Confessions of a "Phantom of the Opera" Lover...

After watching one of my favorite movies of all times recently I am left with a few thoughts. Permit me, if you will, to share some of them with you.

1) A kiss is very powerful. It can save your true love from being hanged by an evil, ugly, yet misunderstood being.

2) If you hate mirrors to the point that you want to cover them up or angrily smash them with a candlestick, why would you build them in your evil liar? I mean, you designed it- couldn't you have just not put them in?

3) Gerard Butler's voice when he sings "Music of the Night" is intoxicatingly sexy (sorry guys, but its true)

4) There is no reason why you can't sing at all times of the day. It seems the best way to express your feelings.

And finally last but certainly not least...

5) Everyone (including a phantom) can be redeemed.

It's this last one that I'd like to focus on. Because you see, I'm a firm believer that everyone has at least one redeemable quality if you look hard enough. But I know that a lot of people don't believe that's true. Call me ignorant, stupid, naive, whatever, but I still hold to the fact that people can change. Sometimes they just need someone to give them the chance. But I know that ANYTHING is possible with God, so why would I not believe that He could change their heart?

But all this aside, it gets me thinking. How gracious it is of God to redeem us. Because think about it, what have we got to offer?

So what is redemption you may ask? Well according to one Noah Webster it is "The action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment." I like this definition simply because it uses the words regaining possession. It relates more to the fall of man. We were in unity with God in the garden and then man fell. But Christ's blood brought us back and now we are restored if we choose to accept the gift. Think about it, that's a pretty big restoration- from complete unity to total doom back to complete unity. Romans 7:14 tells us that we were a bonded slave sold to sin. How strong is the love of Christ if He is able to break that bond? And not just break it, but defeat it!

Think about how much work it would take to redeem just one person from this kind of situation. And yet Christ redeemed the whole world. (1 John 2:2).

I think today Christians in general have lost the "awe" factor of the cross. We focus so much on the resurrection, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, that we often neglect the true meaning of the cross. It wasn't just the spot where Jesus died. It wasn't just a mandatory means of death so Christ could rise again. This was the place for all the shame. This was where He separated himself from the Father and declared, "My God My God, Why have you foresaken me?" (Matt 27:46). This was where Christ took on all the sin of man and declared, "It is finished." Paid in full. By dying on the cross He had set in motion the complete enactment of the finished work of God's intent for the restoration of mankind.

So it leads me back to that first question, why? Why us? What have we got to offer? I draw a blank. I am left without any thought, except one- love. It was all motivated by love. Humbling isn't it?

"So I'll cherish the old rugged cross till my trophies at last I lay down. I will cling to the old rugged cross..."

Confessions of a Wannabe Philosopher...

Something I've realized lately is that words are very powerful. I've heard all my life that "actions speak louder than words," but that doesn't give them any less significance. Words can utterly destroy someone. That is why a restraint on gossip is so needed, but that is another blog for another time. Proverbs 10 reminds us that words have tremendous power to raise or sink the spirits of the people around us.

This past semester at Navigators we studied Ephesians. And the verse that just slapped me upside the head was Eph. 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Now, I don't know about you, but I like to talk... A LOT. Those who don't know me think I'm quiet. Those that do wish I was. My poor roommate puts up with so much of my babble she should be given a purple heart. But the part that got me was, "only what is helpful for building others up..." It made me think. How would my relationship with people change if the only words I said to them were uplifting and encouraging?

Because here's the thing about encouragement- we all need it. And you never know how deeply what you say can affect someone. Just look at Barnabus. Now, if you haven't read up on your Bible trivia Barnabus' name means son of encouragement. And that's exactly what he was. Read Acts 9. After Saul's conversion "at once he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the Son of God"(vs 20). This is a man who had completely turned his life around. He was on fire. He was ready to go! So, what does he do? Paul travels to Jerusalem and tries to join the disciples. I mean, what better way to preach than with those chosen by Jesus Christ himself right?

But here's the end of the anecdote, they didn't believe him (vs 26). In fact, they were afraid of him, acting like he was a spy or something. Talk about rejection. That's got to put you down in the dumps! But we've all had moments like this. We've all had those times where we get excited and we hope, and then we get disappointed. And it's during these times that we find ourselves questioning whether we were ever on the right path to begin with.

