Confessions of a Late Night Lamenter...

 I've done a lot of thinking. Isn't that how all of these blogs ultimately started? And as per usual it's 1 AM. I guess some things never change. The other day I found myself trying to fix the crashed and messed up blogger site that I've had since 2010. I began to reflect on that year. The places I went, the people I knew, the hope I still had for the future of my career. A lot has changed. A lot of trials have come. Some have gone, others are staying for the extended weekend, and other are that aunt that you have to remind her she doesn't actually live with you. Could I say I'm all the wiser for going through it? Sometime yes. But could I also say I'm all the bitter for it too? Most definitely. I'd love to sit here and say I found joy and I'm all the more grateful for my trials. But frankly we're just not there. It's funny though, being in youth ministry I always cautioned my kids not to get bitter with God. That it would do no good. And yet have I taken my own advice? No, not really.

Dare I say I'm more than bitter? I have no right to be. I'm well aware. But I'm also at a place where I'm fed up. I'm tired of the lonely nights crying myself to sleep because I don't have hope for the future. I'm tired of the depression. I'm tired of interview after job interview after job interview. I'm tired of the literally thousands of applications and yet getting no response. I'm tired of knowing I'd be a great worker and yet being told I don't have enough experience. I'm tired of watching people who lie, cheat, steal get ahead. Im tired of people earning money for stupid reasons like selfishness and vanity. I'm tired of watching friends suffer. I'm tired of watching friends have babies knowing I never can. I’m tired, so so so tired, of going to funerals. I’m tired of everyone I love dying, or having to go through some sort of struggle. I'm tired of being asked the question "What are you doing with your life?" And having absolutely no answer to give. I don't know. I'm almost 27 years old and I don't know. Because I fought so hard for so long to do the things I wanted, the things I did know, and nothing has worked. Every door has been slammed in my face. So what? What does that leave me with? God? Do I really even talk to him anymore? I pray for others. Absolutely. But not myself. I gave up having any desires for myself. How many nights did I scream in the darkness with no answer? I feel abandoned. People tell me He will guide. I'm still waiting. I get it. We give such a hard time to Job's wife for saying "Curse God and die" I'm not saying my experiences equate to hers, but I get it. I totally get it. She reached a point where she'd just had enough.

And yet.... I keep living. That must be for something. I keep hoping. I lie in bed and I'm thankful for my family. And I'm thankful for my friends. And I'm thankful for my home. And I'm thankful for my health even though half the time I'm such a hypochondriac I'm convinced I'm dying. I'm thankful for my dog, who is always making me laugh and literally is the only reason I get up some mornings. I'm thankful that I live in America. I'm thankful that I have doctors I can go to. I'm thankful I never have to worry about how I'm going to eat that day. I'm thankful for music. I'm thankful for painting. I'm thankful for my car. I'm thankful for garlic bread- don't you dare judge me!- I'm thankful for people's talents. I'm thankful I can use my talents to make other people's lives better. I'm thankful that the painful experiences I've had have made me the person I am today. I'm thankful that I'm stronger because of them. I'm thankful for the beach. I'm thankful for the internet so I can connect with friends I would otherwise never see again. I'm thankful... I'm thankful.... I'm thankful...but am I thankful for my current situation? Nope. Should I be?

I compare everything to where I've been. The past is constantly on my mind. The people I've buried, the ones I've left behind, the adventures I used to have, the way I used to look. It's my ultimate weakness. I cannot move forward because I'm stuck in the past. And I'm frozen in time because I'm so afraid of the future. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of never being able to afford my own roof over my head. I'm afraid of my parents dying and being left to clean out an entire home filled to the brim with stuff by myself. I'm afraid of losing friends. I'm afraid of running out of money. I'm afraid of being absolutely miserable again in a job. And I can't just trust God because we're not speaking, remember? Or so that's what my bitter heart tells me...

I lament. I lament and lament and lament over the way my life used to be. But am I really lamenting the experiences and people? Or am I lamenting the fact that I turned bitter and walked away from the One who loves me most? The fact that I curse the same One who broke the curse of sin and death? The fact that I'm angry with the one who has every right to be angry with me and yet shoes compassion time and time again? Am I lamenting the fact that I don't trust the one who has proven Himself faithful over and over? That I feel alone with the omnipresent? That I feel hopeless when I think about the source of hope and joy? That I feel abandoned by the One who calls me His own? That I give myself anxiety attacks instead of bringing it to the one who says "come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened"? Do I lament that I seek proof for the existence of my Creator? That I doubt the power of the Almighty? That I question the authority of the Most Sovereign? 

Do I lament accusing the One who has done no wrong?

Do I dare accuse the One who has done no wrong?

“We have heard with our ears, O God; our fathers have told us what you did in their days, in days long ago. With your hand you drove out the nations and planted our fathers; you crushed the peoples and made our fathers flourish. It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them. You are my King and my God, who decrees [2] victories for Jacob. Through you we push back our enemies; through your name we trample our foes. I do not trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame. In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever. Selah But now you have rejected and humbled us; you no longer go out with our armies. You made us retreat before the enemy, and our adversaries have plundered us. You gave us up to be devoured like sheep and have scattered us among the nations. You sold your people for a pittance, gaining nothing from their sale. You have made us a reproach to our neighbors, the scorn and derision of those around us.You have made us a byword among the nations; the peoples shake their heads at us. My disgrace is before me all day long, and my face is covered with shame at the taunts of those who reproach and revile me, because of the enemy, who is bent on revenge. All this happened to us, though we had not forgotten you or been false to your covenant. Our hearts had not turned back; our feet had not strayed from your path. But you crushed us and made us a haunt for jackals and covered us over with deep darkness. If we had forgotten the name of our God or spread out our hands to a foreign god, would not God have discovered it, since he knows the secrets of the heart? Yet for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression? We are brought down to the dust; our bodies cling to the ground. Rise up and help us; redeem us because of your unfailing love.” -Psalm 44