Confessions of an Embarrassed Confessor...

I am a lover of all things music. Including rap, which I swear is how I learned to spell. Here's the confession, as embarrassing as it is, "Cyclone" is my pump up song. When I'm driving down the road at 4 in the morning, it is the only thing that can make this zombie come alive. Well, that and coffee. I thoroughly enjoy giving private karaoke performances on my fireplace and having private dance parties. You would think my realization of the fact that I can't sing would stop this, but it doesn't. Yes, it's true. There are few things I enjoy more than just letting loose. So most of the time, that's what I blast in the car. But today the most amazing thing happened.

Before going to the movies with a friend I stopped by to visit my grandmother's grave. It had been a while since I'd been there and I knew I wanted to get there before school started. Well, as you can imagine I wasn't feeling the happiest afterward. Going to a mortuary has that affect; it makes you think of everyone you know that has died recently, not just the one you were there to visit. So when "Rude Boy," another song I normally break out too, came on, I just turned the channel. Just didn't feel it at that moment. I was trying to hard not to cry, smear the make-up, and look like the bride of Chuckie. Well, unbeknownst to me I switched it to preset 3 which is 88.3 a local Christian station. And this my friends, is where the bafflement comes in.

Check out 88.3's playlist: "He is With You" By Madisa, "I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp, and "Praise You in This Storm," by Casting Crowns. It was like a power of God speaking attack ha ha. If you've ever heard these songs you know what I'm talking about. After the first I was nearly in tears. After Jeremy Camp, all hope was lost. I pulled over and here's another embarrassing confession, just balled. So much for the make-up.

And now, I sit here in the parking lot writing the rough draft of this on the back of my resume'. I'm completely in awe of how powerful He is when God speaks. Here are the lines that touched me:

1. "He is with you when your faith is dead And you can't even get out of bed....And your house is still and your heart's a stone Cryin' God, what'd you do that for? He is with you."

2. "Yes he is with you when you've given up On ever finding your true love. Someone who feels like home. He is with you When nothing else is left And you take your final breath He is with you"

3."Scattered words and empty thoughts Seem to pour from my heart I've never felt so torn before Seems I don't know where to start But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain From every fingertip washing away my pain I still believe in your faithfulness I still believe in your truth I still believe in your holy word Even when I don't see, I still believe."

4. "Well the only place I can go is into your arms Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness. I can see that this was your will for me Help me to know that you are near."

4. "I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining (Whoa, what better way to describe it!) as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm."

WOW! Yeah, it was like "Okay, that's not funny God!" Instantly I regretted ever wasting time on listening to Usher or anyone else. God knew, just what I needed. And He spoke as He often does to me, though lyrics. So I sat there just completely baffled for the longest time. There were no words. That's another lesson I've realized lately. I've found myself completely speechless. Because God knows my needs better than I do. But then I think its good to occasionally be left speechless, because then you're the most vulnerable to listen. Some of the verses and songs speak better the words of my angst than I ever could. Romans 8:26, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

Moses glimpsed this power that overcomes you, when God speaks. In Exodus three he experienced the burning bush. "When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!" And Moses said, "Here I am." "Do not come any closer," God said. "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground." (Exodus 3:4-5). God didn't speak to Moses until He has Moses' attention, which came via the bush. And I'm not one to say you have to listen to Christian music and only Christian music 24/7, not at all. But I began to wonder (if you read my blogs you find I do that a lot), in just 20 minutes, God used those songs to reveal so much of His truth to me. How much more would I get if I put away the country cd's, or the Breaking Benjamin, or the Sick puppies? Exodus 4:6 tells us that after God was done speaking Moses hid his face. He realized he was too unworthy to even come close to standing and gazing at the splendor of God. He realized he was so sinful, and his shame embarrassed him. Glad to know I'm not the only embarrassed confessor.

The good news, God is not limited to song. And He still gets to me plenty of other ways- believe me! But listening to those songs was a blessing. And I think I've missed out on some of those blessings. I mean come on, what do you get from Usher? ha ha. Perhaps a good dance party, but that's about it. And God's got ya covered there too. Psalm 30:11 "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."

So realizing all of this, I can't help but laugh when the radio DJ comes on the air and says, "People ask us all the time, how do we know to play songs that deal with what they are going through? My only response is, we don't. It's a God thing."

