Confessions of an OCD FUGE Goer...

      Ask anyone in my family and they will immediately tell you I hate surprises. From the time I was little they have stressed me out beyond belief. When my parents surprised me with a puppy, I nearly had a meltdown on the way to pick him up. I always joke I'd be the easiest person to stalk. Except for a few random spontaneous outings with friends I live my life by routine. Some of you are reading this and saying "Wow, Rachel. You're so boring. Where's your adventure?" It's at this point I'd like to say I do have adventures, they're just planned. But I know my fellow OCD people will understand when I say it's also somewhat comforting having neat schedules and lists. I don't need to worry about the future because I know what I will be doing.

     It's this same line of thinking that has gotten me through the past four summers. I don't always know if I will be employed, where I will live, or how things will change since some of my friends have graduated, but I've always counted on the one certainty that I will be in school in the coming fall. But now all of that is changing in this next coming year. I find myself thinking, "I know NOTHING for sure!" Come the end of May I will be done with school and who knows where I'll end up? I could be employed working in Maine, or free-laboring it up in Australia. Or I could be a couch potato back home. Unlike fourteen of you this summer, I won't be getting married, I don't have a job I can fall back on, and I won't be applying for graduate school. This, ladies and gents, is where this OCDer starts freaking out! I love plans, and there is not one single thing I can plan! AH!

     As it so happens, this also seems to be the area that God has been working in the most. I'm finding myself challenged and convicted more and more to trust Him. And it's awesome! The future doesn't scare me so much anymore. Where I should be worried I now am finding peace. Where there once was meltdowns there now is trust. Because I've been really stupid. I've been counting on my own abilities and my own securites. But the fact is God is the consistency in my life. It's not school, family, friends, or work. It's God. Everything else can change, but He stays the same through the ages. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8). And Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that His plans are never to harm us. So why wouldn't we trust?

     Knowing this, I realized my big flop in life at FUGE camp. All my life I've been saying I wanted to be a marine biologist. It's what I declared upon that Kindergarten graduation stage. Sometimes I think I said it just out of hobby. But because its always what I planned to do, I never really consulted God on the subject. And don't get me wrong, I really do love it, but lately I've also been feeling other callings, particularly in the realm of nursing. And as it so happens, the areas of marine biology I love the most are the areas I could still volunteer in on weekends after possibly pursuing another career. This has been, and still continues to, weigh on my mind quite heavily. Much more prayer needed. But anyway, back to the big flop.

     The second to last day of FUGE one of my youth girls asked me to accompany her to her track time of "For Girls Only. (FGO)" I acquiesced assuming the topic was going to be like all the other FGO tracks I'd gone to even as a camper. What do I mean? The double B. Boys and Beauty. If there's two things teenage girls love to talk about it's boys and beauty. I knew it would be good stuff like how to be a godly girlfriend, how to find your value in God not what you look like, ect. But I was not expecting the topic of choice for that Thursday afternoon. How to give God your future. The minute Cameron (the leader) announced the topic my ears perked. "Okay, God. Where are you going with this?" All the girls had to write down what they wanted to be when they grew up. It's at this point where I regret to inform you I sarcastically wrote down "Employed." After a quick game of charades (yeah, good luck acting that one out) she challenged the girls that its not wrong to have wants and desires, but to hold those plans loosely because you never know how God might change them. And we need to be attentive and willing to obey his direction. Even if that means switching careers or like a lot of college kids, changing majors. I kid you not peeps, those were her words.

     Well, needless to say I was floored. This was definitely not on the boys chapter I had rehearsed my wisdom speech for. And I really didn't know what to say. I was so convicted. I sat there thinking, "Have I ever even asked God what He may want me to do with marine biology? Did I ever ask Him if He even wanted me to do it in the first place?" Excuse my language, but Oh crap, I hadn't! So, that folks is where the challenge now lies. I'm finishing out my Bachelors and seeing where God leads with it. It may be working with sharks and orcas, or it may be using it as a science background to explore other areas. I'm still praying and trying to figure out which way He wants me to go. And there still are somedays where I get overly stressed about it and I question everything, but I also know that God will lead you where He wants you. And its funny because it's always the place where you exactly needed to be. I haven't always gotten my way. I didn't get to go to Hawaii even though I got in. But I've needed to be at Long Beach. And God has ABUNDANTLY provided in all areas of life for me while I've been there. Knowing this gives me great comfort. It's like one of my roommates said, "God's already got the ending written. Stop trying to write the story." 

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." - Proverbs 16:9