Here's something I've realized lately folks, God knows what He's doing. And yes, you may say "Well, duh!" but have you ever sat back and contemplated exactly what that entails? I was given the chance to do so recently and I have to say my mind is somewhat blown. For my quiet time this morning I was reading the story of Samson's mother. (Judges 13:1-24) Now, we all know the story of Samson- the strong guy who had really bad taste in women. We can all relate to him (I miss my long hair too- no just kidding). But what of his mother? She's not even named, yet I am absolutely in love with her story.
Here's why I love her story. Because its ends with her being left in awe of God's perfect timing. God was so good to her, she almost couldn't believe it. So to give you the just of her life, she's barren. And this really depressed her. For some reason, God had not yet entrusted her with raising a child. And it was beyond understanding. Now, I've never desperately longed to be a mother- at least right now-, but I imagine that if I really wanted one and couldn't have one I'd start to think, "What's wrong with me? Would I really be that bad of a mother?" It's this "What's wrong with me?" question that we've all asked ourselves at some point. "What's wrong with me? Am I really not beautiful enough to be pursued? Am I not smart enough to succeed? Am I not talented enough? Why did this horrible thing happen? " These questions come in many shapes and forms and sometimes leave you feeling not so good. I'm sure Samson's mom shed quite a few tears- some angry of just "God I do not understand why!" and some more woeful.
I point out here that this battle went on for years. It wasn't just a month or two, but many many years. She was weary, tired of feeling that way. I identify. There's a line in the song "Beautiful" by Bethany Dillion that says, "Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention. I thought I could be strong, but it's killing me....." Honestly, that was me. And I got so tired of it. I was convinced I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. And yes, I know what you're thinking, "Rachel, You're 20. Stop being so dramatic." And yeah, I agree. I'm saying that now too. But I've realized now, this struggle has to last for a while. It's the only way we learn perserverance and patience. If it was a quicky issue with a quicky fix, you wouldn't build any character.
Anyway, back to the story. Finally a man comes and he tells Samson's mom that she's going to have a child and it's the best news of her life. It's beyond understanding! Not only that, but that this child is going to be "set apart to God from birth, and he will be the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines" (Judges 13:5). Holy snickerdoodles! When God blesses, He delivers abundantly. And it was at this moment that all the tears and heartache turned into cries of sheer joy. It was all totally worth the wait.
So, she runs to her husband and he can't really believe it either. I mean seriously, how would you explain that? "Well, honey, you see this random guy- I think he was from God- came up and said we're gonna have a kid. And he's pretty much going to kick butt." Thankfully the man appears again and this time her husband, Manoah, is there to talk to him. "Manoah said to the angel of the LORD, 'We would like you to stay until we prepare a young goat for you.' The angel of the LORD replied, 'Even though you detain me, I will not eat any of your food. But if you prepare a burnt offering, offer it to the LORD.' (Manoah did not realize that it was the angel of the LORD.) Then Manoah inquired of the angel of the LORD, 'What is your name, so that we may honor you when your word comes true?' He replied, 'Why do you ask my name? It is beyond understanding.'" (vs 15-18).
Yes, it was all, as it's supposed to be, beyond understanding. And this my friends, leaves me earnestly excited for the future. Because I'm finally seeing in my life where God's perfect timing is coming through and how if things had gone the way I wanted, well, they wouldn't have turned out so well. I wanted to go to college in Hawaii- university of Manoa to be exact. And I'd gotten in! Nothing was going to stand in my way. Nothing, except a little thing we like to call money. When I learned I couldn't go I was devastated. I simply did not understand. Flash forward and I'm starting my third year at CSULB. I get it now! I know why I couldn't go to Hawaii. God knew what was best. He knew I'd be so much better off in Long Beach! Joining the christian club Navigators has changed my life forever. I've made lasting friendships that have truly been a blessing. I don't know seriously were I would be without some of those people. And not just with navs, but also with my classmates and suitemates. I've been able to minister to them and have them minister to me. I'm also only a three hour drive away from home, which has been pretty handy whenever I just need to get away for the weekend.
I also wanted to get married right out of high school (I wasn't the smartest crayon in the box back then). It kind of makes me laugh now, because I was so upset that I wasn't. But you know what? I'm glad I didn't. Because I was caught up in the whole idea of romantic bliss. But lately I've been realizing that reality is a hard blow. Yeah, sure, it'd be nice to have someone to cuddle with. Someone to be there for those kisses. Someone special to care for. But that's all I really want right now, and it can be satisfied in a boyfriend. A husband comes with bills, and a house to clean, and having to figure out what to make for dinner every single night. Plus double the laundry. And yeah you get some perks too- like someone who understands you more intimately than anyone else, like living with your best friend, and to be blunt, sex- but I can't imagine trying to manage a household right now. I'm just trying to pass Physics! That's enough stress! And God knew that. So even when I laid there crying, "God, why can't I get married too?" He already knew what was best for me.
The same is true now. I don't have a boyfriend. Would I like one?, Yes. Are there still those nights that get pretty lonely? Yes. It still makes me blue that I'm almost 21 and never been kissed. But during this time of singleness, I'm learning more about myself. I'm discovering who I am- as a person, as part of God's creation, and as a purpose. And I needed to do that. I also needed to have my eyes opened past just the whole hopeless romantic view of relationships that I got trapped in. I needed to realize how much power they really give you over other people's emotions. I needed to start going deeper than just skin deep. So while I'm not always the most content with my singleness, I am the more wiser because of it. And God already knew that too. And I'm not done growing yet. I mean seriously, I finally concluded that after trying to eat beets on my salad over the past year they still taste like dirt. I'm giving up. They will never taste good. Okay, I don't like beets. Check. One more thing I've learned. So many more to go.
People always say, "You just need to trust God." And yeah, easier said than done. But I say, "You just need to understand that God knows what He's doing." It's still easier said than done, but once you get it, it makes it so much easier to trust Him. God's not dumb. He really does know whats best for me. And if he ever does decide to bless me with a husband or even a boyfriend, it will be abundantly. Just like with Samson's mom. She had no idea what was in store for her all those nights she prayed for a child. And then boom, she got one amazing kid! And what was her response once she finally realized all she was being blessed with? "As the flame blazed up from the altar toward heaven, the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame. Seeing this, Manoah and his wife fell with their faces to the ground."(vs 20) So I'm excited to see who God has planned for me to love. Because in God's perfect timing, it will be face-plant worthy. Whether it be a husband, or just my friends if I'm not meant to be married. Because if I'm single for the rest of my life, there's a purpose behind it. God does not say "Whoops! My bad!" So folks, I think I'll be okay. :D
I look forward to the day when I get to stand and see all He has done in this area and say, "Wow! It's beyond understanding..."
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:9
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