Confessions of a Veteran Blogger...

Well folks, here we are. One hundred blogs. To be honest, I never thought we'd reach this point when I was starting out four years ago. Just another testament to God's faithfulness over the years I guess.  And so, it only therefore seems fitting that after 99 other confessions I present one more. Summer is ending and I really really don't want it to. Shocking I know. Neither do the other 3 millions kids going back to school.

It's funny to me. After years of wishing to get out of Bakersfield and 3 summer's home from college not being able to wait until I could return to the beach, I find myself not wanting to leave. I love my youth kids! If I could just stay and hang with them all day I would take that opportunity in a heartbeat. I've no doubt that the minute that car door closes and I start heading down the grapevine there will be some tears. But I'm also encouraged and reminded of  Philippians 1:6, "...that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." And I have plenty of reasons to smile. I've seen growth this summer in my youth. I've seen new kids come to know the Lord and develop a passion for Jesus. I see God working in the lives of those in our youth group. I see unity developing. God's not done with my kids yet! He's still actively working in their lives and will continue to do so! They are in His perfectly capable hands. Vessels of the fleet may come and go, but the course stays true. "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:14) Of course, in the spirit of complete honesty, I do have to also confess that this vessel who has been temporarily dry docked is hoping to return to the fleet in the very near future. 

But in some ways I think its good being dry docked every now and then. And it doesn't mean that your ministry ends entirely, not by a long shot! But sometimes, taking a quick step away  gives you the chance to fix and tune the things that still need to be fixed and tuned. It's just you and God, the Master Craftsman.  And I realized, I still need a lot of work! I'm a pretty crummy vessel sometimes. 

One of the things that really struck my heart recently was when our Pastor asked during his sermon, "When was the last time you prayed for something to be taken away from you?" And he wasn't making mention to something like an illness or a test or project (I pray for that all the time), but an idol. BOOM conviction like no other brother! Because I have idols in my life. The biggest one? Probably my love life. I wonder about who I will marry way more than I should. I get discouraged when I see fourteen of my friends getting married this summer and I'm still a terminal bachelorette, never having dated. I start questioning God, "Any time now! If you wanted to have him walk through my door now I wouldn't be opposed!" If I start developing a little crush on somebody its only a matter of time before I start thinking about him way more than I should. And dreaming with the "Well maybe's" and "What ifs?" And I've struggled with it for years. And over and over I have prayed, "God, help me put you first. Help me not to make him my idol. Help me not to read too much into things. Help me just to enjoy having a godly brother in Christ in my life." But have I ever prayed "God, take him away from me?" Ummm, no! That's crazy talk! That's way too hard! I plan ways I can spend time with him. Asking God to end all that and remove him entirely because of my lack of emotional self-control? 

The truth is, we're really stupid to wander away in the first place. Are we that ignorant that for a moment we believe our life could get any better than it is with God? Why is it that we only return to Him when the others fail to satisfy after we know all along they won't? I seriously want to slap myself sometimes and be like, "DUH!!!"

 The other, and more sad truth, is, it's funny how the things that we so often say, "God I can't do that" are actually doable. Like letting those idols go. Like praying for temptation to be taken away from us. Like fleeing from it. If we were really honest with ourselves the truth is we really mean, "God, I WON'T do that." 

Lord, forgive me. I don't want to say no anymore.....

"She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.'" -Hosea 2:7

Confessions of an In-line Skater...

All right people, get your round of applause ready. Why? Because the other day this extremely clumsy, accident prone girl went in-line skating with all my youth kids and I DIDN'T FALL ONCE. I know right?! It was a miracle in and of itself. Actually, none of our kids ate it too bad. There was one casualty, however. We shall call her Susie. Now, Susie is one of my soon to be freshman girls. And she had never been skating before. Leaving her to be entirely vulnerable to the Claw Machine. You know exactly the one I'm talking about don't you? The one that sucks your dollars into its evil machine and you never get that stuffed animal. Or, if you do, you find you've paid twenty bucks for a purple puppy you could have gotten at Dollar Tree. Kiddy slot machines is what they are.

Well, that is where this story begins. Towards the end of the general session my ankle was rapidly reaching that "Hey you idiot, remember me? Yeah I'm injured and permanently weak and now I'm going to remind you of that" stage so I stopped to take a break. And that is when I spotted Susie. A look of desperation crossed her face as she inserted dollar after dollar just hoping that the claw would rotate enough to snag the elephant. I was torn. Part of me wanted to encourage her to see it through and didn't want to tell her to just cut her losses and give up, but the broke college student side was going "That's almost half my weekly grocery bill." Finally Susie did overcome the machine and ended up with a lime green cow, which she preceded to show around for about ten more minutes, and then got bored with it saying she would give it to her sister.

