Confessions of an Exposed Rachel...

Most of the time I like to write uplifting yet challenging posts. I attempt (whether I actually succeed is up to you) to show my funny side in my writing. But before you read much further I'd like to warn you. This as a whole, is not a happy post. In fact, I have spent many hours debating whether or not to even post it. It's not going to make you laugh. It's not going to provide spiritual insight in a humorous and entertaining way. It's not going to make you think of me as the usually upbeat, genuinely happy and bubbly self that I normally am. But this will hopefully give you encouragement if you struggle with the same things I do and insight to my other side. The other side that says, "Hey, I bleed occasionally. I'm a real girl, with real struggles." Even as I write this now my hands are shaking because I haven't eaten hardly anything today. I'm almost afraid to. So, if you want to get to know the whole Ray Ray, keep reading, because this is me- raw and exposed.

I have titled this blog "A Thought on the Lies of the World and Testimony of God's Healing," because that's exactly what this story is about. You see, I'm a bookworm. And recently I was reading a book called "Captivating" (Highly recommend). One of the chapters dealt with wounds and overcoming them. I read on about how the way this woman's father treated her had affected her relationships. I read story after story of examples from other women how the wounds they had received as little girls affected them now, not just from fathers, but from mothers, friends, classmates ect. And to be honest, at first I didn't think it related. I have great friends and family. At first I was a little annoyed with it actually. I thought, "she's opening a doorway for people to dig up or even potentially create problems were there are none." It reminded me of that whole spiel that we always hear about where someone goes to a shrink and the parents are ALWAYS to blame.

But then when I finished, I took some time to think. I never much payed any attention to my wounds. They never seemed big enough to deal with. Sure I didn't have the highest self esteem and confidence level. I still have achne. I still have a terrible fear of talking to guys my own age (something which by the grace of God I have come a long way on this past schoolyear and relates back to the confidence thing) Yeah, maybe sometimes I don't like the way I look. But these weren't big things. They were just stuff that normal twenty year olds dealt with. And I was working through them, so why was "the source" so important? And that's when it hit me. Because the source was a lie. It was a lie that Satan had used to attack my heart over and over and over again. And I didn't recognize that until I gave credit to what had initially caused all this.

What I realized is, Satan knows my weakness. He knows directly where to throw the spear. He has had an outright attack on my beauty and my self esteem since before I even realized what it was. Because here's the truth. From the time I can remember, boys my own age have been making fun of the way I look. Since fourth grade I have gotten every fat girl joke, every you're so ugly joke known to man. You name it, I've dealt with it. Anywhere from the fake valentine grahams saying "Hey baby you're so hot, will you be my girlfriend. Love your secret admirer" and being laughed at when I actualy thought they were serious, to random guys just outright messaging me on myspace or facebook and telling me that I was the ugliest person they'd ever seen. I had no idea who they were. There was no rhyme or reason behind it. And this didn't just happen once, but year after year. In fact my most recent message came just a few weeks ago. And after a while it got to me. After a while of constantly being bombarded with these lies and not finding any guy who would stand up and contradict them I began to believe they were true. And I realized that’s why I'm afraid of men. That's why the minute one walks into the room I want to run in the opposite direction. Most guys just think I'm being standoffish, but the truth is I'm terrified and want to get out before they say anything because I worry they'll repeat history. Author Stasi Eldredge puts it perfectly when she says "A woman who is living a self-protective life is a woman who is living out of a broken, wounded heart." Which is why as a side note I challenge any guy reading this. Be careful what you say to even just your gal pals. You never know how much power your words have. And if you think a girl is beautiful, tell her.

I don't say this next thing to make you feel sorry for me, but I have never once had a guy my age tell me that I'm beautiful. But my point is, is that now even if one did, I don't think I'd believe him. You see, I've let these lies rule my life so much, that now even when good things come along I almost don't trust that they're good. I blew these wounds off as nothing but stupid memories and instead have caused them to fester. My friends, please do not follow down this road. It is extremely dangerous and very hard to come back from. If you know something is hurting you, address it now. Don't let the infection spread. Because here is the hope. You can come back from it. God does heal.

I'm in recovery. And the first step as part of that recovery is recognizing that these things I once called truths are just the opposite. They are nothing but evil, an attack on the truth. I piss Satan off, and these ugly messages are nothing more than his way to try to get back at me. And he's tactful. He goes right to my wellspring of life- my heart (Prov. 4:23) Which is why that verse also warns to guard your heart. You may not struggle with beauty issues, but you struggle with something. I challenge you to be on your upmost guard, alert at all times because satan is on the move. I can't put it any better than 1 Peter 5:8 "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

Part of knowing that they're lies is recognizing the truth. And the truth is that I make Satan angry because I am God's Girl. And he hates that. God calls me His own and reconciles me to Himself. God has saved me and paid the ultimate price of His Son's life because He loves me so much. God calls me His beautiful masterpiece, the prize and crown of His creation. That's the truth of my beauty. That's what I cling to when I'm not so happy looking in the mirror. And anything said or any doubt I have against that is a bold-faced lie. The end. Period. No if and's or butts.

The last step is to forgive and let God heal you. He wants you. His truth will set you free (John 8:32). He will do everything it takes to make that happen. But you have to let go of it. Trust me, He can take it. This is were I am now. And it's a long journey, a journey I've honestly only just begun, and I journey I sometimes have to restart because I go off and try to handle things on my own. But I know I will get there because God has already proven Himself faithful to me numerous times before.

I hope you found this post hopeful. I hope it gives you strength to share your struggles with others and encourage them. I know just in the few people I have already shared these thoughts with, I have found tremendous strength and comfort. Because I'm fortunate enough that I'm not alone in this. A good majority of my girl friends struggle with the exact same thing. But even if you don't share, I hope most importantly that you learn to recognize a lie for a lie. And I hope that you learn to run to God not as a last resort as we so often do, but the minute things go bad. And trust me, we live in a fallen world. Even if you've had no struggles thus far, don't worry, you will.

I'd like to leave you with this final thought. It is Stasi Eldredge's lamen's terms paraphrase of Isaiah 61:1-3 and I absolutely love it: "God has sent me on a mission. I have some good news for you. God has sent me to restore and release something. And that something is you. I am here to give you back your heart and set you free. I am furious at the enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him. Let me comfort you. For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upn you where you have only known devestation. Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow. And I will robe your heart in thankful praise in exchange for your resignation and despair."