Confessions of a Camp Love...

Well folks, it finally happened. I know, many of you have been wondering if it ever would. I myself have been thinking lately, "I'm 22. Any time now God!" But there is now a certain special someone in my life. I mean, besides God that is. See, it all started when I went to Fuge camp this summer. And I feel like a complete hypocrite. Having spent nearly every summer at camp I'm perfectly well aware of the camp romances that can happen. Y'all know exactly the ones I'm talking about. Boy sees girl. Girl sees boy. Boy and girl decide the "mature" thing to do would be to get in a relationship at camp. I mean, you're at church camp. God's gotta give that a thumbs up, right? Boy and girl spend all their free time together. By the end of the week boy is either leaving on a different bus and promising a long distance relationship or boy and girl have been in close quarters for too long and decided they really didn't enjoy each other's company that much. Happens every year. I think its the altitude. It does something to people's minds. I even warned all my youth girls about them. I asked them to really think about the true reason for why we came to camp. I challenged myself with it too. (What? A girl gets lonely sometimes. Camping is romantic. Sometimes you can't help it. I always thought It'd be cool to serve God co-counseling with my hubby) Anyway, I have to say though, that was not my initial intent. Farthest thing from my mind. But then....

GOTCHA! Ha ha maybe it is the lateness of the hour or perhaps I have officially snapped from trying to quit coffee cold turkey, but I am now patting myself on the back for pulling a fast one on you. Y'all thought I was gonna say I had found a certain special someone didn't you? Well, I did. Although it's more Matt Redman's lyrics that I am now in love with. I've never actually met the singer. Check 'em out.

"Standing on this mountaintop


Looking just how far we've come


Knowing that for every step


You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground


Seeing just how much You've done


Knowing every victory
Is Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way


But with joy our hearts can say


Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone


Never once did You leave us on our own


You are faithful, God, You are faithful."

Well, let me just say it was love at first stanza! We sang this during worship one night and I cannot describe how much it spoke to me. Perhaps its because I'm rapidly realizing I will very soon be closing the "college" chapter in my life, but I've done quite a bit of reflecting on the past lately. What better way to do this than reading over old journal entries? And ya know, it's a funny thing. Because sometimes, they're painful. You realize what a dark place you used to be in. And the things you struggled with still hurt. But it's also leaves me completely in awe. My mind has been entirely blown at how God has completely transformed my life. All those struggles, all those hard times, and I have seen just how He has used every single situation for good. I've seen how much its stretched me. Not to the point that I tear and fall apart, but just to the point of growth. And it makes me laugh because when you look back at your life and you realize you can see how God was in every situation it kind of feels like someone just WHAM! hit you. Never once did we ever walk alone. Even though a lot of times, it felt that way.

Looking back, my college years did not turn out the way I wanted them too. And I cannot say with enough enthusiam that I am so glad they didn't. Had I had my way, I would have been in Hawaii, swimming with dolphins and sun-tanning on the beach. Long Beach was honestly my last choice. Don't believe me ask my mother. She can atest to all the crying fits I gave. Hey, I never said I was mature at 18. But now I can't imagine being anywhere else. I sit back and I think, "Wow. if I had never come to Long Beach I never would have met the amazing people that I know. I never would have made lasting friendships that impacted my life beyond words. I never would have had mentors that challenged and gave wisdom in my walk with God.  I never would have had a shark in my bath tub, rescued a sea lion, or any of the other cool experiences. I never would have gotten involved with Navigators. I probably wouldn't be much of a christian. I probably wouldn't be working with the youth over the summer back home. Omgosh, I never would have been in youth ministry!" These are blessings that I could never have planned, or had the wisdom to ask for. But my life without them seems so, I don't know, not my life.

And it gives me great joy too. Because I look back at old journals and I see answered prayers. I see God's speedy and easy resolutions to things that I thought took weeks to accomplish. I've seen even just in a few months how much my faith has strengthened. And its awesome! God's faithfulness is just, gah, it's blowing my mind right now! But it also convicts me.

This morning I was reading Exodus 18. And I gotta say, I was pretty irritated with the Israelites. I mean, just two chapters beforehand, Moses has parted the Red Sea. The Hebrews are trapped. Pharoh is on their heels. And God takes an entire body of water and splits it in two. Like cheesecake! And then, like any good christian, they dance in celebration of His deliverance (Ch. 17) And then BOOM two chapters later, they're whining and complaining saying, "If only we'd stayed in Egypt. At least there we had food." REALLY?! Your God just parted the Red Sea and destroyed Pharoh's entire army and you're whining about food?! Don't you think He knows you're hungry? I mean, I don't pretend to be the sharpest, but it seems to me that even the dullest crayon in the box would think, "You know. I bet if God parted the Red Sea He can also give us food. That seems like a relatively easier job."  But then I find myself wearing those soggy, wet, Israel shoes. Can I honestly stand here with proof of God's goodness and direction in the past and doubt that He's not going to lead me to the best in the future? Oh ye of little faith...

"Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" (Luke 12:22-26)

Confessions of an OCD FUGE Goer...

      Ask anyone in my family and they will immediately tell you I hate surprises. From the time I was little they have stressed me out beyond belief. When my parents surprised me with a puppy, I nearly had a meltdown on the way to pick him up. I always joke I'd be the easiest person to stalk. Except for a few random spontaneous outings with friends I live my life by routine. Some of you are reading this and saying "Wow, Rachel. You're so boring. Where's your adventure?" It's at this point I'd like to say I do have adventures, they're just planned. But I know my fellow OCD people will understand when I say it's also somewhat comforting having neat schedules and lists. I don't need to worry about the future because I know what I will be doing.

     It's this same line of thinking that has gotten me through the past four summers. I don't always know if I will be employed, where I will live, or how things will change since some of my friends have graduated, but I've always counted on the one certainty that I will be in school in the coming fall. But now all of that is changing in this next coming year. I find myself thinking, "I know NOTHING for sure!" Come the end of May I will be done with school and who knows where I'll end up? I could be employed working in Maine, or free-laboring it up in Australia. Or I could be a couch potato back home. Unlike fourteen of you this summer, I won't be getting married, I don't have a job I can fall back on, and I won't be applying for graduate school. This, ladies and gents, is where this OCDer starts freaking out! I love plans, and there is not one single thing I can plan! AH!

     As it so happens, this also seems to be the area that God has been working in the most. I'm finding myself challenged and convicted more and more to trust Him. And it's awesome! The future doesn't scare me so much anymore. Where I should be worried I now am finding peace. Where there once was meltdowns there now is trust. Because I've been really stupid. I've been counting on my own abilities and my own securites. But the fact is God is the consistency in my life. It's not school, family, friends, or work. It's God. Everything else can change, but He stays the same through the ages. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8). And Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that His plans are never to harm us. So why wouldn't we trust?

     Knowing this, I realized my big flop in life at FUGE camp. All my life I've been saying I wanted to be a marine biologist. It's what I declared upon that Kindergarten graduation stage. Sometimes I think I said it just out of hobby. But because its always what I planned to do, I never really consulted God on the subject. And don't get me wrong, I really do love it, but lately I've also been feeling other callings, particularly in the realm of nursing. And as it so happens, the areas of marine biology I love the most are the areas I could still volunteer in on weekends after possibly pursuing another career. This has been, and still continues to, weigh on my mind quite heavily. Much more prayer needed. But anyway, back to the big flop.

     The second to last day of FUGE one of my youth girls asked me to accompany her to her track time of "For Girls Only. (FGO)" I acquiesced assuming the topic was going to be like all the other FGO tracks I'd gone to even as a camper. What do I mean? The double B. Boys and Beauty. If there's two things teenage girls love to talk about it's boys and beauty. I knew it would be good stuff like how to be a godly girlfriend, how to find your value in God not what you look like, ect. But I was not expecting the topic of choice for that Thursday afternoon. How to give God your future. The minute Cameron (the leader) announced the topic my ears perked. "Okay, God. Where are you going with this?" All the girls had to write down what they wanted to be when they grew up. It's at this point where I regret to inform you I sarcastically wrote down "Employed." After a quick game of charades (yeah, good luck acting that one out) she challenged the girls that its not wrong to have wants and desires, but to hold those plans loosely because you never know how God might change them. And we need to be attentive and willing to obey his direction. Even if that means switching careers or like a lot of college kids, changing majors. I kid you not peeps, those were her words.

     Well, needless to say I was floored. This was definitely not on the boys chapter I had rehearsed my wisdom speech for. And I really didn't know what to say. I was so convicted. I sat there thinking, "Have I ever even asked God what He may want me to do with marine biology? Did I ever ask Him if He even wanted me to do it in the first place?" Excuse my language, but Oh crap, I hadn't! So, that folks is where the challenge now lies. I'm finishing out my Bachelors and seeing where God leads with it. It may be working with sharks and orcas, or it may be using it as a science background to explore other areas. I'm still praying and trying to figure out which way He wants me to go. And there still are somedays where I get overly stressed about it and I question everything, but I also know that God will lead you where He wants you. And its funny because it's always the place where you exactly needed to be. I haven't always gotten my way. I didn't get to go to Hawaii even though I got in. But I've needed to be at Long Beach. And God has ABUNDANTLY provided in all areas of life for me while I've been there. Knowing this gives me great comfort. It's like one of my roommates said, "God's already got the ending written. Stop trying to write the story." 

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

Confessions of a Learning Baseball Lover...

