Confessions of a Sleepless Night...

I've had a lot of sleepless nights recently- cause still to be determined. I thought it was the stress of school, but school's been out for a while and I'm still tossing and turning or wide awake at 3 am. And so, it's on one of these sleepless nights that my mind is exceptionally active and I've had a few thoughts.

The first? Man, my legs really hurt. No more squats. Second? I'm hungry, I wish I had a piece of bread. Finally? Daydreams are pretty dangerous things actually. The third is how I spend most of these sleepless nights. To be completely honest, it's how I spend most of my days as well. I daydream about the future and as a self professed hopeless romantic, mostly about the man that might be in them.

This morning was no exception. I laid in bed mentally listing the qualities of "my perfect man":

-Momma's boy. Say what you will but you can telll a lot about a guy by the way he treats his momma

-Chivalrous. Guys that know how to treat and respect a lady are a rare jewel, but a blessing.

-Sweet. In touch with his sensitive side and not ashamed to admit it

-Musician. Someone who gets excited and loves music as much as I do, including country.

-Hopeless Romantic. Bring on the roses! I've always dreamed of cuddling with my husband in bed and he just sits up, grabs his guitar and starts playing "Angel" by Jack Johnson or "Sea Breeze" or "Looking at Her Face" by Tyrone Wells as I fall asleep. Told you I was a hopeless romantic!

-Manly Man. He enjoys wastching a good musical every now and then, but he also never fails to remind me that he is 100% of the XY chromosome. He's the protector, the rugged outdoorsman, the hiker, the sports lover, the brawny man.

-Handy Man. He knows what to do with a hammer and is perfectly capable of changing the oil in the car.

-Knows how to dress. Straight leg boot cut jeans. Peacoat. But looks pretty darn good in a cowboy hat when called to the occasion.

-Ambitious. Hard worker at everything he does. Has goals and hopes and aspirations.

-Provider. Makes sure his family's taken care of and not just with money.

-Good sense of humor. A marriage filled with laughter is the best kind.

-Caring. I'm accident prone. 'Nuff said.

-Beach lover. Its my life. Literally. Plus, who else better to enjoy a sunset with?

-Good smile. The kind that even reaches to his eyes. Those truly make me go weak at the knees.

And above all...

-Christian. He may have all these other qualities, but if I can't get on my knees and pray with him, our marriage will never be complete.

It was only after I had finished that I took a step back and began to wonder if such a man really existed. I mean, to be fair, in my daydreams I certainly accounted for some flaws, but still. So Mr. Wonderful, if you're reading this please make yourself known. Preferably sometime in the near future. But then it also hit me. These were my daydreams. They were my expectations. They were what I wanted. They were me telling God, "Hey God. I don't know and I don't really care who you've planned for my life, but if I can have any say, this is what I want." And I realized these daydreams were far more than just significant and pointless fantasies and time wasters. I realized they were even more than me being a control freak. They were a complete shortchange. They were a lack of trust in God to know whats best. And a tremendous lack of patience on my part to wait for it. God didn't give me these desires of the heart to have them wasted. He plans to fulfill them through Himself. All of my pushing and shoving to get that future reality now is just a waste of a good sleep. I mean seriously, what can I do about anything at 3 in the morning?

I don't know if I'll ever get married. But what I do know is that when I plan my perfect man, I take away any trust that God knows what He's doing. He knows my needs. If I'm supposed to be married, he's already crafted for me the perfect man. And God's pretty creative. Who He has made is going to be so far beyond the shallow things I can think of it's ridiculous! God's not going to leave me disappointed. One day I'll look at this list and think "that's it? That's all I wanted? Wow! I got so much more! And maybe he doesn't have ALL of these qualities, but there are some things I love about him I would never have thought to list. And they are so much better than anything I could ever dream up."

We daydream about love, about our careers, our friends, where we'll live, how many kids we'll have, and even what we'll look like. But what if instead of thinking about the unknown we focused on the known. God loves us. He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11). He knows whats best. No matter where our life takes us He will always be there, as our Perfect Man. Now that's a future worth daydreaming about.

Psalm 40:5 "Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare."