Confessions of a Convicted Gym Goer...

I've realized something lately. And it's something that actually kind of surprises me. I am actually a pretty competitive person. I never thought I was. I never cared if someone did better than me on a test or that I was second chair in band instead of first. None of those little things ever really got my attention. But I've realized lately, when it comes to sports, it's a whole different story. Which leads me to my anecdote.

There I was at the gym, my usual Saturday afternoon ritual, pushing myself on the treadmill. I had just peaked at four miles and was pretty smiley that I hadn't even stopped for a break. I could feel my ankle starting to ache, my quads starting to burn, and my calves deciding they would join in the complainfest too, so I decided it was probably just about time to finish up. My back was soaked with sweat. It felt awesome! But, just as I was about to click the treadmill down this random girl walked up and picked the treadmill right next to mine. Normally, this wouldn't phase me, even if all the other ones were completely empty, but this girl was doggin' me I could tell. She walked up, stretched a little, glanced over at how many miles I had ran and my speed and scoffed. Yep, that's right, she scoffed. And that was it. That little disgusted noise was enough to get my blood boiling. It was going down. So I cranked the treadmill back up, going past my usual speed, and ran until she quit and got tired. Four more miles, psh. I gave a sweet smile of satisfaction as she climbed down. "That's right!" I thought. "Step off. What now? Scoff at me! I could outrun your butt any day!" My ego was astronomical at that moment. And then you know what they say, pride goes before a fall.

I made it down the stairs and out the rec center doors, but it was just about then that my muscles completely gave out. I fell. I couldn't stand anymore. Part of it was a symptom of whatever neurological condition I have, the other part was I had just flat pushed myself too far. As my legs remained numb for the next twenty minutes I sought refuge on the benches, which gave me time to think and God time to seriously convict.

I realized that I hadn't just had a moment of competitiveness because she scoffed. The truth was, I probably would have done the same thing even if she hadn't shot me that look. I had already done it to girls on the ellipticals. I had done it to girls in tennis in high school. Guys there was no worries. I knew and accepted the fact that they could outrun me, but as I flashed back to my tennis days I remembered how there was a time I was so extremely jealous of my best friend because she was better than I was. And it affected our friendship for a while. It led me down a road of constantly comparing myself to others and jealousy.

But then it hit me. I didn't know this treadmill girl. I didn't know her story, her struggles. I didn't even know what had happened to her that morning. And here I was ripping her apart in my mind. Berating her, insulting her. And even though she had no idea, she didn't need that. Each of us are hard enough on ourselves. She needed compassion, mercy, and gentleness. I was hit with Colossians 3:12, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." That jealous competitiveness I had towards her, and those self-loathing thoughts that followed via the comparison weren't good. They weren't holy. God didn't want me to think that way about her or myself. We are both His beautiful creations. It wasn't fair or right to treat her any differently (Titus 3:1-5).

And that's where the struggle comes in. Casting out those thoughts and replacing them with something holier. Because the truth is, my mind for the majority of the day is not filled with holy thoughts. It's filled with jealousy, discontentment, guys, and the shallow lies of the world. And it's time to make those thoughts go away. I've just let them sit there for so long, assuming that's just how it's going to be. It's not even a conscience act to think them anymore. They come so natural. But now it's time to get conscience. To pray for those thoughts to be removed. To clothe my mind in something holier because I've been trapped into believing that I have to live this way, but I don't. I'm called to something better. I'm called not only to have purity of heart and body, but purity of mind. God has saved and redeemed me. I have the power to be free. The power to renew my mind (Romans 12:2). I simply only have to ask.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)

Confessions of a Confessor...

Who am I? This is an interesting question. Many people try to answer it in so many ways. I've posted before on identity so for the sake of not rehashing I'm going to let you know this is not a blog of who am I, but rather Who am I hiding? What is keeping me in the darkness? Who is this person that I'm so terrified people will see? Because the truth is, I know who I am. I'm an actress, and a pretty darn good one at that. But who I am hiding entails knowing what I am enslaved by- those unconfessed sins we walk around utterly petrified someone will find out about. Those things which if we let fester rob us of our joy. They rob us of our true identity.