These thoughts and doubts can turn to ruin if they go unchecked. I mean, think of what was going through Paul's mind. But God sent Barnabus. "And Barnabus took him and brought him to the apostles. He told them how Saul on his journey had seen the Lord and that the Lord had spoken to him, and how in Damascus he had preached fearlessly in the name of Jesus." (vs 27) Not only does Barnabus intercede on Paul's behalf, but he also brags on him a little.

And Barnabus also a few chapters later defends John Mark to Paul (Acts 16:36-41). Paul had been questioning John Mark's committment, but Barnabus stood up and said, "Hey, give him a chance, he can do it!"

We need someone who stands up and intercedes on our behalf. And thank God we have Christ! "Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died--more than that, who was raised to life--is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us." (Romans 8:34). But just because Christ is the ultimate example does not mean that in our pursuit of being like Him we get to be lazy.

Think of what could have happened to Paul if Barnabus had not said anything! Think of where John Mark would have ended up! Would we even have half of the New Testament Books?

It should seem obvious by now that the world likes to beat people down. All through school we wonder am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Can I really do this? Can I pursue my dream? Will I be successful? What if I'm not? What if I fail? And this is just one example. There are thousands more! We need that encouragement. We need someone to come along side us and say "Hey look, the only one right now that thinks you can't do it is you, because I know you can."

A great philosopher named Plato once said, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." And that's the simple fact of it. We need each other. We need someone to say something uplifting. Think about how much it changes your mood when someone simply compliments you. It kind of makes your day. At the very least it makes you smile. And you know what, the blessing goes both ways. Because when you encourage others, it makes you feel good too. You feel like you make a difference. Doing good for people really does make ou happy. Don't believe me, try it out for yourself. Why is this so? Because that's what we were created to do, and we know that our Father's pleased with us.

Don't be afraid to encourage. You never know when it just might make the battle sway the other way. And what better and more powerful words are there, than those that lift someone up? You're going to be remembered for something you say. Might as well make it good.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Confessions of a Relentless Tripper...

Nothing increases your confidence better than knowing that you did well. Knowing that you have performed to the best of your ability gives you the stamina to walk with your head held high. We've all felt it. I was no exception last Thursday. I had studied for over thirty hours for this biology test that I was extremely worried about. It had been looming over my head all week. And I had totally owned it! I walked away thinking, "Wow! That was easy!" I was confident I had gotten my "A" and was feeling mighty proud of myself for succeeding so well in a class that has a 30% drop/fail ratio.

My hubristic moment didn't last for too long however. I walked out the door and about twenty feet later completely kissed the concrete. I was walking with my head so high that I wasn't watching my feet and tripped over a raised part of concrete and completely ate it. Right in front of a ton of people too! My pride was shattered! Actually no, it wasn't that bad. I'm used to falling on my face. Just ask the people I live with- crutches are my most constant companion.

Anyway, after the moment of embarrassment and a quick lunch of endless mockery by my dear roommate I preceded to do my quiet time. My assigned passage to read for the day? Psalm 147:6 "The LORD sustains the humble, but casts the wicked to the ground." Nice one God!

But it got me thinking. Sometimes we do get a little too prideful. Okay, not sometimes, a lot of times. For the human race in general pride is a huge issue. And we laugh it off and joke, but it really is no joking matter. Pride is a serious issue. The gospels are constantly pointing out humility as who Christ was in His very nature. Even his birth was humble. From birth to death Christ was the epitome of humility. (Philippians 2:5-8, "In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!")

This is such a contrast to pride! And yet we joke it off as only "a little bit of an ego." I think have lost the realization of the power of pride. Meaning, I think they have lost respect for it as something to be cautious against. It is a huge weapon though, that when used has eternal consequences. It doesn't just consist of a battered ego, but can have serious affects upon your soul.

It certainly affected the rich young ruler in Luke 18:18-30. I've heard this passage preached on so many times as it is very applicable for the issue of greed. But I think it also applies to pride as well. This man was in a position of extreme power. He was a ruler. That's got to be a little bit of an ego boost. He asked the question, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" And Jesus responded, ""Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good -- except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.'" And what does he immediately say after that? "'All these I have kept since I was a boy,' he said." Boom! Right there! Pride! Before Jesus tells him to give up everything and follow him. Before the rich man becomes sad and decides not to or to do it. Before all of that, there is pride. And so many times this part is overlooked, because we all tend to focus on greed as the reason it is so hard for the rich to enter the kingdom of God (vs 24). But think about it, it makes sense. We all think of rich people as prideful and arrogant don't we?