You're right DJ. It's most definitely a God thing.

"I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see, because this broken road prepares Your will for me..."

Confessions of a Cracked Heart...

A lesson I learned recently from a friend. Time to play Dr. Laura for a sec. Just gonna give some thoughts. You know why I think girls get so devastated when they find their crush in another woman's arms? Wait, isn't there a country music song about this? Anyway, here's why. Because its all in vain. The hours styling the hair, the perfection of the make-up, the witty sayings, the dreams, meaningless. Because the only reason you do those things is for one motive and one motive only- him. That's right. Mr. Object of Your Affection for the Current School Year. You post facebook statuses praying he'll see them. You make sure the only time the two of you interact is when you're at your most creative and witty self. He's the motivation for the way your mood swings when you talk to him. The reason for the tear drops on your guitar. That's right, I just whipped in Taylor Swift. What are you gonna do? And that's why it hurts so bad when he chooses another. Because it was all in vain. It's like Ezekial said, "Everything is meaningless!" All your self asserted glory? Useless.

But here's what God has slapped me with. What do you expect? If you don't have the right motivation for doing the things you do, why are you so surprised when they fail?

So many times I forget that God doesn't owe us anything. Just because you wear a purity ring does not mean that God owes you a husband. Why should you be rewarded for doing the things you were supposed to be doing regardless? This calls for a self-examination.

So many times we say, "I don't care why you did it, just that you did it." But I put a challenge to this. I think the "why" is just as important as the "what," Because the "why" reflects who you really are. The motivation behind reflects who you truly worship.

So, when I look at my motivation, I realize one important truth. I have not been worshiping and following as good as I thought. My motivation as of late, or as what seems like a good portion of the time? Self. The motivation I should have? Love. "If you love me, you will obey what I command." John 14:15. And what motivates you is what compels you. Are we compelled to do the will of God?

But if you think you are alone in this, you are sorely mistaken. The disciples struggled with the same thing. That's why they would get in debates with each other over who was the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. (Matthew 18:1). Now the Bible doesn't say, but I get the feeling this might have been the motive behind some of the things they said and did. They wanted to be named number one. But Jesus pointed to the humble child. Humility includes love and obedience. Love, faith, and obedience are the call of a servant. Jesus was a servant. And because of that, He obediently went to the cross- the highest demonstration of love. Romans 5:19 "For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous."

How would my actions change if my sole purpose for doing them was to be a servant of Christ?

Confessions of a Failed Pity Party...

So, basically I write this to tell you all, I just got my butt lovingly kicked by God, again ha ha. It never ceases to amaze me that I never cease to forget that He is Sovereign. You would think I would have learned by now. Well anyway, this probably makes no sense until you know the story.

These past few weeks I have literally had my heart torn in half. I am torn about what to do next summer, whether it be Sea World camp counselor, or back to the Dominican Republic. It is something that I have spent hours praying over. And I feel like I have gotten an answer from God, but He hasn't quite revealed which way to go yet. Because He's opened doors on both sides.

First comes the Dominican Republic. The other day I was down in Long Beach for a job interview and I met up with my friend Lauren. We got talking and somehow ended up talking about my last visit to the D.R. (that's missionary lingo for the Dominican Republic). Anyway, talking to her only made me miss it all the more and re-awakened the desire to go back. And to be honest the only reason the desire had dwindled was because I was a little afraid of going back alone since the two times before I had been with a team from school. I was worried about finances, traveling alone, meeting new people, ect. But then Lauren told me that it made her heart ache and expressed a desire to possibly go. And I was like, "Wow. Maybe God is working something here!" But wait, there's more. So I got home and told one of my best friend's Liz what all happened and she responds, "Oh yeah. I miss it too. I'm actually seriously thinking about leading a team there next year." Can someone say door number 1?

But then, there's Sea World. And after being there a few days this summer I was so excited to possibly be a camp counselor. It would once again be a chance to channel my former cheerleader self. And I feel like God is working some things there too. Being able volunteer in the marine lab is giving me a bigger chance to be hired, because it shows them that I am actually interested in taking care of the animals, which you also help do. And I love working with kids! But I was just beginning to doubt that maybe it could wait when vbs week happened. And then I also helped my mom out in the nursery. I had quite a few people tell me, "Hey. you're really good with kids!" One even asked if I wanted to go to camp with the youth as a counselor. So once again I was like, "Hmmm. Is this a sign? Door number 2?"

