Confessions of a Weight Loss Goal...

The summer always brings a chance of reflection. It's my time to sit back, unwind, get what needs to be done done, and get ready for the next school year. But probably my favorite part is at the end where I take a step back and examine the goals I've set for myself and establish new ones. Goals for the summer: Weight loss? Check. Eating healthy? Check. Seeing old friends? Check. Money? Check. Relaxation? Double Check. Getting over someone? Mmm half checked. Growing in my relationship with God? Can you ever fully check that off?. All of this equates to a pretty successful summer in my book. So, as I was sitting contemplating my new goals I thought, "What's left?"

Well I have a new weight loss goal thanks to John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease." And we're not taking about body fat here people. What weight do I need to lose? My ego, my selfishness, my pride, my stubborness, my timidity, my fear of rejection, my careing too much about what others think- the list could go on for pages. Now, I don't know about you, but that sounds a whole lot harder than dropping a few pounds. But I have to do it. It doesn't say I would like to decrease, but I must. It's necessary. Why? Because I'm crippling myself.

For most people, when you loose weight it makes you a healthier, happier person. I am better able to perform the tasks I need to. The same is true spiritually. If I'm not in top physical condition spiritually, how on earth can God use me to my full purpose? Now, this doesn't mean that even now when I'm spiritually obese I don't have a purpose. He's still making good use out of me. But how much more could be done if the ratio became 10% Rachel 90% God instead of 80% Rachel 20% God?

So friends, that is my new goal. I can't sit around eating chocolate anymore. I can't go through this whole Christianity thing only picking out the sweet stuff. There is work to be done. There are lost friends that need to know. I've got to start training. And here's another thing that 75 posts worth of blogs has taught me. God is faithful. He will help me. He will do things that you can never imagine were possible. Sometimes, it takes a lot of patience, but the number on that scale of "me, myself, and I" will drop.

Confessions of a Prodigal Purity Ring...

It's almost shameful to admit this, but I just finished secretly squealing in giddy excitement over a piece of jewelry. You see, I had this purity ring. And combined with the sentimental value of how I got this ring I truly did love it. It fit me so well- style wise that is. Size wise it was a bit loose. The truth is that I should have been smart and put the thing on a chain a long time ago. I wouldn't even make if out of the dorm door and it would have already slipped off my finger. My poor resident assistant must have returned the darn thing to me at least four times. I'm amazed he didn't threaten to superglue it to my finger. It was even kind of a running joke amongst the suite. Anytime anyone said "I found this ring in the hallway" my roommates would all say "It's probably Rachel's." The sad fact: most of the time it was :/.

Well, the day finally came where this beloved ring slipped off my ring finger for the last time. I searched and searched, but to no avail. I mean, seriously, I was crawling up and down the hallway looking for this thing, leaving sticky notes on my friend's doors telling them to keep an eye out. But every time I checked the resident office's lost and found I was only greeted with cell phones, bracelets, and the occasional hair clip. After about a month I gave up hoping that it would just magically show up.

After 5 months, I was sitting at home one day and I decided I wanted another one. But I'm very stubborn. I didn't want to have to pick out a new ring, I just wanted one like I already had. I searched for hours trying to find one I liked, but nothing screamed Rachel like my old one. I tried everything I could to find the old design, but no luck. Well, after another two hours of searching I had resigned to give up and post a depressing "But I don't want a new ring. I just want my old one back," facebook status when low and behold I stumbled upon an ebay ring that looked similiar. In my last attempt I clicked on the manufacturer's link and low and behold next to the picture of the ebay ring was my ring! My ring, fit just for me. As if I had designed it myself. I was so excited that I had searched for so long and finally found it that I gave a squeal of delight.

Well, the next day my assigned quiet time reading was Luke 15: 8-10, the parable of the woman who had ten silver coins and she lost one- a far more costly loss than a $40.00 ring. I sat there thinking, "Nicely played God." I've heard this story before and always thought that it was a bit odd that after she found the coin she called her neighbors and threw a party saying "Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin!" (vs 9) This time I got it. Not that I'm throwing a party over my ring, but it may make a status update.

