Confessions of a Thomas...

Here's my problem as of late. I'm kicking myself really hard right now for this one. Who let me take Biology, Chemistry, and Calculus together? Life is pretty stressful to say the least. I'm exhausted, I've sold my soul to the campus bookstore, and my classes are all "high risk." All of these stresses create one major problem: doubt.

I find myself sitting in class asking myself three things 1) What on earth was I thinking? 2) Can I pass them? and 3)It's only going to get harder. Can I be a marine bio major? Should I change? But then of course reasoning takes over. No, of course I will not change. I love marine biology. And if I changed my major, it would only be to not have to take the classes. But I'd want to be an Occupational Therapist. I'd be taking the same classes! No matter what careers I consider, I'd still be stuck where I am now!

But all my doubts are erased when I remember that I am not alone in this. I have quite a few friends in all of these classes to help me through, and I'd be ignorant if I didn't think they were there on purpose. God is working it all out, right there by my side. And as long as I'm not lazy, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13). And sometimes we don't feel that God is there. But here's the cool thing, God is not limited to our feelings.

John 20:25 says, "So the other disciples told him, 'We have seen the Lord!' But he [Thomas] said to them, 'Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.'" I tend to do this too. I think of my future and say "I doubt I will get married." When friends ask why I simply reply, "Because I've had no evidence to the contrary." Something that has struck me hard recently is that when I say this I am absolutely no different from Thomas. Thomas said "Unless I see." When I say there is no evidence what I really mean is, "unless I see God bringing someone into my life I'm not going to believe He will." This my friends, demands confession.

Thomas learned this lesson the hard way too when Jesus appeared before His disciples again: "A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.' Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!'"(John 20:26-28).

Thomas' response is the only response. Sometimes we forget who God is. Sometimes we forget that He is Omniscient, Omnipotent, and Omnipresent. But once He reveals Himself to us we cry out "My Lord and my God!" Thomas didn't turn away in shame, like I sometimes find myself wanting to do when I realize what I've just done. Rather, he turned to Christ and confessed his faith. Faith is the only response to doubt. "For faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)

Paul says, "We live by faith, not by sight." (2 Corinthians 5:7) If I could see my future I wouldn't need God to direct me to it. If I could see the solution to my problems, I wouldn't need God to comfort me through them. If I could see, then I wouldn't need faith. But I need faith. We live by faith.

Forgive me Lord, for my doubts. For sometimes forgetting who You are.

"Will I believe you when you say Your hand will guide my every way? Will I receive the words You say every moment of every day? Well I will walk by faith even when I cannot see. Because this broken road prepares Your will for me."