So, with these two options I am left indecisive. I literally feel like my heart is being torn in two between my two passions. And just when I was content to be frustrated and mope in my little pity party, God comes along. And He not so subtly reminds me that He is Sovereign. And He reminds me that He knows my future. And as I'm laughing I'm like "Dang it God! Why couldn't you just let me have this one?" and He's like "Duh, cuz I'm God! I know best and you're not ready to know yet. You need a little more patience."

So I open my Bible and I start reading Proverbs 16. This is how I know He has a sense of humor. It's not the first time I've read it, but before it's always been like "Oh that's nice," and then I've moved on. Not this time! God grabs a hold of me and convicts me like no other. Proverbs 16:9, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Jimminy Crickets...

Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic (Part 2)...

This morning I cranked up the music, and the first song to come on? "Somebody to Love" I hear that! Tonight my fortune cookie says, "An admirer is concealing his affection for you." Well, dear admirer, I wish you would just confess. I find myself saying, "I'm tired of being single. I grow impatient with the thought. Am I doomed to sleep next to an empty space in the bed forever?"

But then God comes along and breaks my heart. He sends sermons on being single and I realize, I've been treating singlehood as a curse, but it's actually a huge blessing. If you only knew how long it took to realize that.

It is not wrong to desire for affection, affirmation, or attention. But the problem comes when you get desperate. And the only reason we are so desperate is because our needs are not met fast enough or how we want. Desperation is only a result of impatience. But we forget that God knows best. He knows what we need even before we do. And He's faithful. He's not cruel. He's not going to give you a desire if He has no intention of filling it. So many times we try to fit God into meeting our desires. But He doesn't work that way.

Because here's the thing. Everyone at some point in their life is single. And it's not without purpose. Because when you're single, you have the time and ability to do the things of God that people in a relationship simply can't just drop and do. God says, "Hey Rachel. I want you to go spend the summer in the Dominican Republic." Alright God. I'll go. There's no spouse to talk to about it. No kids to leave behind. Just me and God and the Dominican Republic. There is no boyfriend to distract me from what I'm doing. No boyfriend to miss. I'm a much better servant, knowing my heart isn't divided.

Now, this isn't to say that we should all stay single for the rest of our lives. However some are called to it. But it is to say that's why everyone is single for at least a season. There is a time and a place for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1) As Pastor Russ pointed out, being single is a blessing God gives people to fully devote themselves to Him. And until you are fully surrendered, you cannot hope to be successful in your marriage. Because marriage magnifies selfishness. If you're not ready to fully give yourself to God then you can't possibly devote yourself to a spouse.

And maybe you were like me. Maybe you have given up on love. Not say that love doesn't exist, you just don't think you'll ever find it. How many times have I said these words? I honestly couldn't tell you. But I thoroughly believed them for a long time as depressing as it is. And I know what you're saying "Rachel, you're only 19. Get real." Guess what? I'm saying it now too. Because here's another point that Russ showed us. Adam kind of felt the same way. God brought before him male and female of every animal and had Adam name them! Who knows how long that took! But Adam could find "no suitable helper" (Genesis 2:19) But then God crafted Eve. And she was made specifically for him. "Bone of my bone. Flesh of my flesh" (Genesis 2:23)

And that in there lies my problem. I have removed God from my love life. I've picked and listed certain qualities that I want in a man, and when one comes close I fall for him, never actually even getting close to dating. But I'm being sooo stupid! Because I'm trying to be in a relationship with someone that wasn't specifically crafted for me. And as much as it pains me to admit, I haven't found him yet. Because when you try and take it into your own hands it's extremely frustrating.