For the first time I understood the depth of this parable. You see friends to Christ we are the valuable coin (or ring). Something irreplaceable. Something so dear He will do everything in His power to find it. And He never stops seeking because His power is limitless.

The woman does not take a lax attitude towards her lost possession. No. First she lights a lamp, necessarily expending oil, so that she can see clearly. Next, instead of simply glancing here and there, she sweeps her house so that she can reach places that might otherwise be inaccessible to her. Above all, she searches carefully. There is no hint of indifference, only diligence. This coin was valuable; she must find it at all costs. When we are lost sinners, we are not just “out there” somewhere away from God. God longed for us so much that He took the ultimate action; He offered up His Son as a sacrificial lamb. This He did to reconcile us to Himself. He would go through any means- any expense- to save us.

We are all individuals of great importance to the Father. The woman could have been content to possess the remaining nine coins, but she wasn't. Just as Christ desires for ALL to know Him. The story that follows this parable drives the point home even more. The parable of the prodigal son demonstrates the love and forgiveness of the father. Not only was the son lost, but he had royally blown it.

It fills my heart with joy to think of how special we are to Christ. According to my google search there are 2.1 billion other Christians in the world. Before me there were probably a similiar number. But still Christ was not satisfied. He wanted me. He had 2.1 other people and still He wanted me. And He wanted you. And He searched for us until we were found. And those that are lost He still pursues. And that's the most baffling concept. Not only that a Holy, Perfect, and Sanctified God loves us because we are His creation and wants a relationship with us, but that HE pursues US. I have nothing left to do but fall down in gratefulness. Mind. Blown.

"But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” (Luke 15:32)

Confessions of an Exposed Rachel...

Most of the time I like to write uplifting yet challenging posts. I attempt (whether I actually succeed is up to you) to show my funny side in my writing. But before you read much further I'd like to warn you. This as a whole, is not a happy post. In fact, I have spent many hours debating whether or not to even post it. It's not going to make you laugh. It's not going to provide spiritual insight in a humorous and entertaining way. It's not going to make you think of me as the usually upbeat, genuinely happy and bubbly self that I normally am. But this will hopefully give you encouragement if you struggle with the same things I do and insight to my other side. The other side that says, "Hey, I bleed occasionally. I'm a real girl, with real struggles." Even as I write this now my hands are shaking because I haven't eaten hardly anything today. I'm almost afraid to. So, if you want to get to know the whole Ray Ray, keep reading, because this is me- raw and exposed.

I have titled this blog "A Thought on the Lies of the World and Testimony of God's Healing," because that's exactly what this story is about. You see, I'm a bookworm. And recently I was reading a book called "Captivating" (Highly recommend). One of the chapters dealt with wounds and overcoming them. I read on about how the way this woman's father treated her had affected her relationships. I read story after story of examples from other women how the wounds they had received as little girls affected them now, not just from fathers, but from mothers, friends, classmates ect. And to be honest, at first I didn't think it related. I have great friends and family. At first I was a little annoyed with it actually. I thought, "she's opening a doorway for people to dig up or even potentially create problems were there are none." It reminded me of that whole spiel that we always hear about where someone goes to a shrink and the parents are ALWAYS to blame.

But then when I finished, I took some time to think. I never much payed any attention to my wounds. They never seemed big enough to deal with. Sure I didn't have the highest self esteem and confidence level. I still have achne. I still have a terrible fear of talking to guys my own age (something which by the grace of God I have come a long way on this past schoolyear and relates back to the confidence thing) Yeah, maybe sometimes I don't like the way I look. But these weren't big things. They were just stuff that normal twenty year olds dealt with. And I was working through them, so why was "the source" so important? And that's when it hit me. Because the source was a lie. It was a lie that Satan had used to attack my heart over and over and over again. And I didn't recognize that until I gave credit to what had initially caused all this.

What I realized is, Satan knows my weakness. He knows directly where to throw the spear. He has had an outright attack on my beauty and my self esteem since before I even realized what it was. Because here's the truth. From the time I can remember, boys my own age have been making fun of the way I look. Since fourth grade I have gotten every fat girl joke, every you're so ugly joke known to man. You name it, I've dealt with it. Anywhere from the fake valentine grahams saying "Hey baby you're so hot, will you be my girlfriend. Love your secret admirer" and being laughed at when I actualy thought they were serious, to random guys just outright messaging me on myspace or facebook and telling me that I was the ugliest person they'd ever seen. I had no idea who they were. There was no rhyme or reason behind it. And this didn't just happen once, but year after year. In fact my most recent message came just a few weeks ago. And after a while it got to me. After a while of constantly being bombarded with these lies and not finding any guy who would stand up and contradict them I began to believe they were true. And I realized that’s why I'm afraid of men. That's why the minute one walks into the room I want to run in the opposite direction. Most guys just think I'm being standoffish, but the truth is I'm terrified and want to get out before they say anything because I worry they'll repeat history. Author Stasi Eldredge puts it perfectly when she says "A woman who is living a self-protective life is a woman who is living out of a broken, wounded heart." Which is why as a side note I challenge any guy reading this. Be careful what you say to even just your gal pals. You never know how much power your words have. And if you think a girl is beautiful, tell her.

I don't say this next thing to make you feel sorry for me, but I have never once had a guy my age tell me that I'm beautiful. But my point is, is that now even if one did, I don't think I'd believe him. You see, I've let these lies rule my life so much, that now even when good things come along I almost don't trust that they're good. I blew these wounds off as nothing but stupid memories and instead have caused them to fester. My friends, please do not follow down this road. It is extremely dangerous and very hard to come back from. If you know something is hurting you, address it now. Don't let the infection spread. Because here is the hope. You can come back from it. God does heal.

I'm in recovery. And the first step as part of that recovery is recognizing that these things I once called truths are just the opposite. They are nothing but evil, an attack on the truth. I piss Satan off, and these ugly messages are nothing more than his way to try to get back at me. And he's tactful. He goes right to my wellspring of life- my heart (Prov. 4:23) Which is why that verse also warns to guard your heart. You may not struggle with beauty issues, but you struggle with something. I challenge you to be on your upmost guard, alert at all times because satan is on the move. I can't put it any better than 1 Peter 5:8 "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

Part of knowing that they're lies is recognizing the truth. And the truth is that I make Satan angry because I am God's Girl. And he hates that. God calls me His own and reconciles me to Himself. God has saved me and paid the ultimate price of His Son's life because He loves me so much. God calls me His beautiful masterpiece, the prize and crown of His creation. That's the truth of my beauty. That's what I cling to when I'm not so happy looking in the mirror. And anything said or any doubt I have against that is a bold-faced lie. The end. Period. No if and's or butts.

The last step is to forgive and let God heal you. He wants you. His truth will set you free (John 8:32). He will do everything it takes to make that happen. But you have to let go of it. Trust me, He can take it. This is were I am now. And it's a long journey, a journey I've honestly only just begun, and I journey I sometimes have to restart because I go off and try to handle things on my own. But I know I will get there because God has already proven Himself faithful to me numerous times before.

I hope you found this post hopeful. I hope it gives you strength to share your struggles with others and encourage them. I know just in the few people I have already shared these thoughts with, I have found tremendous strength and comfort. Because I'm fortunate enough that I'm not alone in this. A good majority of my girl friends struggle with the exact same thing. But even if you don't share, I hope most importantly that you learn to recognize a lie for a lie. And I hope that you learn to run to God not as a last resort as we so often do, but the minute things go bad. And trust me, we live in a fallen world. Even if you've had no struggles thus far, don't worry, you will.

I'd like to leave you with this final thought. It is Stasi Eldredge's lamen's terms paraphrase of Isaiah 61:1-3 and I absolutely love it: "God has sent me on a mission. I have some good news for you. God has sent me to restore and release something. And that something is you. I am here to give you back your heart and set you free. I am furious at the enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him. Let me comfort you. For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upn you where you have only known devestation. Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow. And I will robe your heart in thankful praise in exchange for your resignation and despair."