They are our idols, our addictions, our shame. They are lies. They are sins. They are condemnation. They are those thoughts in our heads which say, "You can't tell someone that you did that! They will judge you!" And some might. But what about grace? What about those who fall under and live by grace? There is no judgement here- only salvation. No slavery to keep yourself hidden so no one will know, but freedom. Such freedom in surrender!

I have experienced such freedom. Years and years of hiding sins under the table, months of thinking I was the only one who struggled has finally led me to confession. I am Rachel. I am not perfect. I've struggled with depression, self esteem issues, people pleasing, eating disorders, porn (yes, girls watch it too and I've found hope in discovering I was not the only girl in the room who did), idolatry, anger, jealousy, and discontentment in comparing myself to others. But I have found I have been lied to. Yes, you should always be wise in choosing who you confess to. Not everyone can be trusted. But this week I met other girls who have struggled with every single one of these same issues. And we have all come together and trusted. Friendships have been formed. We have all come together realizing we are under grace. And where I once feared being rejected and cast away, I now find unity with my fellow sisters in Christ. I find common ground. I find acceptance. I find an inexplicable joy. I find hope. I find peace. I find love. I find forgiveness. I find thoughts of "Why did I not do this sooner? I would have if I knew it'd make me feel this way!" My chains are gone. Who am I hiding? No one. All has been exposed in the light (Ephesians 5:13). Who am I? I am free!

"Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD'-- and You forgave the guilt of my sin." (Psalm 32:5)

Confessions of a Bad Patient...

Patient. That word can have numerous meanings. All of them seem to make you cringe. Whether it's knowing that you are going to have to wait fervently for something, or actually being a patient at a doctor's office, it is enough to make you shy away from ever purposefully going down that road. But it's funny how the two often coincide.

Enter my life. Over the past few weeks and continuing, I've learned quite a bit about patience. And ironically enough, it has come through being one. Being tested for multiple sclerosis and other neurological diseases tends to make you a little anxious. Not being able to feel the safety pin prick or touch my finger to the doctor's fingertip and back to my nose or walk heal to toe is frustrating. I should be able to do those things with no problem and I'm failing! And to be honest, sometimes its hard not to cry out to God and ask "Why? Why is this happening to me? Haven't I been through enough?" But its in these waiting rooms when I feel the most alone that I hear God speak, "You need me Rachel. I have not abandoned you. I am here. I am with you in this. Yes, you will have to endure some things. EMG tests are painful; brain MRI's are scary; the unknown and hospitals are terrifying. But I am God. You have nothing to fear." I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11. God does not plan harm for us. I must trust that somehow, even through all the blood tests, this will work out for my good.

And so here I stand. Going through one of the most difficult times in my life. And sometimes the fear is crippling. Sometimes I feel so alone. But God is still God. And despite all the chaos, there's perfect peace. "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day." (2 Timothy 1:12) And sometimes the hardest part is entrusting it. Because it means relinquishing the reigns- total surrender and letting go. But can I say, if I have learned anything these past couple of weeks, it's that it's worth it. I'm certainly not well enough equipped to handle it alone. Sometimes we all need to sit in a waiting room. That may be EXACTLY where God wants us."Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

Confessions of a Bad Student...

So, I'm being a bad student once again using facebook to procrastinate from studying, but I think this one will be excused. I don't really know how to start off this time, no funny little anecdotes came to mind, so I'm just going to jump right in.

I've had a big problem with surrender lately. Some things I've been surrendering too easily to, like alcohol and attention seeking. Others, I haven't surrendered enough or at all, like selflessness or God. Especially God. But I have a feeling thats very soon about to change.

