Confessions of a Forgotten Journal...

I was really struggling. I wasn't depressed, but I felt..... worthless. A few friends had posted some exciting news and I was happy for them, but yet I was once again reminded of how everybody's lives are coming together and moving forward and mine just feels, well.... stagnant. I'd like to say I have ambition, but truth is I don't anymore. I've run out. I'd like to say I know what I want to do and have the motivation to do it, but truth is I don't. I don't want to put in the work anymore because it has amounted to absolutely nothing. All that time and energy filling out job applications, trying to get into classes, for what? I've found myself the past few days being so sick of my circumstances, but yet having absolutely no desire to change them. I wish jobs just fell out of the sky. I wish friendships weren't so much work to maintain. I wish I could go back to being 130 pounds when I thought I was fat. I wish I knew whether to pursue nursing, psychology, or teaching. I wish I had a money tree and could pursue things without any road blocks by either my finances or stupid laws of the California education system. I wish I could get up and move to Tennessee. I really do. Or maybe South Carolina. But most of all I wish that I didn't have to wish and that something- ANYTHING would happen. I wish I had hope. I wish I knew what to do about it. 

These were the thoughts that were going through my mind last night when I was sitting on my bed staring off into space. Through blurry teared vision I glanced over at my television. "Maybe I'll just watch some tv and get my mind off things." That's why I love books so much. They transport me out of my life. But upon my mini staring contest with my television (I lost by the way) I noticed my old prayer journal sitting there. It had a sufficient science experiments worth of dust collected on it. You could say it's been a while since I talked to God about myself. I pray for others. Those prayers get answered. But I quit praying for myself. Those prayers never got answered. So my journal has sat there for a while to say the least. But I thought, "Ah, what the heck?" I picked up the journal and began to write. A page and a half later I finished. Discouraged, I really didn't feel much better after, like I remembered usually feeling after finishing a journal entry. Was it because God felt so distant? Yeah, I think so. Was it because I really didn't even know what to pray about? Mhmm. Was it because I doubted my circumstances would change? I'd be lying if I said no. 

So there I was, my pencil led shaved down quite a bit and my journal entry finished.  No better off than before I started. Just for kicks I flipped to the beginning of the journal, remembering how back in the day I used to enjoy looking through old entries to see what had changed. And sure enough, just as I predicted, I found a few good laughs over prayers to get over old crushes. Man was I boy crazy. RIP the hopeless romantic me. It also contained some old sermon notes and even song lyrics that had touched me. And then I came to something really interesting. I don't really know why my eye caught it, it just did. It was an old journal dated way back to March 17, 2011. I was a sophomore in college at the time. The circumstances were different than now, but as I read I was amazed at how much the words in that entry echoed what I had just dotted down. I've been through this before? Hmm, didn't recall that. 

What struck me though wasn't that journal entry. It was actually a few pages over. It was dated April 5th and another April 6th, 2011. I had written down two quotes I'd heard or read- I can't remember which:

1. "When a wound is infected a doctor may stop the infection by cauterizing it. He takes a red hot tool and sears it, burning away the rotten flesh and leaving only what can be healed. God does this to us. He did it to Isaiah in Isaiah 6:6-7. It is a DRASTIC method and it hurts like hell. But once it's done, the only thing left is the part that can heal."
2. "Rachel, everything that happens in your life- good and bad- passes through My sovereign hand. If I allow it, I have a reason for it. There is more at stake here than your present circumstances. I care more about your character than your comfort. Nothing separates you from my love. I'm for you. If I'm for you, who can be against you? Give me time to work. -God"

Do I need to say more? Maybe I should read over old entries more often...