Confessions of a Neil Diamond Fan...

Let me start off this post by dedicating it to my momma, who from a young age has been teaching me to be three important things: A godly wife and mother, a chocoholic, and a lover of all things Neil Diamond. I must also here give props to God. Usually these blogging moments of inspiration seem to come while interrupting me in my sleep at 4:45ish in the morning. However, seeing as I haven’t been doing much of that these days, God’s gotten creative and has decided to inspire me while sitting in traffic. Something, sadly, that I do much more of.

Anyway, now back to Neil Diamond. I should probably be ashamed that I’ve seen him more times in concert than any other band, but I’m really not. From the time I could walk I’ve been stealing walk-mans and hogging “My Diamond” cassettes, cd’s, ect. It’s true, we have photographic evidence. But one of my favorite songs is his rendition of “He Ain’t Heavy; He’s My Brother.”

“The road is long


With many a winding turn


That leads us to who knows where
 Who knows when


But I'm strong
 Strong enough to carry him


He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go


His welfare is of my concern


No burden is he to bear
We'll get there


For I know
He would not encumber me


He ain't heavy, he's my brother”

I’ve always loved these lyrics and stories behind them. There have been numerous accounts as to their origins, each story a little different. Anywhere from a young girl carrying her baby brother to my favorite story, men in the line of battle. Rumor has it that young man’s leg was blown off while serving in active duty. One of his comrades found him on the brink of death, picked him up, and started carrying him towards safety. His savior was shot numerous times due to his slow pace of bearing the man’s heavy load. Finally, after miles, medics arrived for relief rushing to the man. There the doctor looked at him and exclaimed he was lucky to even be alive, how could he have carried such a heavy burden so far. The soldier then looked at the medic and replied, “He ain’t heavy; he’s my brother.”

What a beautiful picture this is of bearing one another’s burdens. But alas, that is not what seems to have brought me to tears. It is also a beautiful picture of giving our burdens to Christ. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us to cast all our anxiety on Him because He cares for us. It’s funny how many times I really neglect to do this. Sometimes I feel as if my problems are too messy, too crazy, too much for me to even organize them in a prayer for help. Why would God want to hear about my problems when I can’t even seem to figure out exactly what they are? “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” (Romans 8:26)

Sometimes, I neglect taking them to God for the simple reason that I’d much rather not think about them at all. It hurts too much. I’d rather ignore them instead of trying to work through them. Or I look at them and think, “There’s worse things going on in this world. I don’t want to waste God’s time on this stupid little thing.” But these are unholy thoughts. God wants to hear from us, no matter where we stand. Just like the song says, our welfare is his concern. If God cares about providing for the birds of the air or the grass of the field, how much more will He provide for us? How much more does He care? We are worth far more to Him than birds. (Matthew 6:25-34).

 

We stand with the ability to directly communicate with the Holy Creator of the Universe and we think He can’t handle our problems? That our burdens are too great? That we are too ashamed of them? Newsflash, He knows them anyway! You’re not hiding anything! We worry so much about our futures and plans and finances and families. Psh! Like we have any control of them anyway! We say things like, “I think I just need to do this.” Or, “I think I need that.” We think too much! As an almost 23 year old I can honestly say I have no freaking clue what I need. So thank God because He does and He’s providing it. The only thing I NEED to do, is do what He says! But its embarrassing how often “listen to God” gets erased from my “To Do” list. In fact, it takes a Neil Diamond song to come on before I finally listen. Before I realize I’ve been harboring these burdens to myself far too long and God says, “Let me have these. I want them. I want all of you. I will take care of them. I already took care of them. I bought them along with you when I went to that cross. You don’t need to worry anymore about them. Just listen to my version of the song, Rachel”:

“The road is long


With many a winding turn


That leads us to you know not where, but I do.


And I'm strong.
Strong enough to carry you…

…And the load doesn’t weigh me down

You ain't heavy, You’re my daughter.

So we go on…”

Confessions of a Late Night Beach Goer...

If you've talked to me for more than five minutes you probably already know I'm a lover of the beach. And I've developed this new love of the beach at night. Hopeless romanticness aside, I also find it to be a place of calm and peace. Even more so at night than in the daytime. It's usually the place I go to escape the chaos that is my school life. And when I leave that soft cool sand, I return to the busy LA world feeling rejuvenated and refreshed. But alas, last night this was not the case.