Still don't believe that pride is actually a really big deal? Well, then let's go back to the king of pride himself- Satan. Pride is the backbone of why Satan fell. Read about it in Ezekial 28. It says, right there in verse 17, "Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor. So I threw you to the earth; I made a spectacle of you before kings." This is such a contrast to Christ and His humility! You don't get more opposite than that!

I don't know about you, but I think I'm going to start praying to trip a little more often...

Proverbs 15:33, "The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor."

Confessions of a Dying Breed...

Take a look at your local college campus. What do you see? Do you see people praying openly? Do you see people living by the morals by which God has commanded? Do you see hurt? Do you see abuse? Do you see injustice? Do you see devastation? Do you see the correlation between the lack of the former and the occurrence of the latter?

Indeed, it is like finding a rare jewel when we actually find someone willing openly to admit that they are Christians. Willing to openly discuss Bible study with others. Willing to pray in public. Willing to share their faith. Willing to live out the morals behind it. A spark goes off when such a person is found. We focus in, listening to their conversations. Wishing to be as strong as they are in their faith. They appear almost idolized solely on the basis that they are doing what they were supposed to be doing all along. Preaching Christ's redemption and glory.

Why is this so surprising? Because more and more we see no difference. We don't stand out. Our language, our morals fit right in with the rest of the world. We are lost in the crowd of the thousands rather than being the woman that reached out to the hope that was Jesus and was healed. What happened? We had that at one point didn't we? We experienced the joy and the power of salvation? We had found our way and we were on it.

Father forgive us. We have faltered. We are humans. Insignificant on our own. Desperately in need of grace, which You so freely give. Faltering. Not realizing there is no standard of perfection to be met before we can witness.

Deceit, judgement, abandonment, greed, power hunger, cruelty, eating disorders, suicide, war, homosexuality, abuse, murder, sexual immorality, anger, disease, death, violence, rape, selfishness, injustice. No compassion. No forgiveness. No kindness. No grace. No trust No peace. These are the things which plague the world looking for the cure. Looking for someone to simply outwardly say, "I know the truth! I know Peace! I know kindness! I know grace! I know forgiveness! I know comfort in death! I know the solution to pain! I have it! I'LL NEVER LOOSE IT! Let me show you."

Christians, where are we? Why are WE the dying breed? Why amongst all the cries of desperation and anguish, do we stand silent?

"Lord hear the cries of desperation. The lonely sighs longing for salvation..."

Confessions of a Sinking Dog...

The other day I beheld the strangest thing. There I was watch a movie (a chick flick of the upmost romanticness of course) and my dog, Charlie came, jumped on the sofa, and does what he does best- snuggled up to me. But after a short while he began to sink in the hole in between cushion on the couch so much so that he couldn’t really move when my dad brought out the treats. He struggled and struggled and ended up getting a little assistance to get out of the hole he was in. The whole situation was actually quite humorous.

But then Charlie did it again. After he got his treat he retreated back to the couch to the same spot. And of course I had to help him out again the next time he wanted to move. He’s now done this several times. Anyway, I sat there thinking “dumb dog. Why do you go right back to where you were when you know you’re going to get stuck?” But then the thought hit me. We do the exact same thing.

How many times has God pulled me out of a situation only to find myself right back in it? How many times have I repented and turned myself around only to need to do it again a week later? We do this a lot with God I think. How many times has He said “Rachel. Don’t go down that road. You know what will happen. You know you will sink. Its sin. You have no option but to sink.” And how many times have I responded with “But God, I still want to do it anyway!”?

They say dogs are man’s best friends, but I never thought they would serve as a blatant spiritual analogy.

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” (Psalm 40:2)

Confessions of a Bad Guitarist...

It's time for a bit of honesty. When I first started learning the guitar I was actually hoping to be a bit of a prodigy. I know it sounds far fetched, but I thought, "Hey, why not? I'm musical! Piano, flute, saxaphone. And I'm no Susan Boyle, but I'm definitely above a Britney Spears in the shower karaoke department." This idea was furthered when I watched August Rush right after I learned that both of my biological parents were experienced guitarists. Fate, right? Ha ha wrong! Now with that said am I going to give it up? Nah, I love it.

