So, I'm being a bad student once again using facebook to procrastinate from studying, but I think this one will be excused. I don't really know how to start off this time, no funny little anecdotes came to mind, so I'm just going to jump right in.
I've had a big problem with surrender lately. Some things I've been surrendering too easily to, like alcohol and attention seeking. Others, I haven't surrendered enough or at all, like selflessness or God. Especially God. But I have a feeling thats very soon about to change.
I was having lunch with a good friend last week and as we often do, we were catching up on how things were going, not only personally, but spiritually. It was awesome! We were perfectly and completely honest with each other about where we stood with God. And I rememeber telling her how I was really struggling with God's will versus my will. I remember saying how I felt like there were things as a christian I should want (example: pursuing holiness, to love God more, and even a relationship with a guy who is on fire for God not just lukewarm), but things that to be honest I didn't necessarily have a desire for. I wanted to do it my way. I wanted who I wanted, whether or not I could do better. I was content being lukewarm myself. I told her that I felt like God was saying "Trust me" and I was saying "Screw you." I knew better. I knew that I should want better desires. I knew that God intends only good and He has the best plan for my life and I should follow and obey. But I didn't want to. I wanted to be stubborn and do things my own way even though I was fully aware they wouldn't work. I guess you could say I'd already seen the end before it began.
I knew all along it was a stupid and futile decision to fight against God. I knew He was right. The problem was never whether or not I agreed with God. It was whether or not I wanted to obey God. Anyway, back to the point. I told her I felt like this would soon come to an end though. I had this gut feeling that God and I were about to have a smack down, or rather a show out. I knew He wasn't going to let me get along too far without Him.
I went home that night and another friend had posted a blog about her surrender in the area of her love life. Coincidence? I think not. I read over her story and thought, "That's great! I wish I could learn to do that, but it will never happen." Sure I surrendered my life. I am saved, but my love life? Psh, forget it. Which brings me once again to being a bad student. In another attempt at failed procrastination I ended up watching a sermon I have on DVD from a pastor who had done a series on singlehood. One of the very first lines out of his mouth was "Single people are often willing to give everything to God except that thing He desires most- their heart and their love life. For some reason they think the God of the universe won't handle that one." Okay God, I can take a hint, I thought.
So I began praying. "God, honestly, I'm not striving for holy things. I'm not pursuing Your will, or your direction and advice. I don't really care to have it. I don't really want better desires even though I know I've settled for trashy, worldly ones. So God, teach me to have better desires. Teach me to desire a relationship with You again like I once did. Teach me to want to put you first." And while there's no definite physical proof- I haven't completely done a 180 and am now a whole new surrendered person in a week and this is just a lovely little story about my past- I do feel like God is starting something. Little by little, through little things and little interactions, I'm beginning to realize that it's gonna be okay. That those things that once were "No way God! What are you doing?! This is not how I wanted it to go!" are now "I still don't like this God, but somehow I can't feel too upset about it. Somehow there's peace."
It's a journey. A journey that's literally only just begun. This isn't a blog about the past. It's the blog about the present. The story is nowhere near finished. But little by little, chapters keep getting written. Even as I was driving home tonight I kept playing Sanctus Real's song "Whatever You're Doing." Every lyric rings true of my life right now. That song expresses my story better than I ever could. Check it:
"It's time for healing time to move on It's time to fix what's been broken too long Time to make right what has been wrong It's time to find my way to where I belong There's a wave that's crashing over me And all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace It's hard to surrender to what I can't see but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone Time to begin again Re-evaluate who I really am Am I doing everything to follow Your will Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills So show me what it is You want from me I give everything I surrender to...
Time to face up Clean this old house Time to breathe in and let everything out That I've wanted to say for so many years Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me It feels like chaos but I believe You're up to something bigger than me Larger than life something Heavenly..."
John 4: 23-24, "But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”
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