I've realized something lately. And it's something that actually kind of surprises me. I am actually a pretty competitive person. I never thought I was. I never cared if someone did better than me on a test or that I was second chair in band instead of first. None of those little things ever really got my attention. But I've realized lately, when it comes to sports, it's a whole different story. Which leads me to my anecdote. There I was at the gym, my usual Saturday afternoon ritual, pushing myself on the treadmill. I had just peaked at four miles and was pretty smiley that I hadn't even stopped for a break. I could feel my ankle starting to ache, my quads starting to burn, and my calves deciding they would join in the complainfest too, so I decided it was probably just about time to finish up. My back was soaked with sweat. It felt awesome! But, just as I was about to click the treadmill down this random girl walked up and picked the treadmill right next to mine. Normally, this wouldn't phase me, even if all the other ones were completely empty, but this girl was doggin' me I could tell. She walked up, stretched a little, glanced over at how many miles I had ran and my speed and scoffed. Yep, that's right, she scoffed. And that was it. That little disgusted noise was enough to get my blood boiling. It was going down. So I cranked the treadmill back up, going past my usual speed, and ran until she quit and got tired. Four more miles, psh. I gave a sweet smile of satisfaction as she climbed down. "That's right!" I thought. "Step off. What now? Scoff at me! I could outrun your butt any day!" My ego was astronomical at that moment. And then you know what they say, pride goes before a fall.
I made it down the stairs and out the rec center doors, but it was just about then that my muscles completely gave out. I fell. I couldn't stand anymore. Part of it was a symptom of whatever neurological condition I have, the other part was I had just flat pushed myself too far. As my legs remained numb for the next twenty minutes I sought refuge on the benches, which gave me time to think and God time to seriously convict.
I realized that I hadn't just had a moment of competitiveness because she scoffed. The truth was, I probably would have done the same thing even if she hadn't shot me that look. I had already done it to girls on the ellipticals. I had done it to girls in tennis in high school. Guys there was no worries. I knew and accepted the fact that they could outrun me, but as I flashed back to my tennis days I remembered how there was a time I was so extremely jealous of my best friend because she was better than I was. And it affected our friendship for a while. It led me down a road of constantly comparing myself to others and jealousy.
But then it hit me. I didn't know this treadmill girl. I didn't know her story, her struggles. I didn't even know what had happened to her that morning. And here I was ripping her apart in my mind. Berating her, insulting her. And even though she had no idea, she didn't need that. Each of us are hard enough on ourselves. She needed compassion, mercy, and gentleness. I was hit with Colossians 3:12, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." That jealous competitiveness I had towards her, and those self-loathing thoughts that followed via the comparison weren't good. They weren't holy. God didn't want me to think that way about her or myself. We are both His beautiful creations. It wasn't fair or right to treat her any differently (Titus 3:1-5).
And that's where the struggle comes in. Casting out those thoughts and replacing them with something holier. Because the truth is, my mind for the majority of the day is not filled with holy thoughts. It's filled with jealousy, discontentment, guys, and the shallow lies of the world. And it's time to make those thoughts go away. I've just let them sit there for so long, assuming that's just how it's going to be. It's not even a conscience act to think them anymore. They come so natural. But now it's time to get conscience. To pray for those thoughts to be removed. To clothe my mind in something holier because I've been trapped into believing that I have to live this way, but I don't. I'm called to something better. I'm called not only to have purity of heart and body, but purity of mind. God has saved and redeemed me. I have the power to be free. The power to renew my mind (Romans 12:2). I simply only have to ask.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)
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