Confessions of a Bad Patient...

Patient. That word can have numerous meanings. All of them seem to make you cringe. Whether it's knowing that you are going to have to wait fervently for something, or actually being a patient at a doctor's office, it is enough to make you shy away from ever purposefully going down that road. But it's funny how the two often coincide.

Enter my life. Over the past few weeks and continuing, I've learned quite a bit about patience. And ironically enough, it has come through being one. Being tested for multiple sclerosis and other neurological diseases tends to make you a little anxious. Not being able to feel the safety pin prick or touch my finger to the doctor's fingertip and back to my nose or walk heal to toe is frustrating. I should be able to do those things with no problem and I'm failing! And to be honest, sometimes its hard not to cry out to God and ask "Why? Why is this happening to me? Haven't I been through enough?" But its in these waiting rooms when I feel the most alone that I hear God speak, "You need me Rachel. I have not abandoned you. I am here. I am with you in this. Yes, you will have to endure some things. EMG tests are painful; brain MRI's are scary; the unknown and hospitals are terrifying. But I am God. You have nothing to fear." I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11. God does not plan harm for us. I must trust that somehow, even through all the blood tests, this will work out for my good.

And so here I stand. Going through one of the most difficult times in my life. And sometimes the fear is crippling. Sometimes I feel so alone. But God is still God. And despite all the chaos, there's perfect peace. "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day." (2 Timothy 1:12) And sometimes the hardest part is entrusting it. Because it means relinquishing the reigns- total surrender and letting go. But can I say, if I have learned anything these past couple of weeks, it's that it's worth it. I'm certainly not well enough equipped to handle it alone. Sometimes we all need to sit in a waiting room. That may be EXACTLY where God wants us."Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)