As I sat there staring at the waves last night I began to cry. It was at this point that I started mentally kicking myself. "Really Rachel? Second week of school is a little early for a meltdown don't you think?" But then again, I'm taking Phycology. A whole semester studying algae is enough to make anyone weep. But what surprised me is what I was crying about. In 8 months I will be graduating and leaving Long Beach. Where I'll end up is a whole other blog entirely, but its like it suddenly dawned on me. I won't be able to just run out to Seal Beach at night. Those California waves will no longer be only five minutes away. I won't have the consistency that is school. My friends here will all be elsewhere. I might even be back under my parent's roof. And don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but I also love my independence. All of a sudden I found myself wishing to be a freshman again. School has been my pattern of life for the past 17 years! What on earth am I going to do?!

I realized time is precious. And these five years that have seemed to go on forever have been nothing but a short blip. That's a terrifying concept to me! I also realized (although I already knew this one) that I loathe, detest, and abominate change. And as the ending time gets closer, I find myself getting more frustrated. Where doors should start to be closing, I'm finding they're still open. Where I should be reaffirming and gaining confidence in my calling, I'm now questioning. And I find myself honestly getting frustrated with God. When it seems like its coming down to the wire and He should start giving me answers I find He has never been more silent. 

It was this same frustration that I left the beach with and propelled me to escape again. So I went to my secret spot. It's this little place right off the northern end of Crystal Cove State park. I first discovered it a few years ago and it has been the perfect place to just think, journal, pray, and listen. Every time I've been there the place has been deserted. I've had at least forty-five minutes to myself before someone else has discovered the road less traveled. I've always thought of it as a sanctuary. But today my sanctuary was breached. Within five minutes, Rocko the miniature poodle was making his way down those dirt steps pulling his pampering owner behind. Being the animal lover, I petted Rocko and secretly resented his owner for disturbing my "God time." 

But as I watched them hike away a new thought hit me. This was not the only sanctuary where unwelcome guests had been. Inside all of our hearts there is this place. It is the place only God can fill. 1 Cor. 3:16 tells us that we are the temple of God and that His spirit dwells in us. It is a Holy, intimate, and sacred place. It is the safest place to be. And we are entirely in control of who enters it. Even Christ Himself stands at the door and knocks (Rev. 3:20) If you ask me, we have too much power. Because the thing is this. I've been letting too many crashers into the party. There's been too many things that I've been using to fill this place. And not all of them bad. Good relationships with people are awesome, but they don't belong in this place. The beach is beautiful, but no amount of ocean water can fill this place. Working out, being adventurous, being studious, having fun may help give you a longer and happier life, but when put inside this sanctuary, it merely becomes a storage shed. 

And I began to realize a few things. First, God has always been a God of last minutes with me. It seems that at the end when I finally give up He steps in and just BAM opens a door. And it's always way better than I could ever imagine. I need to remember this more. Secondly, it may be that God is staying silent right now and just asking me to trust Him, but it could also be He is speaking and is being crowded out. Because this intimate place that He and I have is being filled with a whole lot of junk. And I'm a neat freak! How did I let this happen?! Have you seen my apartment? It's spotless! SPOTLESS! 

So, I reflect again and I realize that places you live may come and go. Circumstances may change. But this sanctuary I will have as long as I breathe. And it's time for a little spring cleaning.

"One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock." -Psalm 27:4-5

Confessions of a Veteran Blogger...

Well folks, here we are. One hundred blogs. To be honest, I never thought we'd reach this point when I was starting out four years ago. Just another testament to God's faithfulness over the years I guess.  And so, it only therefore seems fitting that after 99 other confessions I present one more. Summer is ending and I really really don't want it to. Shocking I know. Neither do the other 3 millions kids going back to school.

It's funny to me. After years of wishing to get out of Bakersfield and 3 summer's home from college not being able to wait until I could return to the beach, I find myself not wanting to leave. I love my youth kids! If I could just stay and hang with them all day I would take that opportunity in a heartbeat. I've no doubt that the minute that car door closes and I start heading down the grapevine there will be some tears. But I'm also encouraged and reminded of  Philippians 1:6, "...that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." And I have plenty of reasons to smile. I've seen growth this summer in my youth. I've seen new kids come to know the Lord and develop a passion for Jesus. I see God working in the lives of those in our youth group. I see unity developing. God's not done with my kids yet! He's still actively working in their lives and will continue to do so! They are in His perfectly capable hands. Vessels of the fleet may come and go, but the course stays true. "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:14) Of course, in the spirit of complete honesty, I do have to also confess that this vessel who has been temporarily dry docked is hoping to return to the fleet in the very near future. 