But here's the thing, if God just gave us someone without us waiting for it, we would never appreciate it. We wouldn't view it as a gift. So I think it's time for Rachel's Random Analogy of the day: Finding a spouse is like finding a diamond in the sand. It takes a lot of time and patience. And you have to have some direction (from God) or you will never find it. But once you do it is the most pure and genuine love you could imagine. Because the sand (God's hand) has crafted him and molded him to fit you perfectly. And then you have truly found your "diamond in the rough." And it is permanent because God's hand is all over it! "...Therefore, what GOD has joined together, let no man separate." (Mark 10:7) Finding a spouse is NOT your job. And that is why it is so sacred. That is why it is so Holy. Because it is the work of an Almighty God!

No matter where you're at, God has someone specifically crafted for you. And if He calls you to be single for life, He will take away the desire and show you what to desire after. So don't worry about your dating life. Because you're Father is saving you baggage that you're just begging to carry. Be atuned to His voice. It's hard to wait. I'm still going to struggle with it. But I look forward to the day when God either tells me I'm going to be single for forever (like Mother Theresa- which admit it, she had a pretty darn good life), or He says, "Pssst. Hey Rachel. That's him. He's perfectly crafted just for you. Aren't I good? Way better than any guy you could have ever possibly found for yourself, or worse, had your friends find. Yep, that's the one. He's not meant for anybody else. All yours, as a testament to how good I am. To how much I have blessed you. Go get 'im tiger!"

And if you are married or in a relationship, cherish that person. Because aside from your salvation, they are the most precious gift you could ever receive. But for my fellow single prowlers remember, being single is not a curse, but rather a blessing. Use it! Because like Russ also said, it's ultimately about ending up with Christ anyway. The entire point of this life, is to be with Jesus.

Confessions of a Perplexed Person...

Being away for the summer has given me a sense of nostalgia for my home in Long Beach. And as I sit here in the one hundred and ten degree heat I am reminded of one of the most random things i came across while at school. One day, in my hour and a half break between classes I was on my way to the library when I passed the strangest thing. Upon hearing blaring music (the song- Break you Heart by Taio Cruz) I turned around to see a man standing in a leopard loin cloth and sneakers with a boom box on his shoulders dancing. At first the sight was quite atrocious, but then I realized hey, it's college.

After talking to some of my other friends on campus, we had many speculations about what this man could have been doing. Some thought he was on drugs, others that he was pledging for a fraternity. But no one really seemed to know.

A few days later I was walking with a friend of mine when we saw the same boy. I said, "Oh, he's back. I wonder how much they paid him to do that." Now, being the shyer gal that I am I was perfectly content to leave the question rhetorical, but not Linda. Nope, she walked right on up to him and asked, "Why? Just....why?" We actually found out that the reason was for a psychology experiment. They were studying and recording different people's reactions. All of a sudden it didn't seem so far fetched anymore.

And as I was reminiscing this story the thought occurred to me- we do not always know what God is doing. And sometimes the things He does seem rather strange to us. Sometimes they make us rather uncomfortable. But after we go through them we finally get clued in. And we realize far too late that God knew exactly what He was doing.

John Cannon puts it better than I ever could. He says, "Rarely does God do something exactly as we think He will. Our problem is that we try to second-guess God, saying, “Oh, now I know what God is planning to do!” Moses experienced this as he learned how God was going to deliver the Hebrews out of Egypt. God told him He would harden Pharaoh's heart. Yet, the result was not what Moses anticipated. Rather than allowing the Hebrews to leave, Pharaoh increased their hardship. Rather than becoming a hero among the Hebrews, Moses was despised by them for bringing greater suffering. Moses returned to the Lord and asked, “Lord, why have You brought trouble on this people? Why is it You have sent me?”(Exod. 5:22).

"Much of the frustration we experience as Christians has nothing to do with what God does or doesn't do. It has everything to do, rather, with the false assumptions we make about how we think God will and should act.

"It is foolish to attempt to do God's work using your own “common sense.” God does not eliminate your common sense, He consecrates it. He gives you His wisdom so you can understand His ways.

"As you look back on God's activity in your life, you will recognize the supreme wisdom in how He has led you. As you look forward to what God may do, be careful you do not try to predict what He will do next. You may find yourself completely off the mark."

So many times we look at God like He's crazy. How insulting to a Majestic God! "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"-Isaiah 55:8-9. What would happen if we never questioned, just stepped out in faith? I'll tell you one thing, we might have the courage to dance in nothing but a loin cloth and sneakers if it's what God wanted, no matter how crazy it may sound.

Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Confessions of a Random Ranter...

Ok, so I don't know why, but this whole thing kind of came up in a late night convo I had with one of my best friends. So I'm just going to share it.

Men, on behalf of some of your sisters in Christ, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that women sometimes purposefully dress the way we do to make you stumble because we like the power it gives us.
I'm sorry that we manipulate your weakness for our selfish gain.
I'm sorry we have "hate on men" parties (and yes we really do) and songs like "If I were a boy," and yet get mad when songs that certain male singers sing, disrespect us.
I'm sorry that we think just because you're not run by your feelings, you don't have them.
I'm sorry we say things like "Look at my eyes, not my chest" and yet we lust after you.
I'm sorry that we demand you see our inner beauty first, but like hypocrites we neglect yours and discuss and "rate" you on your outward appearance.

Which leads me to what this blog is really about-beauty. Proverbs 31:30, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Why does the world have so much emphasize on beauty? Let me weigh in on this.

There are three things you can focus on in this verse. Charm, beauty, and fearing the Lord. The world is not as stupid sometimes as it leads you to believe. I know, it's shocking to me too. They know that charm is deceptive. They know a playa when they see one. So, charm is out as a main focal point.

That leaves beauty and fearing the Lord. Well, it's obvious that they don't fear the Lord. Half of them don't even believe there is a God. So, all that's left is beauty. And thus, it becomes the main focal point. How sad, when you take away the fear of the Lord, beauty is all that you're left with. And yet it's what we strive for! It's what we tear our self-esteem up over. And it doesn't even last.

So let's get started on true beauty. Because true beauty isn't outward. True beauty, can only be judged by the one who sees your heart- God. True beauty is genuine. True beauty is selfless in contrast to outward beauty, which is all about the way I look, and how beautiful or sexy I feel. True beauty cannot be used for manipulation.

Our girl's Tuesday night Bible study leader, Miss Sarah Beeber, pointed out an interesting detail on this. She talked about Esther. Esther was labeled the "fairest in the land", the most beautiful. That's why the king picked her. But yet, to save her people she didn't use it. She approached him with respect and honor. She gave a banquest and used her words to win over the king, not her looks. She could have manipulated the king, using her rackish charm to save her people, but instead she used wisdom, patience and understanding through her words.

Most of the time, when I think of beauty, I automatically think of someone’s outer beauty. How they dress, what their hair looks like, what type of make-up they wear, their shoes, etc. I have to admit that inner beauty is thought about and talked about a lot less....at least for me.

I have to make a conscious effort to focus on my inner beauty. It’s a lot easier for me to look in the mirror and know that I need to wash my hair than it is to look inside myself and see where I need to grow emotionally or spiritually. But, when I take the time to do so and thus connect with God, it shows! I am more fun to be around and have more joy that naturally just shines through my personality. I also believe that your inner beauty can shine through the abilities, gifts and talents God has given you.

It is not wrong to be outwardly beautiful. In fact it only reflects the creativity and splendor of your maker. But it's not the most important, and if it's as deep as you get, you're short changing yourself. So it's something I'm working on. Because lately, I've been so focused on making my outward appearance better, that it has become almost an obsession. I'm obsess with make-up, clothes,hair, and shoes. And it doesn't just stop with me. It reflects the way you view others. For instance, I have developed a fetish for guy's jeans. Literally, the straight, bootcut jeans kind of turn me on. And if you wear skinny jeans, pfft, forget it! But aside from the funny stuff, I envy girls a lot more, and there's a good percentage that's due to the way they look. How many possible friendships of truly genuinely beautiful girls have I eliminated because I envy them?

The world's outer beauty costs me time to get ready in the morning and to go shopping. It costs me money for make-up, clothes, etc. It fades with time. It's common - fairly easy to obtain, there is always someone more attractive than me. The focus is on myself - selfish. Others may envy me and feel inferior. Vanity is a sin (Jeremiah 4:30, " And you, O desolate one, what do you mean that you dress in scarlet, that you adorn yourself with ornaments of gold, that you enlarge your eyes with paint? In vain you beautify yourself. Your lovers despise you; they seek your life.) It's easy to trust in my beauty instead of God. It draws the attention of men and feeds into my other struggles. It also never satisfies (broken cup) "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again" (John 4:13-14)

Inner beauty costs me time to spend with God. Costs nothing financially but will possibly cost me the approval of the world. It is unfading. It is rare. It's focus is on God. Others are drawn to me. It completely satisfies- a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

So go ahead, be a model. Be a spokesperson for beauty, but for true beauty. But make sure what you really seek and speak of is true beauty. Because God already sees you as His beautiful creation, the outward part is already covered. What He cares most about, is your heart- the character of who you'll be after you have forty-thousand wrinkles on your face.