And since we're on the subject, I'm also lousy at chemistry and volleyball. But ya know, that's okay. I have things I'm not good at . You have things you're not good at. But that's why we were created to live in fellowship. We balance each other out! And when it comes to talents, it's not how many you are given, but rather how you use what you are given.

I think this idea as a whole is lost on America. We claim individualism yet we strive to be "well rounded." Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to try new things, but I think it has too much emphasis to be the best at everything. I mean the IV League schools all want it. it's not enough to just be brainy. Here's my stand on well-roundedness, If I am exactly the same as Susie Q and the 6 billion other people that live on this earth when it comes to talents, then why have them at all? Aren't I just more of a robot.

So, the question remains, even if I have the same exact talents as another person, what sets me apart? This my friends is where the world falls flat, and where Christianity THRIVES. What makes me different? How I use them to serve. Where I'm called. Because the whole point of being talented was never about you anyway. And the really cool thing about God is, even if you absolutely suck at something, you can still be used. Even if its only as a source of entertainment for others. No two masterpieces are ever exactly the same.

So here's to bad volleys and horrible chord strumming. To the talents you don't have, and the ones you do. Present or not, they're all useful.

“For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master's money. Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’ But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. (Matthew 25:14-29)

Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic (Part 3)...

Well, for those of you who know me it should be no surprise that once again I am admitting to being a hopeless, hopeless romantic. I mean seriously, love is always on my mind. And I realized it's been a little too much. I've been so worried about finding it. One of my biggest fears has always been to end up alone- to not have anyone to share your life with. I mean yeah, there's friends, but it gets hard when your friends have their own spouses/ boyfriends too.

But then I came across this verse today. 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." And let me just say, I LOVE THIS! "Perfect love drives out fear." God is love. God is that perfect, unconditional, unwavering love. I fear. I doubt. I have not been made perfect in love. I have not 100% completely trusted. I waver, God does not. And that love empowers us to love others. (vs 19)

With love in this world there seems to be a lot of ups and downs. Ever heard the expression that "love is a roller coaster"? And sometimes the ones we rely on let us down. And this creates fear. We fear they are going to do it again. We fear something will go wrong. I mean think about it, nobody goes into relationships wanting them to end. But they fear they might.

With perfect Love there is no fear. God is love. With God there is no fear. He will never love you more than He does right now. And the amazingness of His grace is that He will never love you less. So trust Him, I mean, after all, He's got a pretty good track record. I cannot think of even one incident where He hasn't brought something good out of it, even the heartbreaking ones. His love does not go up and down. God is constant.

1 John 4:16 "And so we know and RELY on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."

It's okay to be a hopeless romantic. It's okay to have love always on the brain; as long as it is the One who IS love. Replace those desires with something holy.

Lord, forgive me. I have forsaken my first Love.

"I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by GLORY...And I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves. Oh, how He loves us, Oh, Oh, how He loves us. How He loves us so."

Confessions of a People Watcher...

Have you ever just sat and watched people? I mean not in the creepy, psycho way, but just with the naive innocent, curious way? It's fascinating what you will find. People do the funniest things, if only you could capture it. Hmm, maybe that's why I love photography so much.

Anyway, the other day I sat and just watched. You know, there's a lot you can tell about people by the way they interact. But something I also realized is that with people watching you have to be careful. Because it is amazing how fast those "perceptions" turn into judgements and comparisons.

And it got me thinking. I'm too quick to judge others. Just last week I heard a quote that said "Only the Christian army turns around and shoots its wounded." And you know, they're right in a way. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not advocating total tolerance. Not by any means. There are some things that are, in their very nature, sin. And Christ is very clear on his intolerance of sin. But I think too many times we condemn someone by what they do and the mistakes they make, and not who they really are- someone who has received the grace of Christ. We turn into courtrooms instead of hospitals and neglect to realize we are in no position to be the judge. In fact, I've been a pretty crappy nurse lately. I thought about this and I kind of had one of those mirror/self-reflection moments. I realized, I definitely wouldn't want someone looking at me and judging me based off of my past mistakes.