Well folks it's that time again! 3:30 in the morning to be exact. It's official, I'm changing my name to "The Late Night Blogger." Why these moments of inspiration cannot come at a normal hour of night I will never be able to fathom. But I Digress. Here's something thats been surprising me lately. I'm becoming a bit of a baseball fan. This shocks me. Being a lover of the action packed hockey I've never given much thought to baseball. I always thought, if I may be completely honest, that I'd be bored to tears watching it. But no cable TV changes a person. I've now watched many a game in attempt to procrastinate. And I've officially played my first game of softball. If you want proof I'll show you the bruise. But I've realized it requires a lot more skill than just hand eye coordination.

I've spent many a minute google-ing certain baseballean terms or poking whoever happens to be sitting next to me and asking questions like "So what does RBI mean?" Runs batted in- got it now. Yep, I'm becoming an expert. But I've thoroughly enjoyed the process of learning. Still a little confused on the whole average decimals business so if any of you would like to clarify that would be much appreciated. 

But asides from baseball, there's been something else I find myself learning a few lessons on- God's mercy and forgiveness. Because like baseball, God's got rules. Someone I know once called Him the ultimate umpire. I understand that phrase now. But unlike baseball, God doesn't play by strikes. There's no three strikes your out. And thank goodness for that or I would've been out come the age of one. Lamentations 3:22-23 tells us His compassions are new every morning. 

I'm human. So as such, it should be no surprise that I've royally blown it. But I'm learning I don't have to feel shame over what I've done. And that is so freeing! I feel conviction, but once I confess it, there is no guilt there. And this sinner finds hope. Because no matter how many times I blow it in the future God's loving sacrifice on the cross will overwrite it-mind you this should not be an excuse to do so. And it's not by some error of His. It's not a missed call or a ball he didn't catch and should have. God doesn't make mistakes. It was on purpose. He's eager to redeem us. And I'm still trying to grasp that concept. It seems backwards to me that a perfect God would be so eager to redeem an imperfect people- many of whom aren't looking for redemption. There's been many a friend and many a mentor I've poked and said, "So what does that mean?"

Here's one of the other reasons I'm growing a soft spot for the game. Even if the player strikes out, they always come up to bat again. It's a bit redeeming when you think about it. But unlike baseball, we are not batting alone. Lefty, righty, switch-hand makes no difference. God comes along and says, "Okay, you struck out. That's a black spot on your record certainly. Don't worry, I've wiped the slate clean. I'm not done with you yet. Swing again." Home. Run. 

"You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross." -Colossians 2:13-15 (NLT)

Confessions of a Horse Lover...

Well, folks, its 5 am. And according to my internal biological clock, its blog writing time. I've been neglecting my duties lately so apparently if you don't make time for blog writing, blog writing will not be ignored long- even if it means waking you up in the wee hours of the morning to do so. And another thing, why is it that in Southern California, which never sleeps, there is not 1 single coffee shop open before 6? By six o'clock I'm so wide awake I am perfectly capable of making it by myself. Its in the earlier hours when I'm non-coherent that I need it the most.

 But I digress. Have you ever heard the expression, "When you fall off the horse you just gotta get right back on"? I've never understood that statement to be honest. I mean, maybe its because I love horses, or the fact that I fall all the time, but I hear that remark and think, "Well of course I'd get right back on! How can you let one freak accident stop you? People get in car accidents every day, but that doesn't prevent us from driving all over creation. Why be hatin on the horses? " But I think I get it now- falling off a horse HURTS! Seriously, it can cripple you pretty good. But the fear is another key crippling factor. That horse bucked me off once, what makes me sure he won't do it again?

It reminds me of something the pastor said last Sunday. Fear, worry, and doubt are crippling to faith. Of course the example was doubting Thomas. We all look at his statement "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe." (John 20:25) We scoff in astonishment. Whats with this guy? I mean, I don't know about you, but if 10 other guys are like "Yeah, dude, he's back. We've all seen him," and even Jesus Himself had told the disciples that on the third day the temple would be rebuilt and He would be raised from the dead, (Matthew 16:21) I find myself thinking, "Get with the program Thomas!"

But yet, how many times have I read Romans 8:38-39 or Philippians 4:19, or Jeremiah 29:11 and doubted? This is where Thomas needs to come along and slap me upside the head. Has God not proven His love before? Has He not brought good before? Has He not met all of my needs in His divine time before? So that leaves me to analyze. There are two places we can doubt. One is in the things God has already done. The second is in the things God has yet to do. Maybe thats why we have such a big issue with Thomas. Because he doubted in the things God had already done. He had already been alive a week before he re-appeared to the disciples in the upper room when Thomas was there. But, at least I, tend to doubt the things God is going to do. And that's where faith comes in. Because faith is trust. Its looking at how God has already provided and saying, "You know. He's been there in the past, He will be there in the future. He doesn't promise it will always be easy, but He will be there. He promises it."

