Ya know, I've realized something lately. Don't worry this is not
going to be a "Woe is me" blog. Been there. Done that. Spare you the
snot-nosed, salty tear stories. But, here's the thing that I've realized: I'm
very much in a Wilderness point in my life. Some of you are sitting there
reading this and chuckling to yourself while thinking, "No duh, Sherlock.
It took you that long to figure that out?" But please be patient with me.
Trust me, I've known all along I was lost and confused with no sense of direction.
And you might even make a Bakersfield joke out of it saying I'm literally in
the middle of a hot, nowhere. That is not the point. The point is, I'm
searching. Searching for where to go because I'm wandering, but also searching
for answers as to why I was led to the wilderness to begin with.
My initial response to the question of how did I end up here was as
follows: "Because God's absent. Because He doesn't care. Because I've
totally made a mess of my life and am nothing but a screw up. Because I'm being
punished." And when I get in those pity party modes these are still the
lies I revert back to. But that's just it. They're lies. So then, recognizing
this, I turn to the churchy sunday school answers: "Because God is
refining me. Because God is making me a new creation. Because God is working
behind the scenes. Because God has called me for such a time as this."
Granted, these may be true, but these mere shallow statements still leave
something to be desired. I cannot accept these as answers until I delve further
into Him and His word.
But that's besides the point. Having been discontented with my pity
parties and honestly lacking much motivation to do anything (including in depth
Bible study) lately, I've began to realize there may be a third answer. Call it
one of those Godly epiphanies if you will. Perhaps I am being led into the
wilderness for my protection. Perhaps I am there to be strengthened. Perhaps,
in God's infinite wisdom and knowledge, He realized that if I had gotten
everything I've wanted, it would lead me further down a path of idolatry. Which
would then further my depression when that idolatry no longer satisfied.
Perhaps He knew that I would foolishly completely give my heart to something
(or someone) that would only take advantage of it. That didn't treasure it, or
really care about it at all. Perhaps He knew that if He didn't pull me into the
wilderness, I would destroy myself. This is not to say Long Beach is evil and I
became a heathen when I lived there. This is not to say, I may still need to be
pulled a little more into the wilderness because even while there I'm still
struggling with these same issues. This is not to say that if I ever
returned to Long Beach it would ruin my life and send me down the wrong path.
But its merely just a thought. Long Beach gave me independence (much missed).
It gave me the freedom to make my own schedule, pursue my own interests, and
dictate how I spent my time. I liked that. Ask my mom. I've always been a very
hard headed and independent individual. Can you say baby who refused to be put
on a schedule? Don't even get her started on the potty training fiasco. But
I've digressed. Back to Long Beach and my independence. Sure there was school
schedule and work schedule, but that was different. I don't mind that so much.
But having the choice of how I spent my freedom also gave me the option to
pursue my passions and things I really just enjoyed doing. Again, not
necessarily bad things- until they became obsessions. All of them quickly
somehow tweaking to be self-detrimental and all of them placed over God. I was
spiraling down into a soon to be big mess.
I could see it start to happen. I could see where those hikes I
enjoyed doing soon became a desperate need to exercise because I was obsessed
with the way I looked. I could see that guy friend I really enjoyed randomly
running into in the most awkward places soon became the one I would wish to run
into every time I went to the gym or the beach or even to church (places I know
he frequently visited). I could see how wanting to hang out and have fun with
friends was starting to become a go out and be afraid to be yourself so you'll
conform thing. I was fully aware how my desire to have a job, be an independent
adult, and be employed became the sole consuming thing I lived for. And
honestly, it was depressing. And hopeless. There seemed no way to end it and no
way to make it better. I know what you're thinking. "He gives hope to the
hopeless." Its funny though how as humans that is not our first thought.
So, is all of this to say that maybe me being pulled into the wilderness was not for my initial unbiblical thought of punishment (note: I said punishment, not discipline- big difference), or simply a testing of my faith (although it certainly is that too). Is it possible that God knew beyond my circumstances where I was headed and that Him pulling me into the wilderness for however brief (or length) of time was indeed not merely a disciplinary action, but an act of mercy? Is it possible that all these trials, pain, and difficulties have not made me need mercy, but instead have exposed that I have been sustained by mercy all along? Woah, I know. There's a thought to chew on. And hey, I'm in the wilderness. I've got nothing else going for me. There's plenty of time to chew.
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