The call of the Christian is not to condemn. It is compassion. It is discernment. It is accountability. Because when you look at the big picture, we're all screw ups. We are all in need of grace. None of us deserve any blessings that have been given us. And that's where I believe the difference lies. We are not at any place to condemn, but are called to accountability. We're not on a high horse, but rather stuck in the mud with everybody else. But that's where humility and compassion come in. It's recognizing yes, you messed up. Yes, I messed up. No, that is NOT okay. Yes, there needs to be a change. I mean even Matthew 7 which says in it's very first verse "Do not judge or you too will be judged" later goes on to say in verse 6 "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Don't be a fool and completely tolerant. Keep your convictions, just not the condeming attitude.

Because that's really in it's core what sets us apart. Being intolerant and recognizing sin as sin, but recognizing grace and love of our Savior and mirroring them. Recognizing that we are just as much in need of forgiveness and pardoning of sins, and pointing to the only one who can offer it. Because let's face it, the world has enough judgement as it it. We are constantly being rated on the way we look, dress, act, how much money we make, our relationships, what kind of cars we drive etc. The last thing they need is more from someone who is called to "Do everything in love" (1 Corinthians 16:14) And accountability is a huge part of love.

Now, if y'all will excuse me I'm going to go ice my bucked-off-the-high-horse kicked butt.

"Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."- Plato

Confessions of a Delayed Thanksgiving...

I am blessed with great friends, great family, and hilarious moments. I swear sometimes I should make a video diary of my life, compile it into film, and title it "Yes. That. Really. Just. Happened." I mean I've never really been unhappy with my life, but I'm realizing now it's in the little things. The little gestures that just make you laugh when you look back and remember them. You just can't help but smile. It's truly beautiful.

So my friends, I'm making a motion that every day should be Thanksgiving. And I'm not just talking about unlimited pumpkin pie. Because even when life isn't so beautiful, there is still a reason to smile. Someone wise once said, "A day without laughter is a day wasted" and I completely agree. So, the question remains, how do we find joy when there is nothing but sadness and devastation around? I mean, after all it's a command. 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

In Christ Jesus. That's the key. Because no matter what happens, no matter what goes wrong or who abandons you, His grace and love never will. You will never fall out of His hands. So respond to it.

It's such a simple truth, yet it's amazing how much more of an optimist it can make you. Knowing that every day you wake up and can breathe and have life, you are unbelievably blessed.

If anyone had a reason to have a negative attitude, it was the apostle Paul. I mean think about it, the guy had been in prison, beaten, scourged, beaten with rods, stoned, shipwrecked, and poor. But through all this, he remained positive. Why? Paul had "learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need" (Phil. 4:12). "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me," (Phil. 4:13).

Paul's attitude was, "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God" (Rom. 8:28). Paul knew that God used everything in his life for good, even when suffering greatly for the cause of Christ.

And that is something to be thankful for. The hope that even in the crappiest of situations, no matter what you've done, God is still God. And that God is one pretty awesome guy.

The greatest blessing you can ever give and receive is life. Even Jesus said "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) He gave His for us. To save us so we could live.

Through grace and love and mercy we have life. And what an amazing life it is. Full of innumerable blessings worthy of the highest praise. All you have to do is start looking. And once you do, you are truly thankful.

"I Love this crazy tragic, sometimes, almost magic. Awful beautiful life."

Confessions of a Crappy Blogger...

The New Year always brings resolutions. But for me it's mostly a time for reflections. A chance to look back on the previous year and see the good, the bad, the ugly. So, as I was randomly sitting contemplating my existence one night a thought occurred to me. I haven't been blogging lately. As a not so subtle sign, that same week I received a letter in the mail from a pen pal saying she missed reading my blogs. Then, this past week another dear friend of mine again questioned why the "Confessions of a..." had suddenly disappeared. Well, this thought really bothered me. Because I read back through all the other confession blogs and I was amazed at what God was teaching me. I was amazed at how passionate I had been for Him. I was amazed at how much He had almost made a ministry out of taking a few short minutes a couple of times a week and blogging. So I asked myself, why haven't I been blogging lately?

The answer my friends, not so great. Why haven't I been blogging lately? I can lie and tell you it's because I've been busy. I can say there was just too much to do. I can say God had called me to other ministries. But that's not actually what happened. The truth? I stopped being inspired. And I stopped being inspired because I stopped looking for inspiration (God).

