Hi there, me again. Yeah, remember me? The one you are all worried about because she seemed clinically depressed and hopeless in her last post. Well, fear not, I'm okay. Anyway, I don't really know how to start this post. Usually I have some cute little anecdote or some super emotional wallowing tale. But not today. Today I'm in more of a direct and to the point kind of mood. Why? Because God has been direct and to the point.
He has just been pouring and pouring and pouring. I've been constantly learning this past week. Its like never ending. But I can't really think of how else to describe everything I've been learning except to put it in a dialogue format. It's probably because I've been watching a lot of t.v. lately. You'll have to excuse me. But sometimes I seriously wish epic soundtrack music played in the background of my life. But I'm digressing. So here we go. I feel like if I had a face to face, or at least a phone call with God this past week it would have looked something like this. So without further ado, here's a tidbit into my life. Enjoy.
Me: "Why God? I just want a job! Is that too much to ask?"
God:"Rachel, I want you to want ME more."
Me: "God I do want you, but sometimes its hard."
God: "Because your love is conditional only when things are good?"
Me: "Because I'm human?"
God: "I have unconditional love for you. And I command you to love me with your heart, soul, mind, and strength."
Me: "God I try, but its hard with all these distractions. Is it so bad to want to live in Long Beach? Want to be a nurse? Want a husband? Thats really it. Give me those and I'll be good. Not nearly as much as other people want. I want a simple life. Never been the Cinderella fairytale kind. Don't care for a big house, or huge wedding. Give me a $100.00 dress, a groom, and a beach I can walk barefoot on. Thats it. No mansion, no BMW or Mercedes. A job, a love, a beach. Thats it God!"
God: "Rachel, I want you to want ME more."
Me: "But is it wrong to want other things?"
God: "Do you want them more than me?"
Me: "But is it so wrong?!"
God: "You're not answering my question, Rachel."
Me: "I want not to want them more than You. But does that mean I can't want them?"
God: "Are they idols?"
Me: "Yeah, kind of."
God: "I don't tolerate idols."
Me: "I know."
God: "I love you. Why would I put a stumbling block in your path?"
Me: "Because I want them."
God: "Rachel I want you to want ME more."
Me: "But why can't I want You AND them?"
God: "Rachel, you're very stubborn sometimes."
Me: "God, that wouldn't be the first time I've heard that."
God: "That stubbornness will have its place, but not now. Want me, Rachel. Love me."
Me: "I do!"
God: "Above all else?"
Me: "Well....."
God: "I see. Don't worry, we'll work on that."
Me: "But God, don't you care?"
God: "Of course I do!"
Me: "But then God why did you let this happen?"
God: "Why did I not prevent the storm when the disciples got in the boat with Jesus?"
Me: "To prove your power?"
God: "To prove my Authority. I had the power to calm the storm all along. If thats what I wanted to do I needn't not gotten in the boat at all. I could have demonstrated that from the shoreline. I wanted the disciples to see my authority over the waters. You can have the power to tackle a bad guy, but unless you have the authority to arrest him and put him away, it does you no good. He'll still go free."
Me: "So?"
God: "My authority is greater than my power and neither are dependent on your feelings or what you think. I am not 'I Feel' or 'I Think'. I am the 'I AM.' And you thoroughly recognize and call upon my power. But do you recognize my Authority as LORD of your life?"
Me: "Got me there."
God: "I thought so. And another thing...."
Me: "Uhoh."
God: "You wholly praise my restraint, endurance, and patience when it comes to judgement on your sin, right?"
Me: "Yeah. Thanks for that by the way."
God: "Then part of accepting me for who I AM and my character is accepting that I am patient, compassionate, and enduring always, right?"
Me: "Yes?"
God: "So in my love?"
Me: "Yes."
God: "In my punishment for sin?"
Me: "Yes."
God: "In dealing with your suffering?"
Me: "What?!"
God: "Why is it I'm allowed to take my time in dealing with your sin, but not in resolving your suffering? Do I not do everything for a purpose? Has it not occurred to you this time of waiting is bringing about something good?"
Me: "Is this more of that 'God is developing my character' blah blah?"
God: "No, It's not. I'm not developing your character, Rachel."
Me: "Whew what a relief."
God: "Because you won't let me."
Me: "What? Why do you say that?"
God: "You're angry with me aren't you?"
Me: "Well, a little to be honest."
God: "You think I've been unfair?"
Me: "No, I'm just tired of waiting. How long do I have to wait for what I want."
God: "Rachel, I want you to want ME more."
Me: "And we're back to square one..."
God: "No we're not. I'm already changing you. You never go backwards with me. And don't be so hasty. You never know what I am working in the background."
Me: "God, I hate secrets."
God: "Rachel, I hate distrust. Where's your faith?"
Me: "Thats what I've been asking myself."
God: "First honest thing you've said all night. Don't worry, I am making a new creation."
Me: "God, I'm a mess."
God: "No. You are my child. And it's going to be okay. Now get some rest, you'll need it."
Me: "Why?"
God: "Because you're going to ask me the same questions tomorrow. And I will keep revealing more and more of myself to you."
Me: "But God, whats the point of this?"
God: "I am refining you."
Me: "That seems like a lot of work."
God: "It is. But its worth it."
Me: "Will I never get the other things I desire then?"
God: "Do I not bless abundantly? You may not get exactly what you want now, but trust me, follow me and your life will be better than you ever imagined."
Me: "But God, why bother refining me at all?"
God: "Because Rachel, I want you to want ME most..."
END SCENE
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