I was having lunch with a good friend last week and as we often do, we were catching up on how things were going, not only personally, but spiritually. It was awesome! We were perfectly and completely honest with each other about where we stood with God. And I rememeber telling her how I was really struggling with God's will versus my will. I remember saying how I felt like there were things as a christian I should want (example: pursuing holiness, to love God more, and even a relationship with a guy who is on fire for God not just lukewarm), but things that to be honest I didn't necessarily have a desire for. I wanted to do it my way. I wanted who I wanted, whether or not I could do better. I was content being lukewarm myself. I told her that I felt like God was saying "Trust me" and I was saying "Screw you." I knew better. I knew that I should want better desires. I knew that God intends only good and He has the best plan for my life and I should follow and obey. But I didn't want to. I wanted to be stubborn and do things my own way even though I was fully aware they wouldn't work. I guess you could say I'd already seen the end before it began.

I knew all along it was a stupid and futile decision to fight against God. I knew He was right. The problem was never whether or not I agreed with God. It was whether or not I wanted to obey God. Anyway, back to the point. I told her I felt like this would soon come to an end though. I had this gut feeling that God and I were about to have a smack down, or rather a show out. I knew He wasn't going to let me get along too far without Him.

I went home that night and another friend had posted a blog about her surrender in the area of her love life. Coincidence? I think not. I read over her story and thought, "That's great! I wish I could learn to do that, but it will never happen." Sure I surrendered my life. I am saved, but my love life? Psh, forget it. Which brings me once again to being a bad student. In another attempt at failed procrastination I ended up watching a sermon I have on DVD from a pastor who had done a series on singlehood. One of the very first lines out of his mouth was "Single people are often willing to give everything to God except that thing He desires most- their heart and their love life. For some reason they think the God of the universe won't handle that one." Okay God, I can take a hint, I thought.

So I began praying. "God, honestly, I'm not striving for holy things. I'm not pursuing Your will, or your direction and advice. I don't really care to have it. I don't really want better desires even though I know I've settled for trashy, worldly ones. So God, teach me to have better desires. Teach me to desire a relationship with You again like I once did. Teach me to want to put you first." And while there's no definite physical proof- I haven't completely done a 180 and am now a whole new surrendered person in a week and this is just a lovely little story about my past- I do feel like God is starting something. Little by little, through little things and little interactions, I'm beginning to realize that it's gonna be okay. That those things that once were "No way God! What are you doing?! This is not how I wanted it to go!" are now "I still don't like this God, but somehow I can't feel too upset about it. Somehow there's peace."

It's a journey. A journey that's literally only just begun. This isn't a blog about the past. It's the blog about the present. The story is nowhere near finished. But little by little, chapters keep getting written. Even as I was driving home tonight I kept playing Sanctus Real's song "Whatever You're Doing." Every lyric rings true of my life right now. That song expresses my story better than I ever could. Check it:

"It's time for healing time to move on It's time to fix what's been broken too long Time to make right what has been wrong It's time to find my way to where I belong There's a wave that's crashing over me And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace It's hard to surrender to what I can't see but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone Time to begin again Re-evaluate who I really am Am I doing everything to follow Your will Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills So show me what it is You want from me I give everything I surrender to...

Time to face up Clean this old house Time to breathe in and let everything out That I've wanted to say for so many years Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me It feels like chaos but I believe You're up to something bigger than me Larger than life something Heavenly..."

John 4: 23-24, "But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”

Confessions of a Bad Banana...

This morning I was in a bit of a banana crazed mood. I know what you're thinking. Really Rachel? You're going to write a blog about bananas? Go with me on this. Anyway, after I had finished my banana nut muffin I decided to move on to the real thing. I was pleased to find my mom had just gone to the store and I beheld three seemingly perfectly ripe bananas. They had no bruises on the outside, no dark indentations either. Their skin was a perfect yellow. And they had that slight firmness to them. I couldn't have gone out to the backyard and picked better ones off the tree. Or so I thought.

Upon opening the first one I discovered the inside to be almost completely black. It was disgusted. I stood there in almost a state of shock. Not because I'd never seen a rotten banana before, but my brain didn't almost believe what my eyes were telling me. What looked so good and perfect on the outside was completely putrid on the inside. After opening two other bananas only to find the exact same thing I gave up. What a waste of a sixty-nine cents.

I never expected a banana would let me down like that, but I also never expected to learn such a spiritual analogy from it either. It made me think. How many times have I been just like this banana? I mean, I look good from the outside. I go to church every Sunday, I read my Bible, I write blogs, I live by the phrase "no wed, no bed" and while I enjoy an occasional drink, I never have more than 1 at a time. I don't do drugs, I stayed in school, all around I look pretty good on the outside. I'm religiously a'okay. But when you get to the heart is the same true? That one I'm not so sure about.

I've realized lately just how legalistic the church can be at times. And we get so caught up in it. I think that's why so many people fall away when they get to college. Because they were not grounded, secure in the relationship. Faith is not about following a set of rules. It's not just going through the motions. Jesus Christ did not come so we could simply follow His example on how to live a perfect life. He came to seek. He came to save (Luke 19:10). I don't want a religion. Even the pagans have that. I want a relationship. What sets Christ apart from any other "god" like Allah or Budda is that not only was He the only one to come back from the dead, but He's also the only one to offer grace. The only one to offer a relationship where it's not about what you do, it's about who you know. And once we realize this, it changes us. We're no longer bound by this self hatred of "I'm nothing but a dirty rotten sinner." No, I'm a redeemed, already bought and paid for, saint.

I don't want to be like the banana this morning. I don't want to put on a mask and a pretense of little miss perfect. Because that's not whats inside. Whats inside is a girl with issues. But also whats inside is a girl with issues who know's she's saved.

So what's left? Well, it's time to cut away the rotten parts of the banana. It's time for a change of heart. It's time to be true faced. It's time to let God have and mold the inside, not just the outward motions. It's time the inner and outer matched, imperfect, but under grace. It's time to have the light shine and expose the darkness. You can't serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). You can't hide under religion forever. It's a problem if people only know you're a Christian by your facebook. It's a problem if you kneel at the cross in prayer and you don't know who you're praying to.

Ephesians 5:8 "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light."

Confessions of a Sleepless Night...

I've had a lot of sleepless nights recently- cause still to be determined. I thought it was the stress of school, but school's been out for a while and I'm still tossing and turning or wide awake at 3 am. And so, it's on one of these sleepless nights that my mind is exceptionally active and I've had a few thoughts.

The first? Man, my legs really hurt. No more squats. Second? I'm hungry, I wish I had a piece of bread. Finally? Daydreams are pretty dangerous things actually. The third is how I spend most of these sleepless nights. To be completely honest, it's how I spend most of my days as well. I daydream about the future and as a self professed hopeless romantic, mostly about the man that might be in them.

This morning was no exception. I laid in bed mentally listing the qualities of "my perfect man":

-Momma's boy. Say what you will but you can telll a lot about a guy by the way he treats his momma

-Chivalrous. Guys that know how to treat and respect a lady are a rare jewel, but a blessing.

-Sweet. In touch with his sensitive side and not ashamed to admit it

-Musician. Someone who gets excited and loves music as much as I do, including country.

-Hopeless Romantic. Bring on the roses! I've always dreamed of cuddling with my husband in bed and he just sits up, grabs his guitar and starts playing "Angel" by Jack Johnson or "Sea Breeze" or "Looking at Her Face" by Tyrone Wells as I fall asleep. Told you I was a hopeless romantic!

-Manly Man. He enjoys wastching a good musical every now and then, but he also never fails to remind me that he is 100% of the XY chromosome. He's the protector, the rugged outdoorsman, the hiker, the sports lover, the brawny man.

-Handy Man. He knows what to do with a hammer and is perfectly capable of changing the oil in the car.

-Knows how to dress. Straight leg boot cut jeans. Peacoat. But looks pretty darn good in a cowboy hat when called to the occasion.

-Ambitious. Hard worker at everything he does. Has goals and hopes and aspirations.

-Provider. Makes sure his family's taken care of and not just with money.

-Good sense of humor. A marriage filled with laughter is the best kind.