Now, normally I'm not one for regrets, but I kind of feel like this past semester was a waste. I mean, yeah I got the majority of the class work that needed to be done finished, but I realized, I really didn't feel like me this semester. And I began to wonder what changed. I'll tell you what changed- where I sought my identity.

See I've been the textbook example of "on-fire Christian who buys into the lies of the world" this past semester. And let me just say, it doesn't work. I put my identity in what others thought of me. I became a people pleaser doing things and saying things to feel accepted and included. But what did I end up with? A ruined self-esteem and like a permanent state of PMS-I was seriously a you-know-what this past semester. I got so frustrated because I knew that this "girl" that I'd fashioned and was displaying was not who I really was. It was truly an identity crisis. I'd look in the mirror and not even recognize her.

Luke 9:23,25, "Then he said to them all: 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?'"

Well, it’s no wonder I’m having an identity crisis! I have forfeited my very self! I was defined by God. He was my Maker, my Creator, my Savior, my Father, my LORD. And I, not Him, but I have removed myself. I’ve thrown Him to the wind and said, “Forget you God. You don’t define me anymore. I define me.” Biggest mistake I have ever made. Because I am NOTHING without Christ. I have no purpose, no motivation, no anything. And now I am a heartbroken lover, standing by the side wishing for things to go back to the way they were. Wondering how they ever stopped being the way they were. Consumed by my idol. Given in to temptation.

I feel like a crazy ex-girlfriend. I miss God. I miss having Him on my mind. I miss talking to Him fervently. I miss hearing His voice. I miss my quiet times. I miss His Joy. I miss Peace. I miss being able to blog about what He has been teaching me. I miss looking, seeing, and being amazed at how He was involved in every tiniest minutest detail of my life. Dare I say, I even miss the conviction of trusting Him with my love life.

My identity changed when I forsook my first love. And I forsook my first love for acceptance. Acceptance which I really didn't get in the end anyway. It's like Ecclesiastes says- Meaningless! It's all meaningless!

But this changes now. So what if people don't like me? So what if they ridicule me because I'm "religious". I am who I am. And I am a child of God. I was stupid to think I could ever be anything but! He defines me. I'm sorry world, but you're out! You've done WAY more harm than good.

The good news in all this? Grace. As my very wise sunday school teacher put it, "You can take thousands of steps away from God, but it only takes one to turn you back around."

So, 2011 school year and blogs- Here's lookin' at you kid!

"I don't want you to know where I am 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been. This is no place to try and live my life. Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it. See that line. Well I never should have crossed it. Stop right there. Well I never should have said That it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back. I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again. 'Cause who I am hates who I've been. WHO I AM HATES WHO I'VE BEEN."-Reliant K

Confessions of a Repeating Blogger...

"There's nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." Have you ever had the occurrence where you feel you are learning a lesson that has already been taught to you? An instance where you've already been reminded that God is Sovereign and you thought that you had gotten past that and yet God still brings you back around and teaches you again? Well, if you have I'd like to say welcome to my world right now. I'm not really sure why, but it seems that everything I'm struggling with now I have severely struggled with before. It's the same story. The same issues, just in a different circumstance. And I begin to wonder, what's the point? I begin to grow weary at the thought of what I'm heading into again.

But then I realize, sometimes, we need to be reminded of things we've already learned. Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we don't grow in a straight line, exponentially up. Sometimes its more of a spiral. The point of this? For God to come along and remind us that He is Sovereign. No matter how many times you may face the same issue, you always learn something different from it. No matter how many lessons you learn, you always realize that God is sovereign through it.

Honestly, last year I struggled with loneliness, death, hopeless romanticism, confidence, self esteem, and idolatry. My issues this year? The exact same. And I grow weary at the thought. I'm tired. I've found myself saying, "What the heck God? I thought that bridge was crossed?" And He ever so gently reminds me, "Not yet Rachel. That bridge still has a few potholes that you skipped over that need to be fixed. But, Do not Fear. Your life right now is sporadic. Your life right now is crazy. Your life right now is random, ever-changing. But I am constant. I will not move, so don't you move away from me, even if you feel you can't find me. My love for you is never-ending." Psalm 121:3 "He will not let your foot slip-He who watches over you will not slumber"

"You know when I wake, when I rise, when I pray, when I curse You. And You love me the same. You know when I stumble and fall, and You're there through it all. The only unchanging one..."