Confessions of a Broken Mirror...

Okay, so this may sound weird, but I've realized lately that I suffer from broken mirror syndrome. This comes in two aspects: 1) I don't see myself as I should and 2) because I don't see myself through the right eyes, I don't reflect Christ to others.

So let's go back to number one. We all do it. We stand in front of the mirror for minutes on end analyzing every little flaw we have. Something that has become ultra apparent lately is that I'm much more self-conscious of the way I look than I

used to be. I think some of this stems from just living in LA, one of the fashion capitals of the world. It seems everyone here has the perfect beach body. Every girl is beautiful, so how am I supposed to compete with that? The answer, you can't. Because you are not a clone. You are not those other girls. There are traits whether they be inward or outward that only you posses. But this also stems from how I see myself. Are we girls looking at ourselves through our maker's eyes, or the worlds?

Lately, the world has been the mirror by which I see myself. But we already know how messed up the world is. They have a contorted view of beauty. Trying to compete with that is nothing but vanity. Because, what do you get in the end? Someone to look at you and judge you strictly on your appearance? Who wants friends, family, bosses, boyfriends, etc, like that? This is not to say that physical attraction isn't important, but I think the world puts too much emphasis on it. They shallow out the definition of beauty.

I have literally destroyed my self esteem trying to keep up with that. So many other girls do the same thing. It is terrifying the number of teenage to early twenties girls who confess to having or previously having an eating disorder. And what it really comes down to is idolatry, whatever your idol may be. I would get so depressed because of the way I looked. And the reason I got so depressed was because I made guys my god. I made beauty my god and I put my identity in it. I was convinced that the only way I could ever find someone was if I looked better. Every time I exercised, every time I abstained from that piece of cake, was for them. I even began fasting from breads and pasta for lent in the hope of loosing weight. Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthier and eat healthier, but I realized that even though my body was getting healthier, my spiritual life was starving. It was dying.

My whole goal in life was to be called beautiful by a member of the opposite sex. That's what I would wish for. That's even sometimes what I prayed for. It sounds so ridiculous, but I did it anyway. Why? Because that's what I put my value in. That's who my identity became.

And now on to number two. Having put my value and given myself over, how could I reflect my maker? 1 Samuel 16:7 says, "But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.' " And I realized this was where my problem lay. In my character, in my heart. How could I tell others that it didn't matter so much what they looked like on the outside because they were beautiful on the inside when I myself didn't believe it? How could I tell them that they are beautiful just the way they are, because they are created in the image of a Holy and Perfect God, when that's not how I saw myself? I became no different from the world. I expected others to judge me on my outward beauty so that's what I focused on. And yet I still called myself a christian and said looks weren't near as important as heart. But every action conveyed that I didn't really believe what I was saying.

And then one day God broke me. I was watching a little video from an add for one of Nick Vujicic's newest DVD's. He runs a Christian organization called "A Life Without Limbs." Definately check out his website, his testimony is amazing. Anyway, a friend on facebook had posted the little preview video. He came to my school when I was a sophomore so I decided to check it out, just out of curiosity. The video nearly brought me to tears. I already knew his story. But just in those three or so minutes he was talking about beauty. And one of the things he was saying was how when he was eight years old he was convinced that he could never get married, because he said, "What kind of husband would I be if I can't even hold my wife's hand?" And then later he went on to say, "I may not be able to hold her hand, but I don't need hands to hold her heart." And this convicted me so much. And the reason he was able to say this and not worry about it was because of the way he saw himself. He saw himself through the beauty of Christ's eyes. He placed his value and self worth in Christ. And other's saw it too. When they looked at him, they saw Christ.

We will forever struggle with this because we are in the world. Body issues will always be around us. But I have found that one of the things that strengthens me is Barlow Girl's song "Mirror." So, on those not so good days I listen to that and focus on what the words are saying. Because I want my value to be in something better. I want to reflect Christ not the world.I want Him to be my identity. And it's still a lesson I'm learning. But I have found that when I do this, life is way less stressful and I'm far more happier. I'm beginning to see myself through better eyes. Because the world can say whatever they want about me, but I know someone who thinks I'm to die for. So girls, break your mirrors. Cover them up after you get ready in the morning so you're not tempted to stand there for hours analyzing every little flaw. Do whatever it takes. But tell your mirror who's boss and who defines you. "Mirror I am seeing new reflection. I'm looking into the eyes of who made me. And to Him I am beauty beyond compare. I know he DEFINES me. Who are you to tell me that I'm less that what I should be?"