Confessions of a Storyteller...

Alright folks. Grab your popcorn and your date- or snack of your choice. Slide into your preferred seat for comfort and hold on because this puppy is going to be a bit long. Why? Because I'm going to share one of my favorite Bible stories with y'all.

I love the story of Job, but not so much the part of the beginning. And until recently, that was the only part I knew. But have you ever read the ending of Job? Holy cow! It's phenomenal! So, here comes a brief synopsis.

You all probably know the beginning of Job. To make a long story short he basically looses everything he has, but still refuses to deny God. Even his own wife is like "Curse God and just die." But still, he refuses. All of these people he meets try to tell him its because he sinned. Then, this guy Bildad comes along (that was his first mistake, seeking council from a guy named Bildad) and is like "Why try being righteous? You never will be!"

Job is somewhat stubborn, but in a good way. More like a rebel-I like that about him. He replies, "as long as I have life within me, the breath of God in my nostrils, my lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit. I will never admit you are in the right; till I die, I will not deny my integrity. I will maintain my righteousness and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live." (Job 27:3-6) So then after two chapters of Job ranting on this guy, Bildad is like "Okay, whatever," and vamooses.

But after this is where the good part kicks in. Because while Job never looses his faith, he begins to doubt. He does what a lot of us do when we're suffering, we get a little angry. And we feel abandoned. Sometimes we doubt that God is even there. Sometimes, we know He is, but we wonder why He's not listening, or responding. God seems way more distant than He used to be. We all go through this dark period at some point, and Job was no exception.

Chapters 29 and 30 are all about him accusing God of forgetting him (Job 29:2-5 ""How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me, when his lamp shone upon my head and by his light I walked through darkness! Oh, for the days when I was in my prime, when God's intimate friendship blessed my house, when the Almighty was still with me and my children were around me.")

He is accusing God of being unjust and letting men mock him (Job 30: 9-11 " "And now their sons mock me in song; I have become a byword among them. They detest me and keep their distance; they do not hesitate to spit in my face. Now that God has unstrung my bow and afflicted me, they throw off restraint in my presence.").

Accusing God of throwing him straight into the storm. Accusing God of not caring AT ALL. Calling God ruthless, and making a Holy God out to be wicked. (Job 30:20-23 ""I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me. You turn on me ruthlessly; with the might of your hand you attack me. You snatch me up and drive me before the wind; you toss me about in the storm. I know you will bring me down to death, to the place appointed for all the living."). Woah baby! These are some SERIOUS accusations.

But oh no, dear readers, he does not stop there. Our dear friend Job decides to dig his hole a little deeper. Chapter 31 is filled with Job trying to justify himself. Just read it! Of him thinking he knows better than God. Of him attempting to put himself on the same level as God and getting right in His face about it. Bad mistake Job. BAD mistake.

By this point,it's not hard to guess that he is really and truly angry with God. I can almost picture him in a room, face upaward, fist clenched, arm raised, screaming at God at the top of his lungs. Job is basically also just kind of whining to God saying "Why me? I've done nothing but try to live a righteous life. Why did all of this happen to me?" Today we are no different. Do you know how many times I have heard the question "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I've lost count! But that's a different story. Finally, after ranting and ranting Job's like "I'm done," and this guy Elihu comes on the scene.

And chapters 32-37 Elihu basically calls Job out. He's like [in paraphrased terms] "Dude, you don't get it at all do you? And you're old-you're supposed to be wise! I'm young, but even I know that what you are saying is not right. God does not cause evil! It is unthinkable (Job 34:10-12) Who are you to yell at God? Have you forgotten how majestic He is!?!?"