But in some ways I think its good being dry docked every now and then. And it doesn't mean that your ministry ends entirely, not by a long shot! But sometimes, taking a quick step away  gives you the chance to fix and tune the things that still need to be fixed and tuned. It's just you and God, the Master Craftsman.  And I realized, I still need a lot of work! I'm a pretty crummy vessel sometimes. 

One of the things that really struck my heart recently was when our Pastor asked during his sermon, "When was the last time you prayed for something to be taken away from you?" And he wasn't making mention to something like an illness or a test or project (I pray for that all the time), but an idol. BOOM conviction like no other brother! Because I have idols in my life. The biggest one? Probably my love life. I wonder about who I will marry way more than I should. I get discouraged when I see fourteen of my friends getting married this summer and I'm still a terminal bachelorette, never having dated. I start questioning God, "Any time now! If you wanted to have him walk through my door now I wouldn't be opposed!" If I start developing a little crush on somebody its only a matter of time before I start thinking about him way more than I should. And dreaming with the "Well maybe's" and "What ifs?" And I've struggled with it for years. And over and over I have prayed, "God, help me put you first. Help me not to make him my idol. Help me not to read too much into things. Help me just to enjoy having a godly brother in Christ in my life." But have I ever prayed "God, take him away from me?" Ummm, no! That's crazy talk! That's way too hard! I plan ways I can spend time with him. Asking God to end all that and remove him entirely because of my lack of emotional self-control? 

The truth is, we're really stupid to wander away in the first place. Are we that ignorant that for a moment we believe our life could get any better than it is with God? Why is it that we only return to Him when the others fail to satisfy after we know all along they won't? I seriously want to slap myself sometimes and be like, "DUH!!!"

 The other, and more sad truth, is, it's funny how the things that we so often say, "God I can't do that" are actually doable. Like letting those idols go. Like praying for temptation to be taken away from us. Like fleeing from it. If we were really honest with ourselves the truth is we really mean, "God, I WON'T do that." 

Lord, forgive me. I don't want to say no anymore.....

"She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.'" -Hosea 2:7

Confessions of an In-line Skater...

All right people, get your round of applause ready. Why? Because the other day this extremely clumsy, accident prone girl went in-line skating with all my youth kids and I DIDN'T FALL ONCE. I know right?! It was a miracle in and of itself. Actually, none of our kids ate it too bad. There was one casualty, however. We shall call her Susie. Now, Susie is one of my soon to be freshman girls. And she had never been skating before. Leaving her to be entirely vulnerable to the Claw Machine. You know exactly the one I'm talking about don't you? The one that sucks your dollars into its evil machine and you never get that stuffed animal. Or, if you do, you find you've paid twenty bucks for a purple puppy you could have gotten at Dollar Tree. Kiddy slot machines is what they are.

Well, that is where this story begins. Towards the end of the general session my ankle was rapidly reaching that "Hey you idiot, remember me? Yeah I'm injured and permanently weak and now I'm going to remind you of that" stage so I stopped to take a break. And that is when I spotted Susie. A look of desperation crossed her face as she inserted dollar after dollar just hoping that the claw would rotate enough to snag the elephant. I was torn. Part of me wanted to encourage her to see it through and didn't want to tell her to just cut her losses and give up, but the broke college student side was going "That's almost half my weekly grocery bill." Finally Susie did overcome the machine and ended up with a lime green cow, which she preceded to show around for about ten more minutes, and then got bored with it saying she would give it to her sister.

Two thoughts come to my mind when I think about all this. 1) That scene from Disney's Toy Story where the little green aliens say "Claw's our master. Claw chooses who goes and who stays." and 2) How many times do we do that with sin in our lives? We know the end result. We know its never going to satisfy any sort of long term, but yet how many of us find ourselves making it the masters of our own lives? How many of us keep pouring in tons of time, energy, and money into something thats essentially cheap junk? We stand there futilely and say, "It will be worth it. It will get better. It will make me happy." Because sometimes the prizes do look good. But they never are. And we realize it all too late. And once we do, we say we'll never do it again, but ten minutes later, we end up right back at the machine, thumb on red button, ready to go again. It reminds me of Hosea 2:7, "She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.'" Oh how much would our faith grow if we were as desperate for God as we were to sin. 

 

Susie had this same experience. And I think it speaks wonders to accountability partners because just as Susie was starting to insert yet another dollar, a friend came up and stopped her. This friend told Susie her dollar would be better spent getting a gatorade from the snackbar. Something that would nourish and replenish her. 

How awesome is it that we can have these friends in our lives who help get us back on the right track and make sure we stay there? And how awesome is it that we have the Holy Spirit living inside us which is constantly reminding us to spend our time getting replenished and seeking nourishment?