 I mean, really, do we limit God to only past experiences? God doesn't just work in the past, He works in the present and the future too. But here's the thing. The pastor was right on. Because if you worry or are fearful about something, you're not trusting God to handle it. You're forgetting that He is bigger than your problem. If you doubt what He says or his authenticity, then you might want to re-examine those nail holes my friend because it sounds like you need to spend some close, intimate time with the J-man. Because in places where fear and doubt exist, there's no room for trust. And if there's no room for trust, there's no room for faith to grow.  

Why do we let bad things deter us from God? Why is it that the one we so often get mad at and turn away from is the one who can help us the most? Here's the word of wisdom kids. We live in a fallen world. And Christianity is not a cure all. Bad things are gonna happen with or without a close personal relationship with God. But trust me, they're a whole lot easier with Him. Trust Him, let Him do His work, and watch the good He brings from it. 

Looks like its time to get back on the horse...

Confessions of a Coffee Co- dependent...

     So apparently I do my best writing at 4 a.m. Because once again, I am bright eyed and bushy tailed (that's such a weird expression, who came up with that?) sitting in bed, blogging, slightly sleep hungover, and wishing it was more like 7a.m. Never-the-less, not only is any time a good time for pancakes, but apparently it also extends to spiritual lessons. 

     As I was tossing and turning I started thinking about Matthew 5:30,  "And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." I know, such a morbid thought to just randomly come to mind. I mean, entirely severing a hand seems a bit extreme. And I know Jesus wasn't speaking literally when He said this, but just think about the implications. First, it's painful. Severing anything is painful. Second, It's willingness to knowingly put yourself through that pain because you are so committed to the bigger picture. Third, it's for your benefit ultimately, in order to save yourself. This leaves one to ask the question, what do I need to severe?

     First thing that came to mind? Coffee. I know, right? But seriously. I'm so co-dependent on it. It got so bad last semester that when I when I gave it up for finals week I had terrible migraines and was sick to my stomach for a few days. And it got me thinking. If it can cause this much harm not having it in my system what on earth was it doing to my system?  Caffeine is a drug kids. Don't do drugs- stay out of college. No, but honestly, caffeine is only a substitute for sleep, and a poor one at that. Let's bring this back spiritually then. How many things are we using as substitutes for a relationship and fufillment with Christ? And how many of us know it's just not satisfying?

     Which leads me into the second thing I need to severe, alcohol. And this one is tricky because unlike caffeine, I've never gone to an extreme point. I rarely have more than one, so what's the problem then if I'm never drunk? This one is more a matter of protecting myself. Every time I drink it is ultimately for acceptance. Acceptance from peers, who have never been proven to be a credible source when compared with the Living God. And its proven to be somewhat of a spiritual hinderance. I cannot focus on God when I am focusing on being accepted by the world. No one can serve two masters (Matthew 6:24) There's an old expression, "If you're worried about being burned, don't go near the fire." If your worried about being tempted, don't go near it. Don't even start down that path. Flee from it. Severe it from your life. Hmm, all of a sudden that doesn't sound so extreme does it?

     Last thing, and probably the hardest, idolatry. Particularily in the area of my love life. You know when you meet that guy, (or girl if you're a guy) and the whole world stops? And all you want to do is get to know that person on a much deeper level? And you're so excited that he talks to you and then you guys start becoming friends? And the next thing you know, you're wanting to spend more and more time with him? And the more you get to know him the more you think about him? Daydream about him? Take the time to put in some effort on your appearance when you know your going to see him? Well congratulations. You may have found your soul mate, but it's amazing how many times soul mate can coincide with idol. Even relationships that start off as Christ centured can oh so quickly turn. Or, if you're like me and still in the "single, but ready to mingle" department, it's amazing how many times I find myself upset and questioning, "Will it ever happen?" This is where I often have to take a step back and re-evaluate, who is my first love? Who really captivates me heart? Who come first? Who can't I live without for the rest of my life? If you're answer isn't God, I've got some advice. 1 Corinthians 10:14, "Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry."

     I can't speak for you, but these are areas in my life that need to be severed. Just quit cold turkey. Because I've done this before. I've realized I've had these bad habits and have tried to ween myself off of them little by little. But the problem is, it doesn't work. There is no half surrender. There is total surrender or none at all. And it's never easy. It's painful. So, to quote one of my favorite Disney villians, "Be prepared." You know it's gonna hurt. And that's why its so hard to do it, but ultimately, its to your benefit to do so. If anything takes the place of God in your life, cut it off! Don't give it a chance! Life will ALWAYS be so much better with Him in the center. I promise.

"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22

Confessions of a Sleepless Cheesecake Lover...

