If you've talked to me for more than five minutes you probably
already know I'm a lover of the beach. And I've developed this new love of the
beach at night. Hopeless romanticness aside, I also find it to be a place of
calm and peace. Even more so at night than in the daytime. It's usually the
place I go to escape the chaos that is my school life. And when I leave that
soft cool sand, I return to the busy LA world feeling rejuvenated and
refreshed. But alas, last night this was not the case.
As I sat there staring at the waves last night I began to cry.
It was at this point that I started mentally kicking myself. "Really
Rachel? Second week of school is a little early for a meltdown don't you
think?" But then again, I'm taking Phycology. A whole semester studying
algae is enough to make anyone weep. But what surprised me is what I was crying
about. In 8 months I will be graduating and leaving Long Beach. Where I'll end
up is a whole other blog entirely, but its like it suddenly dawned on me. I
won't be able to just run out to Seal Beach at night. Those California waves
will no longer be only five minutes away. I won't have the consistency that is
school. My friends here will all be elsewhere. I might even be back under my
parent's roof. And don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but I also love my
independence. All of a sudden I found myself wishing to be a freshman again.
School has been my pattern of life for the past 17 years! What on earth am I
going to do?!
I realized time is precious. And these five years that have
seemed to go on forever have been nothing but a short blip. That's a terrifying
concept to me! I also realized (although I already knew this one) that I
loathe, detest, and abominate change. And as the ending time gets closer, I
find myself getting more frustrated. Where doors should start to be closing,
I'm finding they're still open. Where I should be reaffirming and gaining
confidence in my calling, I'm now questioning. And I find myself honestly
getting frustrated with God. When it seems like its coming down to the wire and
He should start giving me answers I find He has never been more silent.
It was this same frustration that I left the beach with and
propelled me to escape again. So I went to my secret spot. It's this little
place right off the northern end of Crystal Cove State park. I first discovered
it a few years ago and it has been the perfect place to just think, journal,
pray, and listen. Every time I've been there the place has been deserted. I've
had at least forty-five minutes to myself before someone else has discovered
the road less traveled. I've always thought of it as a sanctuary. But today my
sanctuary was breached. Within five minutes, Rocko the miniature poodle was
making his way down those dirt steps pulling his pampering owner behind. Being
the animal lover, I petted Rocko and secretly resented his owner for disturbing
my "God time."
But as I watched them hike away a new thought hit me. This was
not the only sanctuary where unwelcome guests had been. Inside all of our
hearts there is this place. It is the place only God can fill. 1 Cor. 3:16
tells us that we are the temple of God and that His spirit dwells in us. It is
a Holy, intimate, and sacred place. It is the safest place to be. And we are
entirely in control of who enters it. Even Christ Himself stands at the door
and knocks (Rev. 3:20) If you ask me, we have too much power. Because the thing
is this. I've been letting too many crashers into the party. There's been too
many things that I've been using to fill this place. And not all of them bad.
Good relationships with people are awesome, but they don't belong in this
place. The beach is beautiful, but no amount of ocean water can fill this
place. Working out, being adventurous, being studious, having fun may help give
you a longer and happier life, but when put inside this sanctuary, it merely
becomes a storage shed.
And I began to realize a few things. First, God has always
been a God of last minutes with me. It seems that at the end when I finally
give up He steps in and just BAM opens a door. And it's always way better than
I could ever imagine. I need to remember this more. Secondly, it may be that
God is staying silent right now and just asking me to trust Him, but it could
also be He is speaking and is being crowded out. Because this intimate place
that He and I have is being filled with a whole lot of junk. And I'm a neat
freak! How did I let this happen?! Have you seen my apartment? It's spotless!
SPOTLESS!
So, I reflect again and I realize that places you live may
come and go. Circumstances may change. But this sanctuary I will have as long
as I breathe. And it's time for a little spring cleaning.
"One thing I ask from the Lord, this only
do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the
days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek
him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in
his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and
set me high upon a rock." -Psalm 27:4-5
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