I knew Susie would learn her lesson about her rookie mistake of falling prey to those machines, but what I never could have guessed was the lesson her leader would obtain from watching her.

"For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. What the true proverb says has happened to them: “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire.” -2 Peter 2: 20-22

Confessions of a Rusty Pianist...

You know whats cool? God gives us talents. I know at this point you're probably like "Yeah. And?" But no, seriously, take a minute. Think about it for a second. Why does He do that? Again the immediate Sunday School answer comes to mind, "for His glory." But just think about what that entails. God gives you this gift, right? And as the old parable goes, "To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey." (Matthew 24:15) I think, there in our trying to understand and interpret this verse we sometimes loose sight of its significance. So many times the lesson ends up being, "We're all different. Everyone has different talents. And we can all use them for God's glory." This is truth. But the biggest picture I'm seeing here is that they are meant for specifically that- God's glory. Thats the main focus of this passage. It's not just a lesson on diversity, it's about properly using what you're given! That's why the man going on a journey got so mad with the servant who buried his talent. I mean, technically the servant did do something with it, and that something wasn't even necessarily a bad thing. But it wasn't what the master had purposed it for. Maybe y'all had previously caught that. But I've been hearing and tuning this story out for years without that lightbulb clicking on.

It's something that has dawned on me lately. I've been a lousy manager. Growing up and in high school I was a pianist, saxophonist, flutist, baker, writer, theater geek, tennis player, guitarist, cheerleader (Gasp, I know. Those were dark days, okay? )   and on and on. And people would say, "You have a talent for this." (Well, they never said that about being a 230lb cheerleader, but you get my point.) But yet, coming out of high school I didn't keep up any of those temporary professions! Maybe I was gifted in these areas, but my passion and my heart for them just kind of fluttered away. They became old hobbies that I happened to be good at that I had once done, instead of things that still drove me. I've been reflecting on this thought for some time and have been asking myself why this is so. Here's what I've concluded: I wasn't using those gifts properly.

I had a lot of fun doing these various tasks, but they lacked one important thing- fulfillment. There was no purpose behind it other than simple enjoyment. But that just seems kind of shallow, don't you think? Eventually I didn't get as much enjoyment as I had once had. If this was a romantic relationship, this is the point where you could say the spark fizzled. And as I sit here and look at my dusty saxophone, I think its safe to say it died in some cases. Sorry for the neglect saxy.

This story is not a tragic ending however. I've re-discovered some of my loves again. The passion is back! I find fulfillment. I find joy. And the difference is so simple, yet so powerful- God. He makes all the difference. I get it now. I find the most joy when I'm at my piano working on worship songs (current addiction: "Never Alone" by Matt Redman) I'm understanding why I like to write so much- I can blog about what God is teaching me! I love baking cookies and putting smiles on people's faces, just to let them know they're loved. It sounds so entirely simple, but at the same time, profound. God gives us talents because He has specific purposes planned for them. Who knows! Maybe my shower karaoke can even be of some use! And news flash, it's not just for your entertainment and pleasure. It's ministry! Everyone of these talents has furthered my ministry to OTHERS! I always wondered why I enjoyed these areas when I was never going to do anything professionally in them. It's been awesome beyond words to see what He's done. God's super creative! He's done things with them I never would have guessed! But then again, I guess thats part of what makes God God. And it convicts me to put time with my other talents up for grabs and see what He does.  

I feel like the girl who's been eating splenda packets her whole life when she could have had double fudge brownie ice cream. You just never know how good and satisfying something is until you have it as its designed to be. 

Confessions of a Camp Love...

Well folks, it finally happened. I know, many of you have been wondering if it ever would. I myself have been thinking lately, "I'm 22. Any time now God!" But there is now a certain special someone in my life. I mean, besides God that is. See, it all started when I went to Fuge camp this summer. And I feel like a complete hypocrite. Having spent nearly every summer at camp I'm perfectly well aware of the camp romances that can happen. Y'all know exactly the ones I'm talking about. Boy sees girl. Girl sees boy. Boy and girl decide the "mature" thing to do would be to get in a relationship at camp. I mean, you're at church camp. God's gotta give that a thumbs up, right? Boy and girl spend all their free time together. By the end of the week boy is either leaving on a different bus and promising a long distance relationship or boy and girl have been in close quarters for too long and decided they really didn't enjoy each other's company that much. Happens every year. I think its the altitude. It does something to people's minds. I even warned all my youth girls about them. I asked them to really think about the true reason for why we came to camp. I challenged myself with it too. (What? A girl gets lonely sometimes. Camping is romantic. Sometimes you can't help it. I always thought It'd be cool to serve God co-counseling with my hubby) Anyway, I have to say though, that was not my initial intent. Farthest thing from my mind. But then....

