Well, here we are folks. Over one year since my last blog, but non-the-less trying it again. It's been so long I barely remembered my password to my blogger account. I half expected them to have deleted the site or something. Anyway, I figured it'd been a while since I typed out all the thoughts in my head, so I figured it was time to get back to it.
A lot has happened in one year. I've graduated college, started working, moved back home, made friends, lost friends, gained weight, lost weight, been happy, been sad. My life certainly is not stable. And to be honest, right now is certainly a trying period. I've really been struggling with my faith. I've just become so discouraged in life in general. I can't get a job. I'm living back with my parents (who I love, but its definitely an adjustment). I'm surrounded by a constant display of friends who are either getting married or having babies and I'm wondering if I'm ever going to be on that path. My much-desired independence seems like it is slowly slipping from my grasp one step at a time. Even my hopes for the future like being a nurse are slowly starting to seem impossible to attain. This has not only taken a toll on me emotionally, but also spiritually. I begin to question if I am being punished for something. I lack the hunger and a desire that I see growing in my youth kids to pursue God. The love of quiet times that I once had in the morning isn't really there. My kids come to me and they have questions and I feel like I don't have answers anymore. Even my daily Bible reading has slipped into a, well, lets just call it a coma.
As you can well imagine, its really hard to blog about God working in your life when you're daily questioning where He is in it. But my mom once told me, "I know you're struggling. And even if you don't feel like reading your Bible or listening to christian music, do it. Keep doing it." My momma is a pretty smart lady sometimes.
So, it was tonight as I was sitting here alone, bored out of my mind. Wishing I could go to the gym but knowing my body needed a day of rest, that I was just staring at that Bible sitting on my coffee table. I had just opened it this morning. I forgot how much I loved the story of Esther. Every time I read it its like I'm hearing a whole new version and something I hadn't heard before. Anyway, back to the present moment.There I was, staring at my Bible and I thought, "Okay. I'll open it." So I picked it up and turned to Proverbs. I was in a proverbial wisdom kind of mood. Made it threw a couple chapters when I stumbled upon Chapter 3 verses 11 and 12, "My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those He loves, as a father the son he delights in."
Thats when it kind of hit me. I've really been getting disciplined by God lately. I've kind of already known this. It hasn't been all that subtle. But what also hit me was what I read after that. I've really been resenting God for his rebuke. In fact, lately, eighty five percent of my feelings towards God lately have honestly been resentment. Ask my family, I have not been a happy camper. I willingly admit it. And it goes much more beyond, "Times are hard. So much is uncertain. It's frustrating." No, I've been really angry at God. I've shut Him out completely and said, "I don't like You very much right now. Until my life starts getting good again, no offense, but I really don't want to chat."
But this is where I stand convicted in two areas. First, this is not the kind of christianity we are called to live. Nowhere in the Bible does it preach a "follow God when things are good" gospel. Nope. Heart, mind, soul, strength all the time. End of discussion. Second, It says immediately following in Proverbs 3, "the LORD disciplines those He loves." It sure doesn't feel like God loves me sometimes. But this is the sole purpose of faith. For "faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1) I cannot yet see God bringing this for my good. I cannot see how He loves me. I cannot understand His purpose for this. I cannot see what will come of it. But I know. I know He loves me. I know I will learn something good, even if it was a lesson I didn't really want to learn. I know that somehow this time I'm in now fits into the the perfect plan He has for my life. And that brings hope.
Life isn't exactly easy right now. The future is uncertain. I'm literally walking around confused and wondering where to go like a lost puppy. But who knows? Maybe it is all working for my good and even more importantly, God's good. Maybe I am learning valuable lessons and growing in ways I couldn't any other way. Maybe I have been called "For such a time as this." (Esther 4:14).
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