Confessions of a Forgotten Journal...

I was really struggling. I wasn't depressed, but I felt..... worthless. A few friends had posted some exciting news and I was happy for them, but yet I was once again reminded of how everybody's lives are coming together and moving forward and mine just feels, well.... stagnant. I'd like to say I have ambition, but truth is I don't anymore. I've run out. I'd like to say I know what I want to do and have the motivation to do it, but truth is I don't. I don't want to put in the work anymore because it has amounted to absolutely nothing. All that time and energy filling out job applications, trying to get into classes, for what? I've found myself the past few days being so sick of my circumstances, but yet having absolutely no desire to change them. I wish jobs just fell out of the sky. I wish friendships weren't so much work to maintain. I wish I could go back to being 130 pounds when I thought I was fat. I wish I knew whether to pursue nursing, psychology, or teaching. I wish I had a money tree and could pursue things without any road blocks by either my finances or stupid laws of the California education system. I wish I could get up and move to Tennessee. I really do. Or maybe South Carolina. But most of all I wish that I didn't have to wish and that something- ANYTHING would happen. I wish I had hope. I wish I knew what to do about it. 

These were the thoughts that were going through my mind last night when I was sitting on my bed staring off into space. Through blurry teared vision I glanced over at my television. "Maybe I'll just watch some tv and get my mind off things." That's why I love books so much. They transport me out of my life. But upon my mini staring contest with my television (I lost by the way) I noticed my old prayer journal sitting there. It had a sufficient science experiments worth of dust collected on it. You could say it's been a while since I talked to God about myself. I pray for others. Those prayers get answered. But I quit praying for myself. Those prayers never got answered. So my journal has sat there for a while to say the least. But I thought, "Ah, what the heck?" I picked up the journal and began to write. A page and a half later I finished. Discouraged, I really didn't feel much better after, like I remembered usually feeling after finishing a journal entry. Was it because God felt so distant? Yeah, I think so. Was it because I really didn't even know what to pray about? Mhmm. Was it because I doubted my circumstances would change? I'd be lying if I said no. 

So there I was, my pencil led shaved down quite a bit and my journal entry finished.  No better off than before I started. Just for kicks I flipped to the beginning of the journal, remembering how back in the day I used to enjoy looking through old entries to see what had changed. And sure enough, just as I predicted, I found a few good laughs over prayers to get over old crushes. Man was I boy crazy. RIP the hopeless romantic me. It also contained some old sermon notes and even song lyrics that had touched me. And then I came to something really interesting. I don't really know why my eye caught it, it just did. It was an old journal dated way back to March 17, 2011. I was a sophomore in college at the time. The circumstances were different than now, but as I read I was amazed at how much the words in that entry echoed what I had just dotted down. I've been through this before? Hmm, didn't recall that. 

What struck me though wasn't that journal entry. It was actually a few pages over. It was dated April 5th and another April 6th, 2011. I had written down two quotes I'd heard or read- I can't remember which:

1. "When a wound is infected a doctor may stop the infection by cauterizing it. He takes a red hot tool and sears it, burning away the rotten flesh and leaving only what can be healed. God does this to us. He did it to Isaiah in Isaiah 6:6-7. It is a DRASTIC method and it hurts like hell. But once it's done, the only thing left is the part that can heal."
2. "Rachel, everything that happens in your life- good and bad- passes through My sovereign hand. If I allow it, I have a reason for it. There is more at stake here than your present circumstances. I care more about your character than your comfort. Nothing separates you from my love. I'm for you. If I'm for you, who can be against you? Give me time to work. -God"

Do I need to say more? Maybe I should read over old entries more often...

Confessions of a Warmed Heart...