GOTCHA! Ha ha maybe it is the lateness of the hour or perhaps I have officially snapped from trying to quit coffee cold turkey, but I am now patting myself on the back for pulling a fast one on you. Y'all thought I was gonna say I had found a certain special someone didn't you? Well, I did. Although it's more Matt Redman's lyrics that I am now in love with. I've never actually met the singer. Check 'em out.

"Standing on this mountaintop


Looking just how far we've come


Knowing that for every step


You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground


Seeing just how much You've done


Knowing every victory
Is Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way


But with joy our hearts can say


Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone


Never once did You leave us on our own


You are faithful, God, You are faithful."

Well, let me just say it was love at first stanza! We sang this during worship one night and I cannot describe how much it spoke to me. Perhaps its because I'm rapidly realizing I will very soon be closing the "college" chapter in my life, but I've done quite a bit of reflecting on the past lately. What better way to do this than reading over old journal entries? And ya know, it's a funny thing. Because sometimes, they're painful. You realize what a dark place you used to be in. And the things you struggled with still hurt. But it's also leaves me completely in awe. My mind has been entirely blown at how God has completely transformed my life. All those struggles, all those hard times, and I have seen just how He has used every single situation for good. I've seen how much its stretched me. Not to the point that I tear and fall apart, but just to the point of growth. And it makes me laugh because when you look back at your life and you realize you can see how God was in every situation it kind of feels like someone just WHAM! hit you. Never once did we ever walk alone. Even though a lot of times, it felt that way.

Looking back, my college years did not turn out the way I wanted them too. And I cannot say with enough enthusiam that I am so glad they didn't. Had I had my way, I would have been in Hawaii, swimming with dolphins and sun-tanning on the beach. Long Beach was honestly my last choice. Don't believe me ask my mother. She can atest to all the crying fits I gave. Hey, I never said I was mature at 18. But now I can't imagine being anywhere else. I sit back and I think, "Wow. if I had never come to Long Beach I never would have met the amazing people that I know. I never would have made lasting friendships that impacted my life beyond words. I never would have had mentors that challenged and gave wisdom in my walk with God.  I never would have had a shark in my bath tub, rescued a sea lion, or any of the other cool experiences. I never would have gotten involved with Navigators. I probably wouldn't be much of a christian. I probably wouldn't be working with the youth over the summer back home. Omgosh, I never would have been in youth ministry!" These are blessings that I could never have planned, or had the wisdom to ask for. But my life without them seems so, I don't know, not my life.

And it gives me great joy too. Because I look back at old journals and I see answered prayers. I see God's speedy and easy resolutions to things that I thought took weeks to accomplish. I've seen even just in a few months how much my faith has strengthened. And its awesome! God's faithfulness is just, gah, it's blowing my mind right now! But it also convicts me.

This morning I was reading Exodus 18. And I gotta say, I was pretty irritated with the Israelites. I mean, just two chapters beforehand, Moses has parted the Red Sea. The Hebrews are trapped. Pharoh is on their heels. And God takes an entire body of water and splits it in two. Like cheesecake! And then, like any good christian, they dance in celebration of His deliverance (Ch. 17) And then BOOM two chapters later, they're whining and complaining saying, "If only we'd stayed in Egypt. At least there we had food." REALLY?! Your God just parted the Red Sea and destroyed Pharoh's entire army and you're whining about food?! Don't you think He knows you're hungry? I mean, I don't pretend to be the sharpest, but it seems to me that even the dullest crayon in the box would think, "You know. I bet if God parted the Red Sea He can also give us food. That seems like a relatively easier job."  But then I find myself wearing those soggy, wet, Israel shoes. Can I honestly stand here with proof of God's goodness and direction in the past and doubt that He's not going to lead me to the best in the future? Oh ye of little faith...

"Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" (Luke 12:22-26)

Confessions of an OCD FUGE Goer...

      Ask anyone in my family and they will immediately tell you I hate surprises. From the time I was little they have stressed me out beyond belief. When my parents surprised me with a puppy, I nearly had a meltdown on the way to pick him up. I always joke I'd be the easiest person to stalk. Except for a few random spontaneous outings with friends I live my life by routine. Some of you are reading this and saying "Wow, Rachel. You're so boring. Where's your adventure?" It's at this point I'd like to say I do have adventures, they're just planned. But I know my fellow OCD people will understand when I say it's also somewhat comforting having neat schedules and lists. I don't need to worry about the future because I know what I will be doing.

