Hello, friends! I'm back for at least this time. For those of you just tuning in for the past couple of years I've kind of been doing this blog thing. However, I got busy, lazy, going through stuff, ect, and my blog has kind of been, well, abandoned. So as I'm sitting here thinking about the blogger I used to be and wondering what on earth happened I began to be discouraged. Am I blogging less because my relationship with God is less than it was before? Maybe. Am I just growing lazy and tired? Possible good chance. Or, am I just changing as a person and a blog is no longer my outlet? That could be entirely true too. Whatever the case though I realize I've been too stuck on the past. And because of that it is hindering me from going forward.
And lest y'all think I'm really choked up and emotional about the blog, let me clarify. The blog has nothing to do with it. I'm having the hardest time getting over the person I was and the things I used to do. I miss being in shape. I cry every single night about not being in Long Beach. I miss being a college student. I miss having the hope of being a pediatric nurse. I miss some of the relationships with my friends I had down there. I miss my life. And because I've spent so much time missing my old life, its hindered me and discouraged me as I live this new one that to be perfectly honest, I'm rapidly having to learn to be content with.
It has not been easy. I struggle with the depression and hopelessness of my future on a daily basis, but its time to move on. Time to face that future. Because I cant hide in the past anymore. And I'm missing a good past. But, there are many people who are hung up and can't move past their bad past. Its not so much they cant forget and they miss how good they had it, they can't bring themselves to see past the kinds of people they were and the things they did.
But we have to understand no matter what way you swing it, these thoughts are completely unbiblical. There's a reason Matthew 6 tells us not to worry about tomorrow, but rather focus on today. Its because one day's stress is sufficient and its all we were meant to handle. Your past is your past. You cannot change it any more than you can really completely control your future. Its time to stop this idleness and just hand the reigns over. As I was lamenting this morning as I always do Isaiah 43:18 came to mind "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
The first part of this is easy for me to handle. Okay yeah, don't focus on the past or you will miss all the things God is currently doing. Fine. Got it. Heard that one before! But the second part of this verse is actually the challenge. And its weird because the second half actually gives no direction as to what I'm supposed to do. Its all what God is doing. "I am doing a new thing. Do you not perceive it?" Well, no. I perceive nothing. I'm stuck in the past remember, but please God, go on. "I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." God, I'm stuck in Bakersfield. That hardly counts as making a way in the desert. I'm not going through the desert. I'm living in it. And thanks to my apparent lack of being able to attract a man and the laws of the state of California that is a barrier to my future as a nurse, I honestly don't see how any way out of this dessert is going to come about. "I am making a way in the dessert and streams in a wasteland." God, now you're just being ridiculous. We're in a drought. And again I repeat. If you're making a way, where is it?
There's an old saying, "When God closes a door he opens a window." I officially hate that saying. Because its not true. Sometimes you just have to sit in the hallway for a little bit. Sometimes you're stuck in the hallway for a lot a bit. I'm not looking for open doors anymore. We're WAY past that. Not even windows at this point. Nope! I'd settle for just a peephole. Where on earth is my peephole?
Its these conversations in my head that I realize have led me to the real issue. See, the problem is not whether or not there is a way. The problem is not even whether or not I am looking for or perceive it. The problem is that I subconsciously doubt that God has made a good one. The problem is, is that I really don't want God to make the path at all. I want to make my own and follow it and then say, God bless it.
The problem is that I'm trying to be involved in this "Making-a-way" process. But I'm really just making things harder. I'm over here standing with my yellow pad of inputs and God's like. "The scripture doesn't say we will make a path together. My word says I am making a way. Shut up Rachel. Go get some Taco Bell. This is one meeting you don't need to be in on. Sit back and watch me work. I'll call you when I'm ready for you to act."
I've never been good at just sitting. Maybe its time to learn. But this also leads to doubt. Fine God, I will learn to sit here and wait, but, You will act, right? I mean eventually? I'm not just going to be the one you don't know what to do with so you just put me on hold forever? "You are precious and honored in my sight and I love you." (Isaiah 43:4)
This then leads into the big question. And I begin to understand the significance of what Paul says when he says "I have learned to be content in all circumstances." (Phil 4:11) What if God's plan for my life is nothing even remotely close to what I planned? Would I be content in that?
Hmmm, thats a hard cookie to chew on. Time for a little more self- examination.....
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way." -Psalm 139: 23-24
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