Confessions of a Never Ending Battle...

Hi there, me again. Yeah, remember me? The one you are all worried about because she seemed clinically depressed and hopeless in her last post. Well, fear not, I'm okay. Anyway, I don't really know how to start this post. Usually I have some cute little anecdote or some super emotional wallowing tale. But not today. Today I'm in more of a direct and to the point kind of mood. Why? Because God has been direct and to the point.

He has just been pouring and pouring and pouring. I've been constantly learning this past week. Its like never ending. But I can't really think of how else to describe everything I've been learning except to put it in a dialogue format. It's probably because I've been watching a lot of t.v. lately. You'll have to excuse me. But sometimes I seriously wish epic soundtrack music played in the background of my life. But I'm digressing. So here we go. I feel like if I had a face to face, or at least a phone call with God this past week it would have looked something like this. So without further ado, here's a tidbit into my life. Enjoy.

Me: "Why God? I just want a job! Is that too much to ask?" 

God:"Rachel, I want you to want ME more." 

Me: "God I do want you, but sometimes its hard."

God: "Because your love is conditional only when things are good?"

Me: "Because I'm human?"

God: "I have unconditional love for you. And I command you to love me with your heart, soul, mind, and strength."

Me: "God I try, but its hard with all these distractions. Is it so bad to want to live in Long Beach? Want to be a nurse? Want a husband? Thats really it. Give me those and I'll be good. Not nearly as much as other people want. I want a simple life. Never been the Cinderella fairytale kind. Don't care for a big house, or huge wedding. Give me a $100.00 dress, a groom, and a beach I can walk barefoot on. Thats it. No mansion, no BMW or Mercedes. A job, a love, a beach. Thats it God!"

God: "Rachel, I want you to want ME more."

Me: "But is it wrong to want other things?"

God: "Do you want them more than me?"

Me: "But is it so wrong?!"

God: "You're not answering my question, Rachel."

Me: "I want not to want them more than You. But does that mean I can't want them?"

God: "Are they idols?"

Me: "Yeah, kind of."

God: "I don't tolerate idols."

Me: "I know."

God: "I love you. Why would I put a stumbling block in your path?"

Me: "Because I want them."

God: "Rachel I want you to want ME more."

Me: "But why can't I want You AND them?"

God: "Rachel, you're very stubborn sometimes."

Me: "God, that wouldn't be the first time I've heard that."

God: "That stubbornness will have its place, but not now. Want me, Rachel. Love me."

Me: "I do!"

God: "Above all else?"

Me: "Well....."

God: "I see. Don't worry, we'll work on that."

Me: "But God, don't you care?"

God: "Of course I do!"

Me: "But then God why did you let this happen?"

God: "Why did I not prevent the storm when the disciples got in the boat with Jesus?"

Me: "To prove your power?"

God: "To prove my Authority. I had the power to calm the storm all along. If thats what I wanted to do I needn't not gotten in the boat at all. I could have demonstrated that from the shoreline. I wanted the disciples to see my authority over the waters. You can have the power to tackle a bad guy, but unless you have the authority to arrest him and put him away, it does you no good. He'll still go free."

Me: "So?"

God: "My authority is greater than my power and neither are dependent on your feelings or what you think. I am not 'I Feel' or 'I Think'. I am the 'I AM.' And you thoroughly recognize and call upon my power. But do you recognize my Authority as LORD of your life?"

Me: "Got me there."

God: "I thought so. And another thing...."

Me: "Uhoh."

God: "You wholly praise my restraint, endurance, and patience when it comes to judgement on your sin, right?"

Me: "Yeah. Thanks for that by the way."

God: "Then part of accepting me for who I AM and my character is accepting that I am patient, compassionate, and enduring always, right?"

Me: "Yes?"

God: "So in my love?"

Me: "Yes."

God: "In my punishment for sin?"

Me: "Yes."

God: "In dealing with your suffering?"

Me: "What?!"

God: "Why is it I'm allowed to take my time in dealing with your sin, but not in resolving your suffering? Do I not do everything for a purpose? Has it not occurred to you this time of waiting is bringing about something good?"

Me: "Is this more of that 'God is developing my character' blah blah?"

God: "No, It's not. I'm not developing your character, Rachel."

Me: "Whew what a relief."

God: "Because you won't let me."

Me: "What? Why do you say that?"

God: "You're angry with me aren't you?"

Me: "Well, a little to be honest."

God: "You think I've been unfair?"

Me: "No, I'm just tired of waiting. How long do I have to wait for what I want."

God: "Rachel, I want you to want ME more."

Me: "And we're back to square one..."

God: "No we're not. I'm already changing you. You never go backwards with me. And don't be so hasty. You never know what I am working in the background."