Two thoughts come to my mind when I think about all this. 1) That scene from Disney's Toy Story where the little green aliens say "Claw's our master. Claw chooses who goes and who stays." and 2) How many times do we do that with sin in our lives? We know the end result. We know its never going to satisfy any sort of long term, but yet how many of us find ourselves making it the masters of our own lives? How many of us keep pouring in tons of time, energy, and money into something thats essentially cheap junk? We stand there futilely and say, "It will be worth it. It will get better. It will make me happy." Because sometimes the prizes do look good. But they never are. And we realize it all too late. And once we do, we say we'll never do it again, but ten minutes later, we end up right back at the machine, thumb on red button, ready to go again. It reminds me of Hosea 2:7, "She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.'" Oh how much would our faith grow if we were as desperate for God as we were to sin. 

 

Susie had this same experience. And I think it speaks wonders to accountability partners because just as Susie was starting to insert yet another dollar, a friend came up and stopped her. This friend told Susie her dollar would be better spent getting a gatorade from the snackbar. Something that would nourish and replenish her. 

How awesome is it that we can have these friends in our lives who help get us back on the right track and make sure we stay there? And how awesome is it that we have the Holy Spirit living inside us which is constantly reminding us to spend our time getting replenished and seeking nourishment?

I knew Susie would learn her lesson about her rookie mistake of falling prey to those machines, but what I never could have guessed was the lesson her leader would obtain from watching her.

"For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. What the true proverb says has happened to them: “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire.” -2 Peter 2: 20-22

Confessions of a Rusty Pianist...

You know whats cool? God gives us talents. I know at this point you're probably like "Yeah. And?" But no, seriously, take a minute. Think about it for a second. Why does He do that? Again the immediate Sunday School answer comes to mind, "for His glory." But just think about what that entails. God gives you this gift, right? And as the old parable goes, "To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey." (Matthew 24:15) I think, there in our trying to understand and interpret this verse we sometimes loose sight of its significance. So many times the lesson ends up being, "We're all different. Everyone has different talents. And we can all use them for God's glory." This is truth. But the biggest picture I'm seeing here is that they are meant for specifically that- God's glory. Thats the main focus of this passage. It's not just a lesson on diversity, it's about properly using what you're given! That's why the man going on a journey got so mad with the servant who buried his talent. I mean, technically the servant did do something with it, and that something wasn't even necessarily a bad thing. But it wasn't what the master had purposed it for. Maybe y'all had previously caught that. But I've been hearing and tuning this story out for years without that lightbulb clicking on.

It's something that has dawned on me lately. I've been a lousy manager. Growing up and in high school I was a pianist, saxophonist, flutist, baker, writer, theater geek, tennis player, guitarist, cheerleader (Gasp, I know. Those were dark days, okay? )   and on and on. And people would say, "You have a talent for this." (Well, they never said that about being a 230lb cheerleader, but you get my point.) But yet, coming out of high school I didn't keep up any of those temporary professions! Maybe I was gifted in these areas, but my passion and my heart for them just kind of fluttered away. They became old hobbies that I happened to be good at that I had once done, instead of things that still drove me. I've been reflecting on this thought for some time and have been asking myself why this is so. Here's what I've concluded: I wasn't using those gifts properly.

I had a lot of fun doing these various tasks, but they lacked one important thing- fulfillment. There was no purpose behind it other than simple enjoyment. But that just seems kind of shallow, don't you think? Eventually I didn't get as much enjoyment as I had once had. If this was a romantic relationship, this is the point where you could say the spark fizzled. And as I sit here and look at my dusty saxophone, I think its safe to say it died in some cases. Sorry for the neglect saxy.

This story is not a tragic ending however. I've re-discovered some of my loves again. The passion is back! I find fulfillment. I find joy. And the difference is so simple, yet so powerful- God. He makes all the difference. I get it now. I find the most joy when I'm at my piano working on worship songs (current addiction: "Never Alone" by Matt Redman) I'm understanding why I like to write so much- I can blog about what God is teaching me! I love baking cookies and putting smiles on people's faces, just to let them know they're loved. It sounds so entirely simple, but at the same time, profound. God gives us talents because He has specific purposes planned for them. Who knows! Maybe my shower karaoke can even be of some use! And news flash, it's not just for your entertainment and pleasure. It's ministry! Everyone of these talents has furthered my ministry to OTHERS! I always wondered why I enjoyed these areas when I was never going to do anything professionally in them. It's been awesome beyond words to see what He's done. God's super creative! He's done things with them I never would have guessed! But then again, I guess thats part of what makes God God. And it convicts me to put time with my other talents up for grabs and see what He does.  

I feel like the girl who's been eating splenda packets her whole life when she could have had double fudge brownie ice cream. You just never know how good and satisfying something is until you have it as its designed to be.