So there I was. Picture the seen if you will. Pajamas. Mug of green tea. Getting all nice and cozy in my Shamu blanket- don't judge- with my pup resting on my toes. Just perusing facebook like I normally do at odd hours of the day. When a video on my news feed caught my eye. It was titled, "If you're alive you might have your dad to thank." Puzzled, I began watching as a series of short videos unfolded before my eyes. I watched video after video of a father's quick reflexes saving their kids from falling off of swing sets, getting hit by baseballs, falling off of the couch, etc. I was amused, entertained, and amazed. So there I was, contentedly watching these videos and all of a sudden they turned rather serious. Father's were saving their kids lives from runaway cars, drowning in a pool, aggressive dogs, speeding down a hill and crashing into a brick wall, and many others. Well, crybaby that I am I was really touched. So much so that by the end of it I was crying. I blame hormones. But needless to say it really warmed my heart seeing not only these father's quick reflexes, but also just how selfless they were in these acts. I saw dads jumping in front of their kids without any regard for their own lives. They didn't know if it would work. They didn't know if they would be killed in the crossfire. They didn't care. 

I feel like dads today get a bad rap in a lot of ways. And some of them is because they've never done anything to deserve the title of father. It can make it seemingly hard to relate then to a perfect heavenly father. Because even those who are lucky to have a good earthly father know he's not perfect either. One of the hardest parts about getting older is you become ever more increasingly aware of the faults of your parents. Hard when you've idolized them so much as a kid. 

I've been in church my whole life. I've heard an altar call every Sunday. I've quoted John 3:16 more times than I care to remember about God loving the world so much he sent his Son to die. I'm no stranger to it. I know Christ paid the ultimate price for my sins. I know He gave up his life for mine. But I think I've become so numb to hearing it, its lost the weight it once had. It happens to many of us. And then we watch movies like The Passion of the Christ and we're reminded of the horrific death. And it humbles us when we once again realize how awful it was. And I'm not discrediting those experiences, but I know for me sometimes I focus so much on the cross, so much on the act of the death itself, or on the other extent, so much of the freedom gained because of it, that I lose sight of WHO was dying. I lose sight of a perfect and sovereign God who chose that His son would die for a sinful and fallen world. I lose sight of the fact that Jesus was no stranger to the horrificness of the cross. That He knew every detail about His death. That he knew the car was coming and that it would strike and kill him. And yet, he did it anyway. Why? To push me out of the way. He looked at us and said, "Better me than them." Thats humbling. Really humbling. But thats not the end of the story. My father didn't just die in my place. He didn't just push me out of the way. He destroyed the car. He completely obliterated it so it would never threaten me again. I am not now, nor will I ever be again condemned by my sins. Its done! 

Watching that video warmed my heart. Reflecting on the sacrifice of the cross and the aftermath of it brings me to my knees.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are." -1John 3:1

Confessions of a Late Night Lamenter...

 I've done a lot of thinking. Isn't that how all of these blogs ultimately started? And as per usual it's 1 AM. I guess some things never change. The other day I found myself trying to fix the crashed and messed up blogger site that I've had since 2010. I began to reflect on that year. The places I went, the people I knew, the hope I still had for the future of my career. A lot has changed. A lot of trials have come. Some have gone, others are staying for the extended weekend, and other are that aunt that you have to remind her she doesn't actually live with you. Could I say I'm all the wiser for going through it? Sometime yes. But could I also say I'm all the bitter for it too? Most definitely. I'd love to sit here and say I found joy and I'm all the more grateful for my trials. But frankly we're just not there. It's funny though, being in youth ministry I always cautioned my kids not to get bitter with God. That it would do no good. And yet have I taken my own advice? No, not really.

Dare I say I'm more than bitter? I have no right to be. I'm well aware. But I'm also at a place where I'm fed up. I'm tired of the lonely nights crying myself to sleep because I don't have hope for the future. I'm tired of the depression. I'm tired of interview after job interview after job interview. I'm tired of the literally thousands of applications and yet getting no response. I'm tired of knowing I'd be a great worker and yet being told I don't have enough experience. I'm tired of watching people who lie, cheat, steal get ahead. Im tired of people earning money for stupid reasons like selfishness and vanity. I'm tired of watching friends suffer. I'm tired of watching friends have babies knowing I never can. I’m tired, so so so tired, of going to funerals. I’m tired of everyone I love dying, or having to go through some sort of struggle. I'm tired of being asked the question "What are you doing with your life?" And having absolutely no answer to give. I don't know. I'm almost 27 years old and I don't know. Because I fought so hard for so long to do the things I wanted, the things I did know, and nothing has worked. Every door has been slammed in my face. So what? What does that leave me with? God? Do I really even talk to him anymore? I pray for others. Absolutely. But not myself. I gave up having any desires for myself. How many nights did I scream in the darkness with no answer? I feel abandoned. People tell me He will guide. I'm still waiting. I get it. We give such a hard time to Job's wife for saying "Curse God and die" I'm not saying my experiences equate to hers, but I get it. I totally get it. She reached a point where she'd just had enough.