But I don't get the sense that Job really listened. Still, I think there is something to be admired about Elihu. Because I know in my own life, there are sometimes when I don't need kind words. I don't need encouragement. I don't need gentle co-ersing. I need someone (who most of the time is my very best friend) to come along and be like "You know what Rachel! I can't help you! You don't get it! I could line up every guy on the street to tell you that you are beautiful, but it would never be enough. Because this is between you and God. And until you learn to see yourself through His eyes, you're self esteem isn't going to get any better." That's honest. That's telling it like it is. And sometimes, although we don't like it, it's the only way to get through to us. That's what Elihu was trying to do to Job, but I don't think it worked to well.

But then comes the part that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. God comes on the scene. He causes this storm and that's how we speaks to Job in His deep, Sean Connery voice. This is also the part where I am reminded that God has a tremendously good sense of humor. He's like " Bam! You've been complaining that I've been silent, well here me speak now buddy! Bwahaha Because I've heard everything you've been saying and I got some questions for you! So answer me this Job, Who are you to question ME?" And He just slams Job over and over and over with this question. So, I'm just going to post the whole thing because there's no way I could put it any better and I think it needs to be read. Reading it alone, makes me tremble at my own insignificance. I know its long, but it is sooooo worth the read!

Job Chapter 38:

"Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said: 'Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! [God is showing a bit of sarcasm, I Love it! ha ha] Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'? Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken. Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this. What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years! Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail, which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle? What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth? Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass? Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew? From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen? Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its cubs? Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God's dominion over the earth? Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind? Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together? Do you hunt the prey for the lioness and satisfy the hunger of the lions when they crouch in their dens or lie in wait in a thicket? Who provides food for the raven when its young cry out to God and wander about for lack of food?'"

But wait! There's more!

Job Chapter 39
"'Do you know when the mountain goats give birth? Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?
Do you count the months till they bear? Do you know the time they give birth?
They crouch down and bring forth their young; their labor pains are ended.
Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds; they leave and do not return.
"Who let the wild donkey go free? Who untied his ropes?
I gave him the wasteland as his home, the salt flats as his habitat.
He laughs at the commotion in the town; he does not hear a driver's shout.
He ranges the hills for his pasture and searches for any green thing.
"Will the wild ox consent to serve you? Will he stay by your manger at night?
Can you hold him to the furrow with a harness? Will he till the valleys behind you?
Will you rely on him for his great strength? Will you leave your heavy work to him?
Can you trust him to bring in your grain and gather it to your threshing floor?
"The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully, but they cannot compare with the pinions and feathers of the stork.
She lays her eggs on the ground and lets them warm in the sand,
unmindful that a foot may crush them, that some wild animal may trample them.
She treats her young harshly, as if they were not hers; she cares not that her labor was in vain,
for God did not endow her with wisdom or give her a share of good sense.
Yet when she spreads her feathers to run, she laughs at horse and rider.
"Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane?
Do you make him leap like a locust, striking terror with his proud snorting?
He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength, and charges into the fray.
He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing; he does not shy away from the sword.

The quiver rattles against his side, along with the flashing spear and lance.
In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground; he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds.
At the blast of the trumpet he snorts, 'Aha!' He catches the scent of battle from afar, the shout of commanders and the battle cry.
"Does the hawk take flight by your wisdom and spread his wings toward the south?
Does the eagle soar at your command and build his nest on high?
He dwells on a cliff and stays there at night; a rocky crag is his stronghold.
From there he seeks out his food; his eyes detect it from afar.
His young ones feast on blood, and where the slain are, there is he.'"

But wait, there's more! As if Job hasn't gotten it yet!
Job Chapter 40
"'The Lord said to Job:
'Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!"
Then Job answered the Lord:
"I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth.
I spoke once, but I have no answer-- twice, but I will say no more."
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm:
"Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
"Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
Do you have an arm like God's, and can your voice thunder like his?
Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor, and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
Unleash the fury of your wrath, look at every proud man and bring him low,
look at every proud man and humble him, crush the wicked where they stand.
Bury them all in the dust together; shroud their faces in the grave.
Then I myself will admit to you that your own right hand can save you.

