Confessions of a Pandemic...

Life is interesting at times, isn’t it folks? A month ago little did we know we’d all be asked to stay inside as a pandemic swept across the nation. Little did we know that toilet paper, the thing we used to throw on the trees of our enemies, would become a most precious commodity. That social distancing, a practice which I exercised of my own every single weekend, would become a sort of prison to millions. Life is totally and completely unpredictable at times. I have contemplated this a lot as I have lived through recent events.

I read back over old blogs written not so long ago. And they tell a very interesting story. They’re the story of a marine biologist turned jobless graduate. They’re the story of a girl who would do any and every job to survive and wonder if she was going to ever get out of her parent’s house. They are stories filled with life crumbling around her as she lost loved ones in horrific ways. They’re the story of a girl wanting nothing more than to hear from God and yet being faced with absolute silence. They are stories of regret. Regret in letting a friendship go that I should have fought more to protect, regret in not setting boundaries up more securely in another. Regret of not spending more time with someone. Regret in not maintaining the body I had fought so hard to get. Regret in not pursuing nursing.

Then came Nashville. Nashville was totally unexpected! It was a chance to spread my wings! It was a chance to make everything better. Only it wasn’t. At the end of the day I was still stuck in the same circle. Loving my coworkers and babies, but working a job I honestly hated and was miserable at. Stuck in a low income apartment with a 1 1/2 hour commute each way and still struggling to fit in with a church. But God, I questioned, did you forget Nashville was my fresh start? Things were not supposed to be how they were in California. I wasn’t supposed to be too depressed to function. I wasn’t supposed to be stuck in a dead end job I hated. I wasn’t supposed to be struggling to connect with people at church. I wasn’t supposed to still be burying the people i loved. Nashville was my turn around. Get with it God! Follow the game plan here! Good church, good job, good man, babies, nursing school. Thats how it was supposed to go! I grew frustrated. I’d read over and over “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14) and yet nothing changed. I tried. I tried to have the attitude of Shadrach, Meshack, and Abendigo before they were thrown into the furnace. “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17-18). Still I grew frustrated at the fact that very little seemed to change. For years. I had endured endless pain for years. 

I have long pondered over the reason why the Jewish people chose to let Barabus go instead of Jesus. I know, sudden change of subject here, but bear with me.  I mean, he was a murderer. Were they idiots? Jesus was no threat to them. Why not free him? But then it suddenly dawned on me recently what Barabus actually represented. Control.  Just like the people of Israel asking for a king in the old testament, the people wanted a leader to help override their fear. In the Old Testament, they  were afraid of being attacked from other nations so they asked for a king. In Jerusalem, they  were afraid of being suppressed by the romans so they freed the zealot who had led murderous rebellions against the romans. It was their own solution to the Roman problems. And that’s where satan preys. He wants us to think our solutions are better than God’s. 

I can honestly tell you I do believe Nashville was a part of God’s plan all along. Not in the way I thought originally but its so interesting to look back even over the past two months. God knew. He knew coronavirus was coming and if I had gotten a job at SeaWorld I would now be unemployed. If I had pursued nursing I would be risking my life serving in Los Angeles county without proper medical equipment. He knew that I needed that first job here to be mom to a roomful of babies. He knew I needed to love them and be loved by them. That I needed to understand selfless love and endurance. He knew that it was time to leave that job and so he opened that door. He knew that a lady would be retiring and a company would be desperate for a biller because they were finally looking when they should had been doing it months before. He knew that the two people conducting the first interview were also former teachers who understood completely what it meant to feel like you weren’t called to it and the burnout that ensued, and thus were the only ones who understood wanting a complete career change. He knew this job would be essential. He knew I would get hired right before a pandemic struck shutting down virtually all hiring and yet would still be able to work 40 plus hours through it. He knew that a girl who had postponed for months on end getting new tires because she couldn’t afford it would go to work for a tire company where she could get new tires for an unbelievable price. He knew that this same girl needed a boss and coworkers who were not afraid to let her know that they were praying for her as she struggled to cram seven years worth of knowledge from the retiree into her head in a month. God knew. He knew what I needed all along. And no, this job and this current life I’m living is not without its frustrations. It’s not perfect. But He knows what’s next. Be it this is my forever job, or this is another stepping stone. 

This pandemic is scary. This pandemic is not without legitimate concerns for the economy and mental well being of our nation. I am concerned about the psychology of food scarcity. I’m concerned when I see empty grocery store shelves and people buying beyond what they need. I am concerned that there is something we are not being told. I am concerned about how quickly the virus spreads. I am concerned about the hysteria. I am concerned about being so far away from my parents who are both over 60. I am concerned because I still have to work in close proximity to people every day. I am concerned because I have seen a huge majority of selfish people who put their needs above anyone else’s. I am concerned about Italy. I am concerned about what this is going to do to us as a country economically. Business can’t afford to pay employees and not be making money because they are closed. Or people can’t afford to be out of work. And applying for disability or unemployment isn’t going to work because everybody will be doing it. I’m concerned we are headed for a greater recession than we saw in 2008. But most of all I am concerned spiritually. We are called to worship together in fellowship and community for a reason. Satan seeks to isolate us from others and from God. And yes, to an extent I understand why we must close churches, but I worry about those who will be facing a severe spiritual battle because of it. I’m concerned. But I’m not panicked. My God already knew this was going to happen before the first infection in China. And He knows how it’s going to end. And so I am left with only one conclusion: troubles will come. It will not be smooth sailing any more from here than it has been in the past. But God is faithful. God is faithful. I get it now. I heard the late Dr. Dave and Ruth Wood tell it to me my whole life. I questioned how they could live that truth with all the heartbreak they had endured. I get it now. So please, let me remind you of it today and pray we both remember it in the future when struggles come again. God is faithful. God is faithful. Nothing has happened nor will happen that our loving Father has not seen. GOD IS FAITHFUL. I hope that truth brings you peace tonight.