for my life and I should follow and obey. But I didn't want to. I wanted to be stubborn and do things my own way even though I was fully aware they wouldn't work. I guess you could say I'd already seen the end before it began.

I knew all along it was a stupid and futile decision to fight against God. I knew He was right. The problem was never whether or not I agreed with God. It was whether or not I wanted to obey God. Anyway, back to the point. I told her I felt like this would soon come to an end though. I had this gut feeling that God and I were about to have a smack down, or rather a show out. I knew He wasn't going to let me get along too far without Him.

I went home that night and another friend had posted a blog about her surrender in the area of her love life. Coincidence? I think not. I read over her story and thought, "That's great! I wish I could learn to do that, but it will never happen." Sure I surrendered my life. I am saved, but my love life? Psh, forget it. Which brings me once again to being a bad student. In another attempt at failed procrastination I ended up watching a sermon I have on DVD from a pastor who had done a series on singlehood. One of the very first lines out of his mouth was "Single people are often willing to give everything to God except that thing He desires most- their heart and their love life. For some reason they think the God of the universe won't handle that one." Okay God, I can take a hint, I thought.

So I began praying. "God, honestly, I'm not striving for holy things. I'm not pursuing Your will, or your direction and advice. I don't really care to have it. I don't really want better desires even though I know I've settled for trashy, worldly ones. So God, teach me to have better desires. Teach me to desire a relationship with You again like I once did. Teach me to want to put you first." And while there's no definite physical proof- I haven't completely done a 180 and am now a whole new surrendered person in a week and this is just a lovely little story about my past- I do feel like God is starting something. Little by little, through little things and little interactions, I'm beginning to realize that it's gonna be okay. That those things that once were "No way God! What are you doing?! This is not how I wanted it to go!" are now "I still don't like this God, but somehow I can't feel too upset about it. Somehow there's peace."

It's a journey. A journey that's literally only just begun. This isn't a blog about the past. It's the blog about the present. The story is nowhere near finished. But little by little, chapters keep getting written. Even as I was driving home tonight I kept playing Sanctus Real's song "Whatever You're Doing." Every lyric rings true of my life right now. That song expresses my story better than I ever could. Check it:

"It's time for healing time to move on It's time to fix what's been broken too long Time to make right what has been wrong It's time to find my way to where I belong There's a wave that's crashing over me And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace It's hard to surrender to what I can't see but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone Time to begin again Re-evaluate who I really am Am I doing everything to follow Your will Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills So show me what it is You want from me I give everything I surrender to...

Time to face up Clean this old house Time to breathe in and let everything out That I've wanted to say for so many years Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me It feels like chaos but I believe You're up to something bigger than me Larger than life something Heavenly..."

John 4: 23-24, "But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”

Confessions of a Bad Banana...

This morning I was in a bit of a banana crazed mood. I know what you're thinking. Really Rachel? You're going to write a blog about bananas? Go with me on this. Anyway, after I had finished my banana nut muffin I decided to move on to the real thing. I was pleased to find my mom had just gone to the store and I beheld three seemingly perfectly ripe bananas. They had no bruises on the outside, no dark indentations either. Their skin was a perfect yellow. And they had that slight firmness to them. I couldn't have gone out to the backyard and picked better ones off the tree. Or so I thought.

Upon opening the first one I discovered the inside to be almost completely black. It was disgusted. I stood there in almost a state of shock. Not because I'd never seen a rotten banana before, but my brain didn't almost believe what my eyes were telling me. What looked so good and perfect on the outside was completely putrid on the inside. After opening two other bananas only to find the exact same thing I gave up. What a waste of a sixty-nine cents.

I never expected a banana would let me down like that, but I also never expected to learn such a spiritual analogy from it either. It made me think. How many times have I been just like this banana? I mean, I look good from the outside. I go to church every Sunday, I read my Bible, I write blogs, I live by the phrase "no wed, no bed" and while I enjoy an occasional drink, I never have more than 1 at a time. I don't do drugs, I stayed in school, all around I look pretty good on the outside. I'm religiously a'okay. But when you get to the heart is the same true? That one I'm not so sure about.

I've realized lately just how legalistic the church can be at times. And we get so caught up in it. I think that's why so many people fall away when they get to college. Because they were not grounded, secure in the relationship. Faith is not about following a set of rules. It's not just going through the motions. Jesus Christ did not come so we could simply follow His example on how to live a perfect life. He came to seek. He came to save (Luke 19:10). I don't want a religion. Even the pagans have that. I want a relationship. What sets Christ apart from any other "god" like Allah or Budda is that not only was He the only one to come back from the dead, but He's also the only one to offer grace. The only one to offer a relationship where it's not about what you do, it's about who you know. And once we realize this, it changes us. We're no longer bound by this self hatred of "I'm nothing but a dirty rotten sinner." No, I'm a redeemed, already bought and paid for, saint.