-Caring. I'm accident prone. 'Nuff said.

-Beach lover. Its my life. Literally. Plus, who else better to enjoy a sunset with?

-Good smile. The kind that even reaches to his eyes. Those truly make me go weak at the knees.

And above all...

-Christian. He may have all these other qualities, but if I can't get on my knees and pray with him, our marriage will never be complete.

It was only after I had finished that I took a step back and began to wonder if such a man really existed. I mean, to be fair, in my daydreams I certainly accounted for some flaws, but still. So Mr. Wonderful, if you're reading this please make yourself known. Preferably sometime in the near future. But then it also hit me. These were my daydreams. They were my expectations. They were what I wanted. They were me telling God, "Hey God. I don't know and I don't really care who you've planned for my life, but if I can have any say, this is what I want." And I realized these daydreams were far more than just significant and pointless fantasies and time wasters. I realized they were even more than me being a control freak. They were a complete shortchange. They were a lack of trust in God to know whats best. And a tremendous lack of patience on my part to wait for it. God didn't give me these desires of the heart to have them wasted. He plans to fulfill them through Himself. All of my pushing and shoving to get that future reality now is just a waste of a good sleep. I mean seriously, what can I do about anything at 3 in the morning?

I don't know if I'll ever get married. But what I do know is that when I plan my perfect man, I take away any trust that God knows what He's doing. He knows my needs. If I'm supposed to be married, he's already crafted for me the perfect man. And God's pretty creative. Who He has made is going to be so far beyond the shallow things I can think of it's ridiculous! God's not going to leave me disappointed. One day I'll look at this list and think "that's it? That's all I wanted? Wow! I got so much more! And maybe he doesn't have ALL of these qualities, but there are some things I love about him I would never have thought to list. And they are so much better than anything I could ever dream up."

We daydream about love, about our careers, our friends, where we'll live, how many kids we'll have, and even what we'll look like. But what if instead of thinking about the unknown we focused on the known. God loves us. He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11). He knows whats best. No matter where our life takes us He will always be there, as our Perfect Man. Now that's a future worth daydreaming about.

Psalm 40:5 "Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare."

Confessions of a Dolphin Tale...

The Day had been rushed. Eating breakfast and packing a lunch? Check. Filling up with gas? Check. Church? Check. Volunteer work? Check. I was looking forward to a nice long drive down PCH from Dana Point when I came across a sign for Strands Beach. Strands Beach? I’d never heard of Strands Beach. What kind of name for a beach was that anyway? As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed the thousands of stairs going down the mountain that I would have to undertake to get to the beach. Still, something told me, “Go.” Okay, but not without my camera. If I was going to hike down a mile and half to come back up, I was going to get some good shots.

50 pictures of flowers later I finally made it to the beach, but even then I was busy. I instantly began looking for anything and everything I could snap. I walked about a half mile down the beach when all of a sudden I saw a group of people stopped just staring at the water. “What are they staring at?” I thought. “Surely the surfers can’t be that good looking. Solely out of curiosity I gave a quick glance. My jaw dropped. Before my eyes lay the most breathtaking and beautiful scene I had ever beheld. Sea gulls soared and sang overhead as the sun beams bursted brilliantly through the clouds. The waves and all their might crashed on the soft shore. But what caught my attention the most was what was in the waves. As if on cue, the moment I turned 2 or 3 dolphins leaped out of the waves. They were so close! They swam back and forth, jumping and twisting, and diving. I stood in awe for literally fifteen or so minutes. The only words I could stutter were “Thanks gorgeous” or “That’s so beautiful” over and over. It only occurred to me after I watched them swim away that I had a Canon Rebel with a 300 mm zoom lens around my neck. I’m still kicking myself for that one.

But then it occurred to me. God wanted to reveal Himself to me. He wanted to reveal His Glory, His beauty, His power, His Intelligence, His Creativity, and I was too busy to listen. It made me realize that I was too busy running around trying to fight my own battles, when all He really wanted was just for me to be still and let Him do his work. Let Him fight for me (Exodus 14:14) It seemed impossible, but if God could silence an entire army with 300 of Gideon’s men and pots, why couldn’t He help me? Heck, He’d already taken down one of my battles- stress- with simply a dolphin…

Confessions of a Beach Bum...