     It's this same line of thinking that has gotten me through the past four summers. I don't always know if I will be employed, where I will live, or how things will change since some of my friends have graduated, but I've always counted on the one certainty that I will be in school in the coming fall. But now all of that is changing in this next coming year. I find myself thinking, "I know NOTHING for sure!" Come the end of May I will be done with school and who knows where I'll end up? I could be employed working in Maine, or free-laboring it up in Australia. Or I could be a couch potato back home. Unlike fourteen of you this summer, I won't be getting married, I don't have a job I can fall back on, and I won't be applying for graduate school. This, ladies and gents, is where this OCDer starts freaking out! I love plans, and there is not one single thing I can plan! AH!

     As it so happens, this also seems to be the area that God has been working in the most. I'm finding myself challenged and convicted more and more to trust Him. And it's awesome! The future doesn't scare me so much anymore. Where I should be worried I now am finding peace. Where there once was meltdowns there now is trust. Because I've been really stupid. I've been counting on my own abilities and my own securites. But the fact is God is the consistency in my life. It's not school, family, friends, or work. It's God. Everything else can change, but He stays the same through the ages. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8). And Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that His plans are never to harm us. So why wouldn't we trust?

     Knowing this, I realized my big flop in life at FUGE camp. All my life I've been saying I wanted to be a marine biologist. It's what I declared upon that Kindergarten graduation stage. Sometimes I think I said it just out of hobby. But because its always what I planned to do, I never really consulted God on the subject. And don't get me wrong, I really do love it, but lately I've also been feeling other callings, particularly in the realm of nursing. And as it so happens, the areas of marine biology I love the most are the areas I could still volunteer in on weekends after possibly pursuing another career. This has been, and still continues to, weigh on my mind quite heavily. Much more prayer needed. But anyway, back to the big flop.

     The second to last day of FUGE one of my youth girls asked me to accompany her to her track time of "For Girls Only. (FGO)" I acquiesced assuming the topic was going to be like all the other FGO tracks I'd gone to even as a camper. What do I mean? The double B. Boys and Beauty. If there's two things teenage girls love to talk about it's boys and beauty. I knew it would be good stuff like how to be a godly girlfriend, how to find your value in God not what you look like, ect. But I was not expecting the topic of choice for that Thursday afternoon. How to give God your future. The minute Cameron (the leader) announced the topic my ears perked. "Okay, God. Where are you going with this?" All the girls had to write down what they wanted to be when they grew up. It's at this point where I regret to inform you I sarcastically wrote down "Employed." After a quick game of charades (yeah, good luck acting that one out) she challenged the girls that its not wrong to have wants and desires, but to hold those plans loosely because you never know how God might change them. And we need to be attentive and willing to obey his direction. Even if that means switching careers or like a lot of college kids, changing majors. I kid you not peeps, those were her words.

     Well, needless to say I was floored. This was definitely not on the boys chapter I had rehearsed my wisdom speech for. And I really didn't know what to say. I was so convicted. I sat there thinking, "Have I ever even asked God what He may want me to do with marine biology? Did I ever ask Him if He even wanted me to do it in the first place?" Excuse my language, but Oh crap, I hadn't! So, that folks is where the challenge now lies. I'm finishing out my Bachelors and seeing where God leads with it. It may be working with sharks and orcas, or it may be using it as a science background to explore other areas. I'm still praying and trying to figure out which way He wants me to go. And there still are somedays where I get overly stressed about it and I question everything, but I also know that God will lead you where He wants you. And its funny because it's always the place where you exactly needed to be. I haven't always gotten my way. I didn't get to go to Hawaii even though I got in. But I've needed to be at Long Beach. And God has ABUNDANTLY provided in all areas of life for me while I've been there. Knowing this gives me great comfort. It's like one of my roommates said, "God's already got the ending written. Stop trying to write the story." 

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

Confessions of a Learning Baseball Lover...

Well folks it's that time again! 3:30 in the morning to be exact. It's official, I'm changing my name to "The Late Night Blogger." Why these moments of inspiration cannot come at a normal hour of night I will never be able to fathom. But I Digress. Here's something thats been surprising me lately. I'm becoming a bit of a baseball fan. This shocks me. Being a lover of the action packed hockey I've never given much thought to baseball. I always thought, if I may be completely honest, that I'd be bored to tears watching it. But no cable TV changes a person. I've now watched many a game in attempt to procrastinate. And I've officially played my first game of softball. If you want proof I'll show you the bruise. But I've realized it requires a lot more skill than just hand eye coordination.