  Well my friends I have done it again. I keep telling myself, "No sugar before bed. It does things to you." But do I listen? No! So here I am, 4 in the morning, been awake for about an hour, eating yet another slice of cheesecake, and wondering how on earth to pass the time until the sugar crash kicks in because I was stupid and ate one slice already at 11 right before bed. Eh, why not do some writing? 

  I was lying in bed thinking about my day, particularily how amazing it felt just to gaze at the ocean after five weeks. Marine biologist out of water. You know its a rough life when no matter where you end up working it will most likely have to be near a beach. Anyway, while journaling in the sand, I began to think about why it was so funny that its so much easier to journal when out in nature. It's like all of a sudden, you look at the ocean and realize just how present God is. Why do we do that? Why is it that we feel so much closer to God? Nothing has changed. Our circumstances haven't miraculously gotten better. God is omnipresent. It's not like He's just decided to only chill at the beach. Although if He did, I mean, come on, who could blame Him? The only thing different is where WE stand. And that got me thinking. It's all about mindset. When I go to the beach to journal, I am expecting to meet with God. Even when I don't bring my journal, just walking in the waves is good alone time of worship. It's inevitable. I've never not been to the beach, even with friends and volleyball, ect, and not had it happen. I think it goes back to that awe factor found in Psalm 33:6-9, "By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, And by the breath of His mouth all their host. He gathers the waters of the sea together as a heap; He lays up the deeps in storehouses. Let all the earth fear the Lord; Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him. For He spoke, and it was done; He commanded, and it stood fast."

  But, see, now I am convicted. Because why should it only be that we expect to meet with God only in nature? Only when we seek Him? Have we lost the comprehension that He seeks us? What would it look like if we lived our daily lives expecting to meet with God? What happened to that eager anticipation? We waste it on such stupid things- like how good that piece of cheesecake is going to taste. What would it look like if intimacy with God wasn't just confined to our quiet times, Bible studies, church, and anytime WE choose to set aside? I think this is where a lot of christians fall out and loose their joy. Because when you eagerly anticipate something, you're so anxious it makes you kind of giddy. Think I'm wrong? Tell the next five year old you see in a week you're going to take him to Disneyland and tell me it doesn't make him happier and get him all excited. Or relate it to your own life. I'm a single, 22 year old girl, who is eagerly awaiting the day I find my agape love life partner and get to marry him. Boom! Smile. Right there! See? 

  I think sometimes we try to limit God. We forget that His love never faulters, that He never gets tired of pursuing us. That He is constantly eager to meet with us. God will never say, "Oh, Rachel. Yeah, I don't feel like meeting today. Can we postpone? I'm having an introverted moment." I do that, but He doesn't.

It's time to put down the fork. I can sleep easily, wondering, as I dream off, what God is going to do tomorrow and just how He plans to meet...

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

Confessions of an Out of Practice Blogger...

So, it's been a little while since I last posted in the "Confessions of a..." blog. Six months to be exact! You know you're out of practice when you go to write again and it takes you ten minutes just to figure out how to write a new note with the new facebook layout and another twenty to remember the password to your blogger account. So, after so much time away, and the Mayans being wrong, here we have a new year upon us. I figure, "Hey, why not? Let's blog."

I've been going through a state of nostalgia lately. You may have noticed the old-school Christmas pics. But it's not the past of my former toddler self that I'm longing for the most, it's the girl I used to be just a few years ago. You may remember her. I've been looking at pictures and seeing how much my body and personality has changed over the past two years and for the most part it's for the better. But a touch of saddness comes to me as I realize that girl two years ago may have been 85 pounds heavier, but she was a happier and all around better person. I begin to think, what's changed? And then the answer so obviously comes. I'm much more selfish than I used to be. I always hated those girls who had secret motivations for everything. The ones obsessed with the way they looked. The ones who were so difficult to live with because they never wanted to be interrupted. The ones who wouldn't bend in the slightest when they had something they really wanted, even if it meant hurting someone else to get it. The ones who only cared for someone because of what that other person could do for them. And now, I have found myself becomming just like those girls. And so I ask, why? Why have I become like that?

The answer again is obvious. Because I started taking advice from the world. Not a very credible source. The world told me I was nothing if I wasn't beautiful and thin; that the only way guys would ever be attracted to me was if I was a size two, and that if I was to remain single, I'm either demoted in my status as a woman or a feminist. The world told me its best to look out in your own interests, that if you want something, you have to reach out and grab it, instead of trusting in a big God who might lead you to it. The world told me that love was conditional, not to waste your time on those who don't show you respect. The world taught me to find my own identity and be my own god. The world told me that acceptance came with the invite to a college party, with making others laugh. The world told me success and purpose came with a career. The world told me that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to not spend so much time on others. The world told me that you couldn't trust anyone, that everyone has hidden agendas. The world told me that that's just how the world is. Well, they're right. The world is that way, but Christ is not. The world said it was okay to be that way; that if I was self- glorifying, I'd be fulfilled.