It amazes me that I have yet to really write a blog about my love of the ocean. I mean, seriously, It's at least my number two of favorite pastimes, how is it that it has not made it in? So, the other day I had some free time to spare. It happened to be on my twenty first birthday, which for some reason, birthdays always kind of seem to sadden me. It's not that I hate getting older, its just well, I don't really know what it is. Anyway I headed to the beach just to clear my head and think. Nothing does that better than the watching the waves roll in. I thought about everything that had happened in this past couple of weeks. I thought about how much I've changed since even last semester. And it was kind of exciting to see what God had been doing. And it was kind of funny to reminisce on the absolute chaos that I have called my life.

But then the time came, when I sort of wished nothing had changed. I wished I could go back to last semester. I looked at the struggles that have come about since this semester and I wished like anything they would all just disappear. But then it hit me. It's funny how when we think about our pasts we only remember the "good ol' days" It's easy to think the past was better than today. For some reason we seem to have selective memories. Because the fact is, last year I still had issues. Yes maybe the faces of some have changed, but they were still there. Last year I was sitting on the beach on my 20th birthday reminiscing about "the good ol' days."

You could make the case that its good to forget the bad. But there's also an extreme concern with this too. When we look at the past through rose-colored glasses we run the risk of being ungrateful for what we have right now. We short change the memories of how God has worked in our lives-often most obviously through our struggles.

As a seagull flew overhead I all of a sudden had the epiphany that God doesn't waste ANY of our experiences. Both the good and the bad benefit us. And it's kind of weird to think of, but this semester has honestly been the toughest semester of my life. Family stress, school stress, friend stress, future stress, finding a place to live and trying to feel settled stress, singleness stress. You name it, it's piled on. But yet at the same time, I have never more blatantly seen God work. It's odd amongst the struggles to think one day, maybe even next year, I will sitting on the beach on my birthday and think "Yeah, those were the good ol days." Not to say that life's going to get worse, but just to be able to see how it has shaped me into the person I am and how I can use those difficulties to help others. And that's what I need to start looking forward to. Enough reminiscing on a past that can't be changed. Yes, maybe those were the good times, but they aren't my life anymore. And if I spend my time in a constant state of memories and daydreams I'm going to miss the good things that are happening now. Because the fact is, I'm still living. I've not stopped. It's like on one my favorite singers Jon Foreman says, ""If we spend our time obsessing about the future or regretting the past, then we will never live. Tomorrow will always be tomorrow and yesterday cannot be changed."

Isaiah 43:18-19, "'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.'"

Confessions of a Sprained Ankle...

I know what most of you are already thinking by reading the title of this post. And yes, unfortunately, I have sprained my ankle yet again. My good one this time too. Which is pretty much the only thought running through my head right now. "NO NO NO, Not my good one!." In truth, over the past two weeks I have been rapidly learning what Paul meant when he said "I have learned the secret of being content" (Phil 4:12). This isn't a lesson that I'm necessariy enjoying though. I mean, I always imagined learning this lesson through some sort of joyful circumstance. Instead, it is kind of being forced upon me. I have to be content or I will not survive my day. That's all there is to it.

Why do I say this? Well, allow me to have a 5 second pity party and say life is kind of kicking my butt right now. But God is also constantly slapping me with how good He is to me. School is stressing me out big time, but I have to recognize that I'm fortunate enough to attend it. And I'm not going through it alone (Phil. 4:13). I have no working car, which has limited what I can do volunteer wise, but my car is in the shop being repaired for two weeks, not burnt down on the side of the freeway like the one I saw heading back to Long Beach. My left ankle (which is my good one) is now swelling, but at least I can walk on it. My dad's health worries me, but at least I still have him. I feel like I don't have time for friends anymore, but at least there are weekends to try to catch up. My suitemates rarely acknowledge me, but my roommate and I are closer than ever. The shower in the dorm is freezing, the doors don't work, the dining hall is failing miserably in the vegetarian department, but I have a roof. I have a bed. And I have food. Basically what I've been realizing is I'm being a whiny brat. I'm sitting here crying over not having a canon rebel of my own, and my cousins have the crappiest home life I can imagine. I'm mad because I have to take the bus everywhere with sometimes questionably people, but I've never had any of those people try to mess with me.

