Confessions of a Former Twilight Fan...

     I've been doing a lot of "house cleaning" over the past couple of days. My closet has thoroughly been swept through and my floor now looks like a hurricane hit. I'm tempted to pile all my old, too big, clothes up and jump- much like my inner four year old still wants to do when the leaves fall. Anyway, it was on one of these "cleaning" (and I say cleaning in quotes because it's really just moving the mess around) days that I discovered something I think will continue to haunt me from my past until the day I die. You have to understand though, I was the queen of hopeless romantics. Literally, I even thought it would be romantic to die young. Yep, I was that girl. You know, the one walking around with her head in the clouds, who believes love can conquer all. The one dreaming of meeting Prince Charming around every corner, who she planned to graciously fall into after not watching where she was going because her head was stuck in the latest romance novel. The girl who's itunes was composed of 95% love songs, 2% country songs, and 3% country love songs. The one who wanted to be married at 18 more than anything. Thank God I didn't get what I wanted. That's all I have to say now.


     But it was just as I was thinking about how much things have changed that my dark part of my past came back to haunt me. Now, I'm going to share it with y'all. I believe there truly is freedom in confession. Okay, take a moment Rachel. Just get it off your chest. Here we go.... I own a t-shirt with Edward Cullen's face on it. Phew, glad thats over. It's true, I was a die hard, #1 fan Twilight junkie. I even had the "Team Edward" Burger King crown. "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." ;) You fellow fans know this quote well. 


     But now I find myself angry with Twilight. Even to the point of ranting. First of all because I grew up in the generation when vampires were scary, not sparkly, and second of all because of how shallow Edward and Bella's love really is. And you're getting these married, 40 year old women, who should know better, that are going completely gaga because they think this is what their husbands should be like. You want your husband to love you as a tick loves his next blood meal? Or as a psychotic stalker loves the person he's creeping on? Really? REALLY?! This frustration that there should be something more had been festering inside for quite some time, but I never knew how to express it. That was until Sunday.


     Here's a new definition of marriage for you. The coming together of body, soul, and spirit. And you have to have all three. But as the pastor explained, the word "love" is too general. The greeks had it right. They broke it down into further definitions. Eros love is the passionate, physical attraction, love. It's the coming together of the body. Phileo love is the love of one on the level of morals, interests, habbits, ect. It is essentially the coming together of the souls. And last, but most definitely not least is Agape love. It is the coming together of spirit. Having like faiths, ministering with each other, essentially all spiritual "stuff". 


     But here's the secret. The number one reason most relationships are doomed to fail from the beginning. They're starting with the wrong love! Most start off with Eros love. It makes no difference among christian or non-christian. I've done it. Admit it folks, it's the basis of our culture. Can you say one night stands? Diets? Hollywood? Strapless bikinis? (That's a whole other rant in and of itself. But I mean seriously, how is that practical for swimming. The minute I dive into the pool that thing is sliding right off) There's a reason Edward Cullen was made out to sound more sexy than God. There's a reason Taylor Lautner was not hired for the second movie until his 8 pack came in. And while looks aren't bad- it's not wrong to find someone attractive- they're given too much importance. Because eros is the most shallow form of love. And if you start there, that's all you'll ever get. So many people make that mistake. They want a connected, deep, meaningful relationship. They long for someone who wants them for more than the fact that they look good on their arm, but that's where they start. It's like want a taco but starting with beans, cheese, and flour tortillas. Sorry darling, but you're stuck with a burrito.


     So where should you start? Agape. Why? Because that's ultimately the most important anyway. Agape allows you to see the person for who they are, not how they ideally fit you. You're not looking at a person and saying "I like him because he's attractive, or I like him because he does this or we have this in common." That's all selfish. Agape means taking that person for how they are, not how you've fantasized them to be in your daydreams. It's unconditional. Its impossible for it to be selfish because its based solely on them. You don't even factor into the equation. And thats what makes love so beautiful. But I think it's also really cool that God has a perfect place for all three, even eros- have you read Song of Soloman?!


     Bella and Edward's love? Re-read your books folks. It's Eros. (Because it certainly wasn't her personality that attracted him) My lasting crush love? Eros with a hint of phileo. But I've realized I've already screwed it up. We can't ever be in a relationship because this stupid hopeless romantic has already gone and doomed us. Because when I think about it, he's a great guy. He really is! And that's what makes it so hard to just let it go. But I honestly don't think I could ever love him for him anymore. Because now it'd be too hard to separate him from the perfect guy in my head I've made him out to be. The guy I want him to be and the needs I want him to fix. I'm trying to force my eros to be an agape and it can't be done. Not to mention I'm looking for fulfillment in the wrong place. I mean geez, filling that lonely hole in your heart? That's a lot of pressure for a guy! He's not meant to ever fill it. He can't, even if he tried.


     I used to live by the slogan that said "I'm just a Bella looking for my Edward." I used to think it was a romantic saying. But it's nothing compared with "I'm waiting discover my body, soul, and spirit life partner. It's going to be such a beautiful thing." Now that folks, is top notch romanticism. 


"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13)