Confessions of a Forgiven Soul...

There's nothing harder than saying you're sorry right? I beg to differ. Saying "I forgive you" and actually meaning it is way harder. Because that means letting go. Letting go of all the pain, the emotion, and a lot of times, the anger.

When I was seven years old I had the major heartbreak of having the church that I loved close its doors. For a while I was so angry because I was so devastated. This was the church my parents had met in; the church they had married in; the church that had helped them adopt me; the church I was dedicated and baptized in. How could God let this happen? I felt like he had let the devil win. I was extremely angry with the church elders because I knew that they had only voted to dispand because we were small and they wanted more numbers. Our church had a tremendous impact though on the community that they completely overlooked. We were the only church in the area and had recently started an apartment ministry. There was also another church just getting started that would meet in the afternoon. Not only were they left homeless, but many of our church families were too, some never to return.

For the longest time I was fighting with God. How could He let this happen? But to this day I am constantly reminded of how God is sovereign. It's eleven years later and that lot is still sitting empty on one of the most prime business districts in the town. Every attempted sale has fallen through. I don't know what He's got planned for that lot, but one of my prayer's is that nothing will be built on it until it's another church.

I was mostly angry with the deacons that had mislead the church in the vote to sell the property- implying that we would be buying another one, when that was really not their plan. And something I realized lately is that I'm not angry anymore, time has healed that, but I never really forgave them. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can yet. My heart is so bitter towards them still. I thought it was cruel of them to have the last service on Easter of all days! I watched, helplessly, as they bulldozed the walls. And every time I realize that I need to forgive them, those memories come back. But now I find myself thinking. How can what they did to me compare to what I do daily to Christ? And yet He still constantly forgives. Christ has forgiven us so much. Daily we tarnish His perfect name. Daily we become Judases and Peters. Daily we strike the hammer. But even as He was dying Christ set the perfect example of forgiveness. Luke 23:34, "Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.' And they divided up his clothes by casting lots." Notice that they did not change their behavior, but Christ forgave them anyway.

David Nasser explains that when we refuse to forgive people who have hurt us, all kinds of bad things can happen. First, we become bitter. Second, our bitterness drives wedges in our relationships. Imagine how non-believers see the forgiveness that Christ offers them through the cross when they see his followers unwilling to forgive someone who's wronged them. We can also experience a distance in our relationship with God. We may blame him for letting the hurt happen in the first place.

As Christians, we have the incredible resource and the responsibility to forgive. We can't do it out of our own strength, but through the strength God provides out of our experience through His forgiveness. So what do we do? We can pray for a softened heart. And we can pray for them. Pray that God will help us love that person. He may not change their heart, but He will change ours so we can love them. Ezekial 36:26. Let the bitterness die.