I guess I'm just tired of the shallowness and selfish person I've become. Sick of it actually. And the only way God is getting me out of it is by teaching me to be content. I'm rapidly realizing that this whole thing is bigger than me. Duh, I know, but honestly. My pride is definitely taking a beating But I need to be humbled out because I was getting way too haughty. It's time to take a step back and say, "Woah, wait a minute. Really Rachel? You're really going to complain to the God of the universe because you have achne? Grow up." And God still loves me anyway. That baffles me. And it gives me the strength to just not completely go too far the other way and overly beat myself up over it.

Lord, teach me contentment in all circumstances. I want to be like Paul- suffering and all if need be...

Confessions of an Unnamed Woman...

Here's something I've realized lately folks, God knows what He's doing. And yes, you may say "Well, duh!" but have you ever sat back and contemplated exactly what that entails? I was given the chance to do so recently and I have to say my mind is somewhat blown. For my quiet time this morning I was reading the story of Samson's mother. (Judges 13:1-24) Now, we all know the story of Samson- the strong guy who had really bad taste in women. We can all relate to him (I miss my long hair too- no just kidding). But what of his mother? She's not even named, yet I am absolutely in love with her story.

Here's why I love her story. Because its ends with her being left in awe of God's perfect timing. God was so good to her, she almost couldn't believe it. So to give you the just of her life, she's barren. And this really depressed her. For some reason, God had not yet entrusted her with raising a child. And it was beyond understanding. Now, I've never desperately longed to be a mother- at least right now-, but I imagine that if I really wanted one and couldn't have one I'd start to think, "What's wrong with me? Would I really be that bad of a mother?" It's this "What's wrong with me?" question that we've all asked ourselves at some point. "What's wrong with me? Am I really not beautiful enough to be pursued? Am I not smart enough to succeed? Am I not talented enough? Why did this horrible thing happen? " These questions come in many shapes and forms and sometimes leave you feeling not so good. I'm sure Samson's mom shed quite a few tears- some angry of just "God I do not understand why!" and some more woeful.

I point out here that this battle went on for years. It wasn't just a month or two, but many many years. She was weary, tired of feeling that way. I identify. There's a line in the song "Beautiful" by Bethany Dillion that says, "Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention. I thought I could be strong, but it's killing me....." Honestly, that was me. And I got so tired of it. I was convinced I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. And yes, I know what you're thinking, "Rachel, You're 20. Stop being so dramatic." And yeah, I agree. I'm saying that now too. But I've realized now, this struggle has to last for a while. It's the only way we learn perserverance and patience. If it was a quicky issue with a quicky fix, you wouldn't build any character.

Anyway, back to the story. Finally a man comes and he tells Samson's mom that she's going to have a child and it's the best news of her life. It's beyond understanding! Not only that, but that this child is going to be "set apart to God from birth, and he will be the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines" (Judges 13:5). Holy snickerdoodles! When God blesses, He delivers abundantly. And it was at this moment that all the tears and heartache turned into cries of sheer joy. It was all totally worth the wait.

So, she runs to her husband and he can't really believe it either. I mean seriously, how would you explain that? "Well, honey, you see this random guy- I think he was from God- came up and said we're gonna have a kid. And he's pretty much going to kick butt." Thankfully the man appears again and this time her husband, Manoah, is there to talk to him. "Manoah said to the angel of the LORD, 'We would like you to stay until we prepare a young goat for you.' The angel of the LORD replied, 'Even though you detain me, I will not eat any of your food. But if you prepare a burnt offering, offer it to the LORD.' (Manoah did not realize that it was the angel of the LORD.) Then Manoah inquired of the angel of the LORD, 'What is your name, so that we may honor you when your word comes true?' He replied, 'Why do you ask my name? It is beyond understanding.'" (vs 15-18).

