Confessions of a Bad Banana...

This morning I was in a bit of a banana crazed mood. I know what you're thinking. Really Rachel? You're going to write a blog about bananas? Go with me on this. Anyway, after I had finished my banana nut muffin I decided to move on to the real thing. I was pleased to find my mom had just gone to the store and I beheld three seemingly perfectly ripe bananas. They had no bruises on the outside, no dark indentations either. Their skin was a perfect yellow. And they had that slight firmness to them. I couldn't have gone out to the backyard and picked better ones off the tree. Or so I thought.

Upon opening the first one I discovered the inside to be almost completely black. It was disgusted. I stood there in almost a state of shock. Not because I'd never seen a rotten banana before, but my brain didn't almost believe what my eyes were telling me. What looked so good and perfect on the outside was completely putrid on the inside. After opening two other bananas only to find the exact same thing I gave up. What a waste of a sixty-nine cents.

I never expected a banana would let me down like that, but I also never expected to learn such a spiritual analogy from it either. It made me think. How many times have I been just like this banana? I mean, I look good from the outside. I go to church every Sunday, I read my Bible, I write blogs, I live by the phrase "no wed, no bed" and while I enjoy an occasional drink, I never have more than 1 at a time. I don't do drugs, I stayed in school, all around I look pretty good on the outside. I'm religiously a'okay. But when you get to the heart is the same true? That one I'm not so sure about.

I've realized lately just how legalistic the church can be at times. And we get so caught up in it. I think that's why so many people fall away when they get to college. Because they were not grounded, secure in the relationship. Faith is not about following a set of rules. It's not just going through the motions. Jesus Christ did not come so we could simply follow His example on how to live a perfect life. He came to seek. He came to save (Luke 19:10). I don't want a religion. Even the pagans have that. I want a relationship. What sets Christ apart from any other "god" like Allah or Budda is that not only was He the only one to come back from the dead, but He's also the only one to offer grace. The only one to offer a relationship where it's not about what you do, it's about who you know. And once we realize this, it changes us. We're no longer bound by this self hatred of "I'm nothing but a dirty rotten sinner." No, I'm a redeemed, already bought and paid for, saint.

I don't want to be like the banana this morning. I don't want to put on a mask and a pretense of little miss perfect. Because that's not whats inside. Whats inside is a girl with issues. But also whats inside is a girl with issues who know's she's saved.

So what's left? Well, it's time to cut away the rotten parts of the banana. It's time for a change of heart. It's time to be true faced. It's time to let God have and mold the inside, not just the outward motions. It's time the inner and outer matched, imperfect, but under grace. It's time to have the light shine and expose the darkness. You can't serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). You can't hide under religion forever. It's a problem if people only know you're a Christian by your facebook. It's a problem if you kneel at the cross in prayer and you don't know who you're praying to.

Ephesians 5:8 "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light."

Confessions of a Sleepless Night...

I've had a lot of sleepless nights recently- cause still to be determined. I thought it was the stress of school, but school's been out for a while and I'm still tossing and turning or wide awake at 3 am. And so, it's on one of these sleepless nights that my mind is exceptionally active and I've had a few thoughts.

The first? Man, my legs really hurt. No more squats. Second? I'm hungry, I wish I had a piece of bread. Finally? Daydreams are pretty dangerous things actually. The third is how I spend most of these sleepless nights. To be completely honest, it's how I spend most of my days as well. I daydream about the future and as a self professed hopeless romantic, mostly about the man that might be in them.

This morning was no exception. I laid in bed mentally listing the qualities of "my perfect man":

-Momma's boy. Say what you will but you can telll a lot about a guy by the way he treats his momma

-Chivalrous. Guys that know how to treat and respect a lady are a rare jewel, but a blessing.

-Sweet. In touch with his sensitive side and not ashamed to admit it

-Musician. Someone who gets excited and loves music as much as I do, including country.

-Hopeless Romantic. Bring on the roses! I've always dreamed of cuddling with my husband in bed and he just sits up, grabs his guitar and starts playing "Angel" by Jack Johnson or "Sea Breeze" or "Looking at Her Face" by Tyrone Wells as I fall asleep. Told you I was a hopeless romantic!

-Manly Man. He enjoys wastching a good musical every now and then, but he also never fails to remind me that he is 100% of the XY chromosome. He's the protector, the rugged outdoorsman, the hiker, the sports lover, the brawny man.

-Handy Man. He knows what to do with a hammer and is perfectly capable of changing the oil in the car.

-Knows how to dress. Straight leg boot cut jeans. Peacoat. But looks pretty darn good in a cowboy hat when called to the occasion.

-Ambitious. Hard worker at everything he does. Has goals and hopes and aspirations.

-Provider. Makes sure his family's taken care of and not just with money.

-Good sense of humor. A marriage filled with laughter is the best kind.

-Caring. I'm accident prone. 'Nuff said.

-Beach lover. Its my life. Literally. Plus, who else better to enjoy a sunset with?

-Good smile. The kind that even reaches to his eyes. Those truly make me go weak at the knees.

And above all...

-Christian. He may have all these other qualities, but if I can't get on my knees and pray with him, our marriage will never be complete.

It was only after I had finished that I took a step back and began to wonder if such a man really existed. I mean, to be fair, in my daydreams I certainly accounted for some flaws, but still. So Mr. Wonderful, if you're reading this please make yourself known. Preferably sometime in the near future. But then it also hit me. These were my daydreams. They were my expectations. They were what I wanted. They were me telling God, "Hey God. I don't know and I don't really care who you've planned for my life, but if I can have any say, this is what I want." And I realized these daydreams were far more than just significant and pointless fantasies and time wasters. I realized they were even more than me being a control freak. They were a complete shortchange. They were a lack of trust in God to know whats best. And a tremendous lack of patience on my part to wait for it. God didn't give me these desires of the heart to have them wasted. He plans to fulfill them through Himself. All of my pushing and shoving to get that future reality now is just a waste of a good sleep. I mean seriously, what can I do about anything at 3 in the morning?

I don't know if I'll ever get married. But what I do know is that when I plan my perfect man, I take away any trust that God knows what He's doing. He knows my needs. If I'm supposed to be married, he's already crafted for me the perfect man. And God's pretty creative. Who He has made is going to be so far beyond the shallow things I can think of it's ridiculous! God's not going to leave me disappointed. One day I'll look at this list and think "that's it? That's all I wanted? Wow! I got so much more! And maybe he doesn't have ALL of these qualities, but there are some things I love about him I would never have thought to list. And they are so much better than anything I could ever dream up."

We daydream about love, about our careers, our friends, where we'll live, how many kids we'll have, and even what we'll look like. But what if instead of thinking about the unknown we focused on the known. God loves us. He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11). He knows whats best. No matter where our life takes us He will always be there, as our Perfect Man. Now that's a future worth daydreaming about.

Psalm 40:5 "Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare."