Confessions of a Crappy Blogger...

The New Year always brings resolutions. But for me it's mostly a time for reflections. A chance to look back on the previous year and see the good, the bad, the ugly. So, as I was randomly sitting contemplating my existence one night a thought occurred to me. I haven't been blogging lately. As a not so subtle sign, that same week I received a letter in the mail from a pen pal saying she missed reading my blogs. Then, this past week another dear friend of mine again questioned why the "Confessions of a..." had suddenly disappeared. Well, this thought really bothered me. Because I read back through all the other confession blogs and I was amazed at what God was teaching me. I was amazed at how passionate I had been for Him. I was amazed at how much He had almost made a ministry out of taking a few short minutes a couple of times a week and blogging. So I asked myself, why haven't I been blogging lately?

The answer my friends, not so great. Why haven't I been blogging lately? I can lie and tell you it's because I've been busy. I can say there was just too much to do. I can say God had called me to other ministries. But that's not actually what happened. The truth? I stopped being inspired. And I stopped being inspired because I stopped looking for inspiration (God).

Now, normally I'm not one for regrets, but I kind of feel like this past semester was a waste. I mean, yeah I got the majority of the class work that needed to be done finished, but I realized, I really didn't feel like me this semester. And I began to wonder what changed. I'll tell you what changed- where I sought my identity.

See I've been the textbook example of "on-fire Christian who buys into the lies of the world" this past semester. And let me just say, it doesn't work. I put my identity in what others thought of me. I became a people pleaser doing things and saying things to feel accepted and included. But what did I end up with? A ruined self-esteem and like a permanent state of PMS-I was seriously a you-know-what this past semester. I got so frustrated because I knew that this "girl" that I'd fashioned and was displaying was not who I really was. It was truly an identity crisis. I'd look in the mirror and not even recognize her.

Luke 9:23,25, "Then he said to them all: 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?'"

Well, it’s no wonder I’m having an identity crisis! I have forfeited my very self! I was defined by God. He was my Maker, my Creator, my Savior, my Father, my LORD. And I, not Him, but I have removed myself. I’ve thrown Him to the wind and said, “Forget you God. You don’t define me anymore. I define me.” Biggest mistake I have ever made. Because I am NOTHING without Christ. I have no purpose, no motivation, no anything. And now I am a heartbroken lover, standing by the side wishing for things to go back to the way they were. Wondering how they ever stopped being the way they were. Consumed by my idol. Given in to temptation.

I feel like a crazy ex-girlfriend. I miss God. I miss having Him on my mind. I miss talking to Him fervently. I miss hearing His voice. I miss my quiet times. I miss His Joy. I miss Peace. I miss being able to blog about what He has been teaching me. I miss looking, seeing, and being amazed at how He was involved in every tiniest minutest detail of my life. Dare I say, I even miss the conviction of trusting Him with my love life.

My identity changed when I forsook my first love. And I forsook my first love for acceptance. Acceptance which I really didn't get in the end anyway. It's like Ecclesiastes says- Meaningless! It's all meaningless!

But this changes now. So what if people don't like me? So what if they ridicule me because I'm "religious". I am who I am. And I am a child of God. I was stupid to think I could ever be anything but! He defines me. I'm sorry world, but you're out! You've done WAY more harm than good.

The good news in all this? Grace. As my very wise sunday school teacher put it, "You can take thousands of steps away from God, but it only takes one to turn you back around."

So, 2011 school year and blogs- Here's lookin' at you kid!

"I don't want you to know where I am 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been. This is no place to try and live my life. Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it. See that line. Well I never should have crossed it. Stop right there. Well I never should have said That it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back. I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again. 'Cause who I am hates who I've been. WHO I AM HATES WHO I'VE BEEN."-Reliant K