The world lied...
I'm tired of being that girl.

"He must become greater; I must become less." -John 3:30

Confessions of a Gratefully Sore Body...

     I am 100% convinced I have a guardian angel and he should be paid some SERIOUS overtime. I got hit on my bike by someone texting while driving. Her car directly hit my leg, but other than a few scrapes and a little blood I'm perfectly okay. Looking at the impact of my bike on her car they said my leg should have been shattered.

     I walked away from that incident very grateful and thinking it was something I could add to the list of things I've done in my life. Got hit by a car? Check! Although I must admit it wasn't necessarily something I would have purposefully wanted. Anyway, everything checked out alright and I was going to live to ride another day. I gave no more thought to the subject.

     That was until that night. WOW was my body sore! I had a right leg that had a few good stinging scrapes and a left arm that was the victim of a TDAP (I was trying to sound cool with the medical lingo- it's a tetanus shot :/). Plus, I was still recooperating from a bad ankle injury, which had been re-injured with the impact. But it was as I was lying there, griping to myself about how I was so tired of being in pain that the thought occurred to me, my leg hurt. And the fact that it hurt meant it had feeling. And the fact that it had feeling meant I could still walk. All of a sudden I was overcome with the joy of thankfulness. I had been hit by a car and could wake up tomorrow and walk. Not everyone could say that.

     I had been praying earlier that week that God would make me feel alive again. I just felt kind of spiritually blah. And it was at that moment that I realized, I did not die young. God wanted me alive. And He wanted me alive because He has big plans for my life that are still to come. What an exciting hope! And there may be more pain in the future, but it will only serve as a reminder that I'm still alive. It seems the Maker of the Universe isn't quite done with this clumsy Ray Ray yet.

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." Psalm 48:14

Confessions of a Purposed Summer Girl...

     Have you ever had that moment when you are doing something you know 100% you are meant to be doing? How did it feel? Did you notice a sense of Joy and Peace? Did it make you excited? Did you find you smiled often for no apparent reason? Has it ever been something you never thought you'd like?

     Growing up my father often repeated the phrase, "The Lord works in mysterious ways." I've heard this so many times from him and others it almost seems cliche'. But something that I've realized lately is there is some truth to this.

     Enter my summer. Before leaving at the end of the semester a friend asked if I would be interested in joining the Navigators student ministry team. I was really hesitant. It's not that I'm opposed to serving people, I just wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. And to be honest there was a huge area of self-doubt. "Who am I to lead these people?" Moses once so elequently spoke. But it didn't stop there.

     After about a week of being at home someone in our church approached me and asked me to help her lead a Bible study for junior high and high school girls. My initial response was to say "NO!" Public speaking? No thank you! Leading a bible study? Not for me! Having to be the leader and get to know other girls? I'll pass on the judgement truck thank you. And even if they didn't judge me, can you say socially awkward? Yes, I am. I have no problem admiting it; I know its true. Talking to people freaks me out. All of this to say, it wasn't something I wanted. It wasn't even something I thought I'd be any good at. So I don't really know what prompted me to say "Okay." 

    Well, that was the best half-hearted "okay" I have ever done. I LOVE it! I get so excited for every Tuesday night I'm literally restless with anticipation. God has blessed and blessed abundantly. I have never felt more pure joy. Those girls have been such a blessing to my life! And I never ever thought I'd be there. They have also inspired a whole new era of thankfulness. I look at some of them and say, "I used to think that exact same way! And it was like 4 years ago! Wow! So much has changed! Thank you God for how much you've grown me. And thank you for the growth in them that I've already seen!" I've heard their struggles. I've shared them. And where I once thought I'd be the outcast, I now find fellowship. 

     And did I mention, I get to go to camp with them as well?! Yep! It's back to Jenness Park for Centrifuge! I haven't been there since I graduated high school three years ago! And now I get to go as a counselor? Whoa! I think I'm actually more excited than them. So many of them have never been and I'm like "You guys don't understand the awesomeness that you're headed for!" There will be tears. There will be heartbreaking stories, but there will also be lives changed. There will be healing. There will be an up-close encounter with God.

     All of this to say, I've learned I need to listen to God. His ideas seem crazy at the time. Sometimes they're terrifying. But why so much lack of trust? Did not God say that He only plans good for our lives? (Jeremiah 29:11). But ask Him what your purpose is. Because once you find it, you will find unbelievable blessings! And trust Him. OBEY Him. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if after this summer I will ever be in youth ministry again. I don't know what to do for a career. I don't know if marine biology is really my purpose. And it's terrifying. I'm scared to death I have worked so hard for nothing. I don't know what to do about anything about the future. But I realized, I really haven't been that open to listening to what He wants. I have my own plans and ideals. And they seem pretty good. But I want that joy and peace that comes in knowing, "This is what I was meant to be doing. This is my purpose." I only hope He reveals it soon. I only pray that I have listening ears. 