And yet.... I keep living. That must be for something. I keep hoping. I lie in bed and I'm thankful for my family. And I'm thankful for my friends. And I'm thankful for my home. And I'm thankful for my health even though half the time I'm such a hypochondriac I'm convinced I'm dying. I'm thankful for my dog, who is always making me laugh and literally is the only reason I get up some mornings. I'm thankful that I live in America. I'm thankful that I have doctors I can go to. I'm thankful I never have to worry about how I'm going to eat that day. I'm thankful for music. I'm thankful for painting. I'm thankful for my car. I'm thankful for garlic bread- don't you dare judge me!- I'm thankful for people's talents. I'm thankful I can use my talents to make other people's lives better. I'm thankful that the painful experiences I've had have made me the person I am today. I'm thankful that I'm stronger because of them. I'm thankful for the beach. I'm thankful for the internet so I can connect with friends I would otherwise never see again. I'm thankful... I'm thankful.... I'm thankful...but am I thankful for my current situation? Nope. Should I be?

I compare everything to where I've been. The past is constantly on my mind. The people I've buried, the ones I've left behind, the adventures I used to have, the way I used to look. It's my ultimate weakness. I cannot move forward because I'm stuck in the past. And I'm frozen in time because I'm so afraid of the future. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of never being able to afford my own roof over my head. I'm afraid of my parents dying and being left to clean out an entire home filled to the brim with stuff by myself. I'm afraid of losing friends. I'm afraid of running out of money. I'm afraid of being absolutely miserable again in a job. And I can't just trust God because we're not speaking, remember? Or so that's what my bitter heart tells me...

I lament. I lament and lament and lament over the way my life used to be. But am I really lamenting the experiences and people? Or am I lamenting the fact that I turned bitter and walked away from the One who loves me most? The fact that I curse the same One who broke the curse of sin and death? The fact that I'm angry with the one who has every right to be angry with me and yet shoes compassion time and time again? Am I lamenting the fact that I don't trust the one who has proven Himself faithful over and over? That I feel alone with the omnipresent? That I feel hopeless when I think about the source of hope and joy? That I feel abandoned by the One who calls me His own? That I give myself anxiety attacks instead of bringing it to the one who says "come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened"? Do I lament that I seek proof for the existence of my Creator? That I doubt the power of the Almighty? That I question the authority of the Most Sovereign? 

Do I lament accusing the One who has done no wrong?

Do I dare accuse the One who has done no wrong?

“We have heard with our ears, O God; our fathers have told us what you did in their days, in days long ago. With your hand you drove out the nations and planted our fathers; you crushed the peoples and made our fathers flourish. It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them. You are my King and my God, who decrees [2] victories for Jacob. Through you we push back our enemies; through your name we trample our foes. I do not trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame. In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever. Selah But now you have rejected and humbled us; you no longer go out with our armies. You made us retreat before the enemy, and our adversaries have plundered us. You gave us up to be devoured like sheep and have scattered us among the nations. You sold your people for a pittance, gaining nothing from their sale. You have made us a reproach to our neighbors, the scorn and derision of those around us.You have made us a byword among the nations; the peoples shake their heads at us. My disgrace is before me all day long, and my face is covered with shame at the taunts of those who reproach and revile me, because of the enemy, who is bent on revenge. All this happened to us, though we had not forgotten you or been false to your covenant. Our hearts had not turned back; our feet had not strayed from your path. But you crushed us and made us a haunt for jackals and covered us over with deep darkness. If we had forgotten the name of our God or spread out our hands to a foreign god, would not God have discovered it, since he knows the secrets of the heart? Yet for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression? We are brought down to the dust; our bodies cling to the ground. Rise up and help us; redeem us because of your unfailing love.” -Psalm 44