Me: "God, I hate secrets."

God: "Rachel, I hate distrust. Where's your faith?"

Me: "Thats what I've been asking myself."

God: "First honest thing you've said all night. Don't worry, I am making a new creation."

Me: "God, I'm a mess."

God: "No. You are my child. And it's going to be okay. Now get some rest, you'll need it."

Me: "Why?"

God: "Because you're going to ask me the same questions tomorrow. And I will keep revealing more and more of myself to you."

Me: "But God, whats the point of this?"

God: "I am refining you."

Me: "That seems like a lot of work."

God: "It is. But its worth it."

Me: "Will I never get the other things I desire then?"

God: "Do I not bless abundantly? You may not get exactly what you want now, but trust me, follow me and your life will be better than you ever imagined."

Me: "But God, why bother refining me at all?"

God: "Because Rachel, I want you to want ME most..."

END SCENE

Confessions of an Out of Practice Blogger...

     Well, here we are folks. Over one year since my last blog, but non-the-less trying it again. It's been so long I barely remembered my password to my blogger account. I half expected them to have deleted the site or something. Anyway, I figured it'd been a while since I typed out all the thoughts in my head, so I figured it was time to get back to it.

     A lot has happened in one year. I've graduated college, started working, moved back home, made friends, lost friends, gained weight, lost weight, been happy, been sad. My life certainly is not stable. And to be honest, right now is certainly a trying period. I've really been struggling with my faith. I've just become so discouraged in life in general. I can't get a job. I'm living back with my parents (who I love, but its definitely an adjustment). I'm surrounded by a constant display of friends who are either getting married or having babies and I'm wondering if I'm ever going to be on that path. My much-desired independence seems like it is slowly slipping from my grasp one step at a time. Even my hopes for the future like being a nurse are slowly starting to seem impossible to attain. This has not only taken a toll on me emotionally, but also spiritually. I begin to question if I am being punished for something. I lack the hunger and a desire that I see growing in my youth kids to pursue God. The love of quiet times that I once had in the morning isn't really there. My kids come to me and they have questions and I feel like I don't have answers anymore. Even my daily Bible reading has slipped into a, well, lets just call it a coma. 

     As you can well imagine, its really hard to blog about God working in your life when you're daily questioning where He is in it. But my mom once told me, "I know you're struggling. And even if you don't feel like reading your Bible or listening to christian music, do it. Keep doing it." My momma is a pretty smart lady sometimes. 

     So, it was tonight as I was sitting here alone, bored out of my mind. Wishing I could go to the gym but knowing my body needed a day of rest, that I was just staring at that Bible sitting on my coffee table. I had just opened it this morning. I forgot how much I loved the story of Esther. Every time I read it its like I'm hearing a whole new version and something I hadn't heard before. Anyway, back to the present moment.There I was, staring at my Bible and I thought, "Okay. I'll open it." So I picked it up and turned to Proverbs. I was in a proverbial wisdom kind of mood. Made it threw a couple chapters when I stumbled upon Chapter 3 verses 11 and 12, "My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those He loves, as a father the son he delights in."

     Thats when it kind of hit me. I've really been getting disciplined by God lately. I've kind of already known this. It hasn't been all that subtle. But what also hit me was what I read after that. I've really been resenting God for his rebuke. In fact, lately, eighty five percent of my feelings towards God lately have honestly been resentment. Ask my family, I have not been a happy camper. I willingly admit it. And it goes much more beyond, "Times are hard. So much is uncertain. It's frustrating." No, I've been really angry at God. I've shut Him out completely and said, "I don't like You very much right now. Until my life starts getting good again, no offense, but I really don't want to chat."

     But this is where I stand convicted in two areas. First, this is not the kind of christianity we are called to live. Nowhere in the Bible does it preach a "follow God when things are good" gospel. Nope. Heart, mind, soul, strength all the time. End of discussion. Second, It says immediately following in Proverbs 3, "the LORD disciplines those He loves." It sure doesn't feel like God loves me sometimes. But this is the sole purpose of faith. For "faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1) I cannot yet see God bringing this for my good. I cannot see how He loves me. I cannot understand His purpose for this. I cannot see what will come of it. But I know. I know He loves me. I know I will learn something good, even if it was a lesson I didn't really want to learn. I know that somehow this time I'm in now fits into the the perfect plan He has for my life. And that brings hope. 

     Life isn't exactly easy right now. The future is uncertain. I'm literally walking around confused and wondering where to go like a lost puppy. But who knows? Maybe it is all working for my good and even more importantly, God's good. Maybe I am learning valuable lessons and growing in ways I couldn't any other way. Maybe I have been called "For such a time as this." (Esther 4:14).