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:9-12

Confessions of a Charlie Brown...

      This morning I discovered one advantage to waking up with the sun. "A Boy Named Charlie Brown" was on! I've always had a soft spot for that little baldy. I tuned in, expecting to be able to veg out and maybe even nap a little bit. But what I didn't expect was a spiritual lesson in it. I started watching right about the point where Charlie Brown is just really down on life. He says he has too many problems, so maybe he should seek professional help about it. Enter Lucy. Lucy offers to help "cure" Charlie by her own special method. But her method works just the opposite. She goes slide after slide of all Charlie Brown's faults. She then preceeds to tell Charlie Brown that he just needs to kick it and move on. To give him a physical analogy, she offers to hold the football while he runs up and sends it flying. But Charlie Brown is no dummy. He knows Lucy's really going to move the football. And he tells her as such. To defend herself, Lucy says he has two choices: either he tries to kick the ball or they go back in and watch more of Charlie Brown's faults. Either way for poor Charlie it's a loose loose situation. Finally Charlie Brown makes a decision. He gets his courage up and running as fast as he can toward the football yells at the top of his lungs, "This is it! This is really it! I'm going to beat it this time!" And I think for a moment he really does believe that. But just at the last second Lucy moves the football and he falls flat on his back. As if the disapointed hopes weren't enough, Lucy offers to let him watch his failure over and over on instant replay.

     I was taken aback a moment. How many times have I danced that same dance with sin? How many times have I given in to something knowing already how badly it would end? How many times have I said, "This is it! I'm finally going to give this up! I'm finally going to kick this habit! I won't idolize boys anymore. I won't compare myself to girls anymore. I won't obsess about my looks anymore!" Only two hours later I'm back on the scale crying because I've gained a half a pound since I weighed myself on an empty stomach that morning. And Lucy is an important figure in all this too. Because much like Satan loves to do, Lucy never wavers in pointing out Charlie's faults. Over and over Satan loves to say "See. Give it up. Look at how many times you've failed. Remember all those things you did wrong? You will never be worthy of love. You will never be forgiven. You're too bad." The regrets of our past are on instant replay in our minds. And it's hard to fight against them because they just keep coming back. We seem stuck in a loose loose situation.

     Such a daily/hourly struggle can wear a person out. It can truly make them a sad sack Charlie Brown. But here's the hope that Charlie Brown never discovered: God is TRUTH. He's the only way you can combat the instant replay of bad choices and regret. And He has promised He will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5). He has promised when we call He will forgive us (Acts 2:21). He has planned good things for us not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11). He has promised that we are no longer doomed to live in constant replay of regret. God does not remember our faults so why should we? (Psalm 103:12). God will not be a Lucy. He will not remove the football right before you achieve victory. In fact, He's right there kicking it with you. As Christians God has already given us the victory! (1 Corinthians 15:57) 

     And when you realize that, it even affects how you view other people. I find myself getting really discouraged when people who know better, take the wrong path. When good guys/girls don't pursue the right things in their relationships. When people make terrible choices about friends, drugs, alcohol, their futures, ect. I ache for them. I want them to stay "the good ones." They've been fighting against this temptation for so long and it seems so hopeless when it looks as if they're finally giving in. I want to be the cheerleader again standing at the sideline yelling, "No. Keep going down the narrow path. You're doing good! Don't believe the shallowness and lies of this world! DON'T GIVE INTO CULTURE! You're so close!" But I've been left with a certain reality-I am no different. And if my ache is this great, how much more does a Perfect and Loving Father ache for them and for me?

     But God has not abadoned us. Even if we have turned from Him. It's not my job to save them. Especially since I'm drowning myself. But we have a lifeguard who walks on water. Only God can turn their heart's back to Him. Every time I try I'm bound to fail. All I can really do is pray for them. But they are forgiven. Those who have a past are forgiven. And every time I stand before someone who has one I have two choices: I can judge them for their time away. Or, I can accept them and thank God that they are no longer that person. I can choose to focus on the testimony those painful mistakes have given them. And I can find hope that mine add to my testimony as well. It makes it easier to love them by accepting who they are. And for those that I still ache for, it gives me hope to see how God could use this in the future for His glory. It gives me the strength to run to kick the football one last time.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:1-2

Confessions of a Former Twilight Fan...

     I've been doing a lot of "house cleaning" over the past couple of days. My closet has thoroughly been swept through and my floor now looks like a hurricane hit. I'm tempted to pile all my old, too big, clothes up and jump- much like my inner four year old still wants to do when the leaves fall. Anyway, it was on one of these "cleaning" (and I say cleaning in quotes because it's really just moving the mess around) days that I discovered something I think will continue to haunt me from my past until the day I die. You have to understand though, I was the queen of hopeless romantics. Literally, I even thought it would be romantic to die young. Yep, I was that girl. You know, the one walking around with her head in the clouds, who believes love can conquer all. The one dreaming of meeting Prince Charming around every corner, who she planned to graciously fall into after not watching where she was going because her head was stuck in the latest romance novel. The girl who's itunes was composed of 95% love songs, 2% country songs, and 3% country love songs. The one who wanted to be married at 18 more than anything. Thank God I didn't get what I wanted. That's all I have to say now.


     But it was just as I was thinking about how much things have changed that my dark part of my past came back to haunt me. Now, I'm going to share it with y'all. I believe there truly is freedom in confession. Okay, take a moment Rachel. Just get it off your chest. Here we go.... I own a t-shirt with Edward Cullen's face on it. Phew, glad thats over. It's true, I was a die hard, #1 fan Twilight junkie. I even had the "Team Edward" Burger King crown. "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." ;) You fellow fans know this quote well. 


     But now I find myself angry with Twilight. Even to the point of ranting. First of all because I grew up in the generation when vampires were scary, not sparkly, and second of all because of how shallow Edward and Bella's love really is. And you're getting these married, 40 year old women, who should know better, that are going completely gaga because they think this is what their husbands should be like. You want your husband to love you as a tick loves his next blood meal? Or as a psychotic stalker loves the person he's creeping on? Really? REALLY?! This frustration that there should be something more had been festering inside for quite some time, but I never knew how to express it. That was until Sunday.


     Here's a new definition of marriage for you. The coming together of body, soul, and spirit. And you have to have all three. But as the pastor explained, the word "love" is too general. The greeks had it right. They broke it down into further definitions. Eros love is the passionate, physical attraction, love. It's the coming together of the body. Phileo love is the love of one on the level of morals, interests, habbits, ect. It is essentially the coming together of the souls. And last, but most definitely not least is Agape love. It is the coming together of spirit. Having like faiths, ministering with each other, essentially all spiritual "stuff". 


     But here's the secret. The number one reason most relationships are doomed to fail from the beginning. They're starting with the wrong love! Most start off with Eros love. It makes no difference among christian or non-christian. I've done it. Admit it folks, it's the basis of our culture. Can you say one night stands? Diets? Hollywood? Strapless bikinis? (That's a whole other rant in and of itself. But I mean seriously, how is that practical for swimming. The minute I dive into the pool that thing is sliding right off) There's a reason Edward Cullen was made out to sound more sexy than God. There's a reason Taylor Lautner was not hired for the second movie until his 8 pack came in. And while looks aren't bad- it's not wrong to find someone attractive- they're given too much importance. Because eros is the most shallow form of love. And if you start there, that's all you'll ever get. So many people make that mistake. They want a connected, deep, meaningful relationship. They long for someone who wants them for more than the fact that they look good on their arm, but that's where they start. It's like want a taco but starting with beans, cheese, and flour tortillas. Sorry darling, but you're stuck with a burrito.


     So where should you start? Agape. Why? Because that's ultimately the most important anyway. Agape allows you to see the person for who they are, not how they ideally fit you. You're not looking at a person and saying "I like him because he's attractive, or I like him because he does this or we have this in common." That's all selfish. Agape means taking that person for how they are, not how you've fantasized them to be in your daydreams. It's unconditional. Its impossible for it to be selfish because its based solely on them. You don't even factor into the equation. And thats what makes love so beautiful. But I think it's also really cool that God has a perfect place for all three, even eros- have you read Song of Soloman?!


     Bella and Edward's love? Re-read your books folks. It's Eros. (Because it certainly wasn't her personality that attracted him) My lasting crush love? Eros with a hint of phileo. But I've realized I've already screwed it up. We can't ever be in a relationship because this stupid hopeless romantic has already gone and doomed us. Because when I think about it, he's a great guy. He really is! And that's what makes it so hard to just let it go. But I honestly don't think I could ever love him for him anymore. Because now it'd be too hard to separate him from the perfect guy in my head I've made him out to be. The guy I want him to be and the needs I want him to fix. I'm trying to force my eros to be an agape and it can't be done. Not to mention I'm looking for fulfillment in the wrong place. I mean geez, filling that lonely hole in your heart? That's a lot of pressure for a guy! He's not meant to ever fill it. He can't, even if he tried.


     I used to live by the slogan that said "I'm just a Bella looking for my Edward." I used to think it was a romantic saying. But it's nothing compared with "I'm waiting discover my body, soul, and spirit life partner. It's going to be such a beautiful thing." Now that folks, is top notch romanticism. 


"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13)