I've spent many a minute google-ing certain baseballean terms or poking whoever happens to be sitting next to me and asking questions like "So what does RBI mean?" Runs batted in- got it now. Yep, I'm becoming an expert. But I've thoroughly enjoyed the process of learning. Still a little confused on the whole average decimals business so if any of you would like to clarify that would be much appreciated. 

But asides from baseball, there's been something else I find myself learning a few lessons on- God's mercy and forgiveness. Because like baseball, God's got rules. Someone I know once called Him the ultimate umpire. I understand that phrase now. But unlike baseball, God doesn't play by strikes. There's no three strikes your out. And thank goodness for that or I would've been out come the age of one. Lamentations 3:22-23 tells us His compassions are new every morning. 

I'm human. So as such, it should be no surprise that I've royally blown it. But I'm learning I don't have to feel shame over what I've done. And that is so freeing! I feel conviction, but once I confess it, there is no guilt there. And this sinner finds hope. Because no matter how many times I blow it in the future God's loving sacrifice on the cross will overwrite it-mind you this should not be an excuse to do so. And it's not by some error of His. It's not a missed call or a ball he didn't catch and should have. God doesn't make mistakes. It was on purpose. He's eager to redeem us. And I'm still trying to grasp that concept. It seems backwards to me that a perfect God would be so eager to redeem an imperfect people- many of whom aren't looking for redemption. There's been many a friend and many a mentor I've poked and said, "So what does that mean?"

Here's one of the other reasons I'm growing a soft spot for the game. Even if the player strikes out, they always come up to bat again. It's a bit redeeming when you think about it. But unlike baseball, we are not batting alone. Lefty, righty, switch-hand makes no difference. God comes along and says, "Okay, you struck out. That's a black spot on your record certainly. Don't worry, I've wiped the slate clean. I'm not done with you yet. Swing again." Home. Run. 

"You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross." -Colossians 2:13-15 (NLT)

Confessions of a Horse Lover...

Well, folks, its 5 am. And according to my internal biological clock, its blog writing time. I've been neglecting my duties lately so apparently if you don't make time for blog writing, blog writing will not be ignored long- even if it means waking you up in the wee hours of the morning to do so. And another thing, why is it that in Southern California, which never sleeps, there is not 1 single coffee shop open before 6? By six o'clock I'm so wide awake I am perfectly capable of making it by myself. Its in the earlier hours when I'm non-coherent that I need it the most.

 But I digress. Have you ever heard the expression, "When you fall off the horse you just gotta get right back on"? I've never understood that statement to be honest. I mean, maybe its because I love horses, or the fact that I fall all the time, but I hear that remark and think, "Well of course I'd get right back on! How can you let one freak accident stop you? People get in car accidents every day, but that doesn't prevent us from driving all over creation. Why be hatin on the horses? " But I think I get it now- falling off a horse HURTS! Seriously, it can cripple you pretty good. But the fear is another key crippling factor. That horse bucked me off once, what makes me sure he won't do it again?

It reminds me of something the pastor said last Sunday. Fear, worry, and doubt are crippling to faith. Of course the example was doubting Thomas. We all look at his statement "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe." (John 20:25) We scoff in astonishment. Whats with this guy? I mean, I don't know about you, but if 10 other guys are like "Yeah, dude, he's back. We've all seen him," and even Jesus Himself had told the disciples that on the third day the temple would be rebuilt and He would be raised from the dead, (Matthew 16:21) I find myself thinking, "Get with the program Thomas!"

But yet, how many times have I read Romans 8:38-39 or Philippians 4:19, or Jeremiah 29:11 and doubted? This is where Thomas needs to come along and slap me upside the head. Has God not proven His love before? Has He not brought good before? Has He not met all of my needs in His divine time before? So that leaves me to analyze. There are two places we can doubt. One is in the things God has already done. The second is in the things God has yet to do. Maybe thats why we have such a big issue with Thomas. Because he doubted in the things God had already done. He had already been alive a week before he re-appeared to the disciples in the upper room when Thomas was there. But, at least I, tend to doubt the things God is going to do. And that's where faith comes in. Because faith is trust. Its looking at how God has already provided and saying, "You know. He's been there in the past, He will be there in the future. He doesn't promise it will always be easy, but He will be there. He promises it."