Yes, it was all, as it's supposed to be, beyond understanding. And this my friends, leaves me earnestly excited for the future. Because I'm finally seeing in my life where God's perfect timing is coming through and how if things had gone the way I wanted, well, they wouldn't have turned out so well. I wanted to go to college in Hawaii- university of Manoa to be exact. And I'd gotten in! Nothing was going to stand in my way. Nothing, except a little thing we like to call money. When I learned I couldn't go I was devastated. I simply did not understand. Flash forward and I'm starting my third year at CSULB. I get it now! I know why I couldn't go to Hawaii. God knew what was best. He knew I'd be so much better off in Long Beach! Joining the christian club Navigators has changed my life forever. I've made lasting friendships that have truly been a blessing. I don't know seriously were I would be without some of those people. And not just with navs, but also with my classmates and suitemates. I've been able to minister to them and have them minister to me. I'm also only a three hour drive away from home, which has been pretty handy whenever I just need to get away for the weekend.

I also wanted to get married right out of high school (I wasn't the smartest crayon in the box back then). It kind of makes me laugh now, because I was so upset that I wasn't. But you know what? I'm glad I didn't. Because I was caught up in the whole idea of romantic bliss. But lately I've been realizing that reality is a hard blow. Yeah, sure, it'd be nice to have someone to cuddle with. Someone to be there for those kisses. Someone special to care for. But that's all I really want right now, and it can be satisfied in a boyfriend. A husband comes with bills, and a house to clean, and having to figure out what to make for dinner every single night. Plus double the laundry. And yeah you get some perks too- like someone who understands you more intimately than anyone else, like living with your best friend, and to be blunt, sex- but I can't imagine trying to manage a household right now. I'm just trying to pass Physics! That's enough stress! And God knew that. So even when I laid there crying, "God, why can't I get married too?" He already knew what was best for me.

The same is true now. I don't have a boyfriend. Would I like one?, Yes. Are there still those nights that get pretty lonely? Yes. It still makes me blue that I'm almost 21 and never been kissed. But during this time of singleness, I'm learning more about myself. I'm discovering who I am- as a person, as part of God's creation, and as a purpose. And I needed to do that. I also needed to have my eyes opened past just the whole hopeless romantic view of relationships that I got trapped in. I needed to realize how much power they really give you over other people's emotions. I needed to start going deeper than just skin deep. So while I'm not always the most content with my singleness, I am the more wiser because of it. And God already knew that too. And I'm not done growing yet. I mean seriously, I finally concluded that after trying to eat beets on my salad over the past year they still taste like dirt. I'm giving up. They will never taste good. Okay, I don't like beets. Check. One more thing I've learned. So many more to go.

People always say, "You just need to trust God." And yeah, easier said than done. But I say, "You just need to understand that God knows what He's doing." It's still easier said than done, but once you get it, it makes it so much easier to trust Him. God's not dumb. He really does know whats best for me. And if he ever does decide to bless me with a husband or even a boyfriend, it will be abundantly. Just like with Samson's mom. She had no idea what was in store for her all those nights she prayed for a child. And then boom, she got one amazing kid! And what was her response once she finally realized all she was being blessed with? "As the flame blazed up from the altar toward heaven, the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame. Seeing this, Manoah and his wife fell with their faces to the ground."(vs 20) So I'm excited to see who God has planned for me to love. Because in God's perfect timing, it will be face-plant worthy. Whether it be a husband, or just my friends if I'm not meant to be married. Because if I'm single for the rest of my life, there's a purpose behind it. God does not say "Whoops! My bad!" So folks, I think I'll be okay. :D

I look forward to the day when I get to stand and see all He has done in this area and say, "Wow! It's beyond understanding..."

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:9