I don't want to be like the banana this morning. I don't want to put on a mask and a pretense of little miss perfect. Because that's not whats inside. Whats inside is a girl with issues. But also whats inside is a girl with issues who know's she's saved.

So what's left? Well, it's time to cut away the rotten parts of the banana. It's time for a change of heart. It's time to be true faced. It's time to let God have and mold the inside, not just the outward motions. It's time the inner and outer matched, imperfect, but under grace. It's time to have the light shine and expose the darkness. You can't serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). You can't hide under religion forever. It's a problem if people only know you're a Christian by your facebook. It's a problem if you kneel at the cross in prayer and you don't know who you're praying to.

Ephesians 5:8 "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light."

Confessions of a Sleepless Night...

I've had a lot of sleepless nights recently- cause still to be determined. I thought it was the stress of school, but school's been out for a while and I'm still tossing and turning or wide awake at 3 am. And so, it's on one of these sleepless nights that my mind is exceptionally active and I've had a few thoughts.

The first? Man, my legs really hurt. No more squats. Second? I'm hungry, I wish I had a piece of bread. Finally? Daydreams are pretty dangerous things actually. The third is how I spend most of these sleepless nights. To be completely honest, it's how I spend most of my days as well. I daydream about the future and as a self professed hopeless romantic, mostly about the man that might be in them.

This morning was no exception. I laid in bed mentally listing the qualities of "my perfect man":

-Momma's boy. Say what you will but you can telll a lot about a guy by the way he treats his momma

-Chivalrous. Guys that know how to treat and respect a lady are a rare jewel, but a blessing.

-Sweet. In touch with his sensitive side and not ashamed to admit it

-Musician. Someone who gets excited and loves music as much as I do, including country.

-Hopeless Romantic. Bring on the roses! I've always dreamed of cuddling with my husband in bed and he just sits up, grabs his guitar and starts playing "Angel" by Jack Johnson or "Sea Breeze" or "Looking at Her Face" by Tyrone Wells as I fall asleep. Told you I was a hopeless romantic!

-Manly Man. He enjoys wastching a good musical every now and then, but he also never fails to remind me that he is 100% of the XY chromosome. He's the protector, the rugged outdoorsman, the hiker, the sports lover, the brawny man.

-Handy Man. He knows what to do with a hammer and is perfectly capable of changing the oil in the car.

-Knows how to dress. Straight leg boot cut jeans. Peacoat. But looks pretty darn good in a cowboy hat when called to the occasion.

-Ambitious. Hard worker at everything he does. Has goals and hopes and aspirations.

-Provider. Makes sure his family's taken care of and not just with money.

-Good sense of humor. A marriage filled with laughter is the best kind.

-Caring. I'm accident prone. 'Nuff said.

-Beach lover. Its my life. Literally. Plus, who else better to enjoy a sunset with?

-Good smile. The kind that even reaches to his eyes. Those truly make me go weak at the knees.

And above all...

-Christian. He may have all these other qualities, but if I can't get on my knees and pray with him, our marriage will never be complete.

It was only after I had finished that I took a step back and began to wonder if such a man really existed. I mean, to be fair, in my daydreams I certainly accounted for some flaws, but still. So Mr. Wonderful, if you're reading this please make yourself known. Preferably sometime in the near future. But then it also hit me. These were my daydreams. They were my expectations. They were what I wanted. They were me telling God, "Hey God. I don't know and I don't really care who you've planned for my life, but if I can have any say, this is what I want." And I realized these daydreams were far more than just significant and pointless fantasies and time wasters. I realized they were even more than me being a control freak. They were a complete shortchange. They were a lack of trust in God to know whats best. And a tremendous lack of patience on my part to wait for it. God didn't give me these desires of the heart to have them wasted. He plans to fulfill them through Himself. All of my pushing and shoving to get that future reality now is just a waste of a good sleep. I mean seriously, what can I do about anything at 3 in the morning?

I don't know if I'll ever get married. But what I do know is that when I plan my perfect man, I take away any trust that God knows what He's doing. He knows my needs. If I'm supposed to be married, he's already crafted for me the perfect man. And God's pretty creative. Who He has made is going to be so far beyond the shallow things I can think of it's ridiculous! God's not going to leave me disappointed. One day I'll look at this list and think "that's it? That's all I wanted? Wow! I got so much more! And maybe he doesn't have ALL of these qualities, but there are some things I love about him I would never have thought to list. And they are so much better than anything I could ever dream up."

We daydream about love, about our careers, our friends, where we'll live, how many kids we'll have, and even what we'll look like. But what if instead of thinking about the unknown we focused on the known. God loves us. He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11). He knows whats best. No matter where our life takes us He will always be there, as our Perfect Man. Now that's a future worth daydreaming about.

Psalm 40:5 "Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare."