Confessions of a Convicted Gym Goer...

I've realized something lately. And it's something that actually kind of surprises me. I am actually a pretty competitive person. I never thought I was. I never cared if someone did better than me on a test or that I was second chair in band instead of first. None of those little things ever really got my attention. But I've realized lately, when it comes to sports, it's a whole different story. Which leads me to my anecdote.

There I was at the gym, my usual Saturday afternoon ritual, pushing myself on the treadmill. I had just peaked at four miles and was pretty smiley that I hadn't even stopped for a break. I could feel my ankle starting to ache, my quads starting to burn, and my calves deciding they would join in the complainfest too, so I decided it was probably just about time to finish up. My back was soaked with sweat. It felt awesome! But, just as I was about to click the treadmill down this random girl walked up and picked the treadmill right next to mine. Normally, this wouldn't phase me, even if all the other ones were completely empty, but this girl was doggin' me I could tell. She walked up, stretched a little, glanced over at how many miles I had ran and my speed and scoffed. Yep, that's right, she scoffed. And that was it. That little disgusted noise was enough to get my blood boiling. It was going down. So I cranked the treadmill back up, going past my usual speed, and ran until she quit and got tired. Four more miles, psh. I gave a sweet smile of satisfaction as she climbed down. "That's right!" I thought. "Step off. What now? Scoff at me! I could outrun your butt any day!" My ego was astronomical at that moment. And then you know what they say, pride goes before a fall.

I made it down the stairs and out the rec center doors, but it was just about then that my muscles completely gave out. I fell. I couldn't stand anymore. Part of it was a symptom of whatever neurological condition I have, the other part was I had just flat pushed myself too far. As my legs remained numb for the next twenty minutes I sought refuge on the benches, which gave me time to think and God time to seriously convict.

I realized that I hadn't just had a moment of competitiveness because she scoffed. The truth was, I probably would have done the same thing even if she hadn't shot me that look. I had already done it to girls on the ellipticals. I had done it to girls in tennis in high school. Guys there was no worries. I knew and accepted the fact that they could outrun me, but as I flashed back to my tennis days I remembered how there was a time I was so extremely jealous of my best friend because she was better than I was. And it affected our friendship for a while. It led me down a road of constantly comparing myself to others and jealousy.

But then it hit me. I didn't know this treadmill girl. I didn't know her story, her struggles. I didn't even know what had happened to her that morning. And here I was ripping her apart in my mind. Berating her, insulting her. And even though she had no idea, she didn't need that. Each of us are hard enough on ourselves. She needed compassion, mercy, and gentleness. I was hit with Colossians 3:12, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." That jealous competitiveness I had towards her, and those self-loathing thoughts that followed via the comparison weren't good. They weren't holy. God didn't want me to think that way about her or myself. We are both His beautiful creations. It wasn't fair or right to treat her any differently (Titus 3:1-5).

And that's where the struggle comes in. Casting out those thoughts and replacing them with something holier. Because the truth is, my mind for the majority of the day is not filled with holy thoughts. It's filled with jealousy, discontentment, guys, and the shallow lies of the world. And it's time to make those thoughts go away. I've just let them sit there for so long, assuming that's just how it's going to be. It's not even a conscience act to think them anymore. They come so natural. But now it's time to get conscience. To pray for those thoughts to be removed. To clothe my mind in something holier because I've been trapped into believing that I have to live this way, but I don't. I'm called to something better. I'm called not only to have purity of heart and body, but purity of mind. God has saved and redeemed me. I have the power to be free. The power to renew my mind (Romans 12:2). I simply only have to ask.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)

Confessions of a Confessor...

Who am I? This is an interesting question. Many people try to answer it in so many ways. I've posted before on identity so for the sake of not rehashing I'm going to let you know this is not a blog of who am I, but rather Who am I hiding? What is keeping me in the darkness? Who is this person that I'm so terrified people will see? Because the truth is, I know who I am. I'm an actress, and a pretty darn good one at that. But who I am hiding entails knowing what I am enslaved by- those unconfessed sins we walk around utterly petrified someone will find out about. Those things which if we let fester rob us of our joy. They rob us of our true identity.

They are our idols, our addictions, our shame. They are lies. They are sins. They are condemnation. They are those thoughts in our heads which say, "You can't tell someone that you did that! They will judge you!" And some might. But what about grace? What about those who fall under and live by grace? There is no judgement here- only salvation. No slavery to keep yourself hidden so no one will know, but freedom. Such freedom in surrender!

I have experienced such freedom. Years and years of hiding sins under the table, months of thinking I was the only one who struggled has finally led me to confession. I am Rachel. I am not perfect. I've struggled with depression, self esteem issues, people pleasing, eating disorders, porn (yes, girls watch it too and I've found hope in discovering I was not the only girl in the room who did), idolatry, anger, jealousy, and discontentment in comparing myself to others. But I have found I have been lied to. Yes, you should always be wise in choosing who you confess to. Not everyone can be trusted. But this week I met other girls who have struggled with every single one of these same issues. And we have all come together and trusted. Friendships have been formed. We have all come together realizing we are under grace. And where I once feared being rejected and cast away, I now find unity with my fellow sisters in Christ. I find common ground. I find acceptance. I find an inexplicable joy. I find hope. I find peace. I find love. I find forgiveness. I find thoughts of "Why did I not do this sooner? I would have if I knew it'd make me feel this way!" My chains are gone. Who am I hiding? No one. All has been exposed in the light (Ephesians 5:13). Who am I? I am free!

"Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD'-- and You forgave the guilt of my sin." (Psalm 32:5)

Confessions of a Bad Patient...

Patient. That word can have numerous meanings. All of them seem to make you cringe. Whether it's knowing that you are going to have to wait fervently for something, or actually being a patient at a doctor's office, it is enough to make you shy away from ever purposefully going down that road. But it's funny how the two often coincide.

Enter my life. Over the past few weeks and continuing, I've learned quite a bit about patience. And ironically enough, it has come through being one. Being tested for multiple sclerosis and other neurological diseases tends to make you a little anxious. Not being able to feel the safety pin prick or touch my finger to the doctor's fingertip and back to my nose or walk heal to toe is frustrating. I should be able to do those things with no problem and I'm failing! And to be honest, sometimes its hard not to cry out to God and ask "Why? Why is this happening to me? Haven't I been through enough?" But its in these waiting rooms when I feel the most alone that I hear God speak, "You need me Rachel. I have not abandoned you. I am here. I am with you in this. Yes, you will have to endure some things. EMG tests are painful; brain MRI's are scary; the unknown and hospitals are terrifying. But I am God. You have nothing to fear." I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11. God does not plan harm for us. I must trust that somehow, even through all the blood tests, this will work out for my good.

And so here I stand. Going through one of the most difficult times in my life. And sometimes the fear is crippling. Sometimes I feel so alone. But God is still God. And despite all the chaos, there's perfect peace. "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day." (2 Timothy 1:12) And sometimes the hardest part is entrusting it. Because it means relinquishing the reigns- total surrender and letting go. But can I say, if I have learned anything these past couple of weeks, it's that it's worth it. I'm certainly not well enough equipped to handle it alone. Sometimes we all need to sit in a waiting room. That may be EXACTLY where God wants us."Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)