 I mean, really, do we limit God to only past experiences? God doesn't just work in the past, He works in the present and the future too. But here's the thing. The pastor was right on. Because if you worry or are fearful about something, you're not trusting God to handle it. You're forgetting that He is bigger than your problem. If you doubt what He says or his authenticity, then you might want to re-examine those nail holes my friend because it sounds like you need to spend some close, intimate time with the J-man. Because in places where fear and doubt exist, there's no room for trust. And if there's no room for trust, there's no room for faith to grow.  

Why do we let bad things deter us from God? Why is it that the one we so often get mad at and turn away from is the one who can help us the most? Here's the word of wisdom kids. We live in a fallen world. And Christianity is not a cure all. Bad things are gonna happen with or without a close personal relationship with God. But trust me, they're a whole lot easier with Him. Trust Him, let Him do His work, and watch the good He brings from it. 

Looks like its time to get back on the horse...

Confessions of a Coffee Co- dependent...

     So apparently I do my best writing at 4 a.m. Because once again, I am bright eyed and bushy tailed (that's such a weird expression, who came up with that?) sitting in bed, blogging, slightly sleep hungover, and wishing it was more like 7a.m. Never-the-less, not only is any time a good time for pancakes, but apparently it also extends to spiritual lessons. 

     As I was tossing and turning I started thinking about Matthew 5:30,  "And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." I know, such a morbid thought to just randomly come to mind. I mean, entirely severing a hand seems a bit extreme. And I know Jesus wasn't speaking literally when He said this, but just think about the implications. First, it's painful. Severing anything is painful. Second, It's willingness to knowingly put yourself through that pain because you are so committed to the bigger picture. Third, it's for your benefit ultimately, in order to save yourself. This leaves one to ask the question, what do I need to severe?

     First thing that came to mind? Coffee. I know, right? But seriously. I'm so co-dependent on it. It got so bad last semester that when I when I gave it up for finals week I had terrible migraines and was sick to my stomach for a few days. And it got me thinking. If it can cause this much harm not having it in my system what on earth was it doing to my system?  Caffeine is a drug kids. Don't do drugs- stay out of college. No, but honestly, caffeine is only a substitute for sleep, and a poor one at that. Let's bring this back spiritually then. How many things are we using as substitutes for a relationship and fufillment with Christ? And how many of us know it's just not satisfying?

     Which leads me into the second thing I need to severe, alcohol. And this one is tricky because unlike caffeine, I've never gone to an extreme point. I rarely have more than one, so what's the problem then if I'm never drunk? This one is more a matter of protecting myself. Every time I drink it is ultimately for acceptance. Acceptance from peers, who have never been proven to be a credible source when compared with the Living God. And its proven to be somewhat of a spiritual hinderance. I cannot focus on God when I am focusing on being accepted by the world. No one can serve two masters (Matthew 6:24) There's an old expression, "If you're worried about being burned, don't go near the fire." If your worried about being tempted, don't go near it. Don't even start down that path. Flee from it. Severe it from your life. Hmm, all of a sudden that doesn't sound so extreme does it?

     Last thing, and probably the hardest, idolatry. Particularily in the area of my love life. You know when you meet that guy, (or girl if you're a guy) and the whole world stops? And all you want to do is get to know that person on a much deeper level? And you're so excited that he talks to you and then you guys start becoming friends? And the next thing you know, you're wanting to spend more and more time with him? And the more you get to know him the more you think about him? Daydream about him? Take the time to put in some effort on your appearance when you know your going to see him? Well congratulations. You may have found your soul mate, but it's amazing how many times soul mate can coincide with idol. Even relationships that start off as Christ centured can oh so quickly turn. Or, if you're like me and still in the "single, but ready to mingle" department, it's amazing how many times I find myself upset and questioning, "Will it ever happen?" This is where I often have to take a step back and re-evaluate, who is my first love? Who really captivates me heart? Who come first? Who can't I live without for the rest of my life? If you're answer isn't God, I've got some advice. 1 Corinthians 10:14, "Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry."

     I can't speak for you, but these are areas in my life that need to be severed. Just quit cold turkey. Because I've done this before. I've realized I've had these bad habits and have tried to ween myself off of them little by little. But the problem is, it doesn't work. There is no half surrender. There is total surrender or none at all. And it's never easy. It's painful. So, to quote one of my favorite Disney villians, "Be prepared." You know it's gonna hurt. And that's why its so hard to do it, but ultimately, its to your benefit to do so. If anything takes the place of God in your life, cut it off! Don't give it a chance! Life will ALWAYS be so much better with Him in the center. I promise.

"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22