"Look at the behemoth, which I made along with you and which feeds on grass like an ox.
What strength he has in his loins, what power in the muscles of his belly!
His tail sways like a cedar; the sinews of his thighs are close-knit.
His bones are tubes of bronze, his limbs like rods of iron.
He ranks first among the works of God, yet his Maker can approach him with his sword.
The hills bring him their produce, and all the wild animals play nearby.
Under the lotus plants he lies, hidden among the reeds in the marsh.
The lotuses conceal him in their shadow; the poplars by the stream surround him.
When the river rages, he is not alarmed; he is secure, though the Jordan should surge against his mouth.
Can anyone capture him by the eyes, or trap him and pierce his nose?'"

And just in case, you still had any pride left Job, God lays it on one more time.
Job Chapter 41:
"'Can you pull in the leviathan with a fishhook or tie down his tongue with a rope?
Can you put a cord through his nose or pierce his jaw with a hook?
Will he keep begging you for mercy? Will he speak to you with gentle words?
Will he make an agreement with you for you to take him as your slave for life?
Can you make a pet of him like a bird or put him on a leash for your girls?
Will traders barter for him? Will they divide him up among the merchants?
Can you fill his hide with harpoons or his head with fishing spears?
If you lay a hand on him, you will remember the struggle and never do it again!
Any hope of subduing him is false; the mere sight of him is overpowering.
No one is fierce enough to rouse him. Who then is able to stand against me?
Who has a claim against me that I must pay? Everything under heaven belongs to me.

"I will not fail to speak of his limbs, his strength and his graceful form.
Who can strip off his outer coat? Who would approach him with a bridle?
Who dares open the doors of his mouth, ringed about with his fearsome teeth?
His back has rows of shields tightly sealed together;
each is so close to the next that no air can pass between.
They are joined fast to one another; they cling together and cannot be parted.
His snorting throws out flashes of light; his eyes are like the rays of dawn.
Firebrands stream from his mouth; sparks of fire shoot out.
Smoke pours from his nostrils as from a boiling pot over a fire of reeds.
His breath sets coals ablaze, and flames dart from his mouth.
Strength resides in his neck; dismay goes before him.
The folds of his flesh are tightly joined; they are firm and immovable.
His chest is hard as rock, hard as a lower millstone.
When he rises up, the mighty are terrified; they retreat before his thrashing.
The sword that reaches him has no effect, nor does the spear or the dart or the javelin.
Iron he treats like straw and bronze like rotten wood.
Arrows do not make him flee; slingstones are like chaff to him.
A club seems to him but a piece of straw; he laughs at the rattling of the lance.
His undersides are jagged potsherds, leaving a trail in the mud like a threshing sledge.
He makes the depths churn like a boiling caldron and stirs up the sea like a pot of ointment.
Behind him he leaves a glistening wake; one would think the deep had white hair.
Nothing on earth is his equal-- a creature without fear.
He looks down on all that are haughty; he is king over all that are proud.'"

WOW! I don't know about you, but that's extremely humbling. I mean, how do you come out of that? I find myself saying exactly what Job said in Job 42: 4-6 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." I despise myself... no better way to put it!

The only response is to be in awe because this Holy and Majestic Creator takes the time to have a relationship with us. He doesn't just allow us to talk to Him either much like you would talk to a wall. He reaches down to us. He desires it because we are His creations. And no one can mask the beauty of the intimacy between Creator and creation. That's love baby!

So I fall on my knees because I am beginning to grasp how insignificant I am compared to an indescribably Majestic God. And yet, through all of this, it makes the love He showed towards us on the cross is even more mind blowing! And I don't think we will ever fully understand the depth of that love. That kind of love calls us to offer every last fragile breath, because He deserves so much more than that! And it calls us to repentence. Not only for sins, but for those times when we "boxed" God. We put limits on His power and who He is. We diminish him. Now a days we have all this technology. Some say we can even predict what Jesus looked like. But it doesn't matter! What matter's is He is Jesus. He stands alone!

He stands. Taller than the tallest tree. Stronger than the strongest structure. More beautiful than the prettiest flower. More powerful than the fiercest storm. More gentle than the slightest breeze. More Wondrous than all the stars. Grander than the Universe. More majestic than the purple mountains. More creative than the best artist. More understanding than the best of friends. More mesmorizing than the ocean. He stands.

Isaiah 40:25 "'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One."

Forgive me, Precious Lord, for not letting You be You.